James Schlarmann 
CORN PONE, TEXAS — In a shocking and unforeseen turn of events, the man who has supplied right-wing provocateur Alex Jones with his chemtrail supply for years has been arrested and is awaiting arraignment in a Texas courtroom at the time of publication.
He’s accused of selling vaccines on the black market.
“This morning, we apprehended Mr. Bill Ricci on more than fifteen charges of illegally trafficking vaccines,” Texas Ranger Chief Saxby Williams told reporters in a press conference. “Or rather, he was selling substances he said were vaccines against vaccines. So we’re not sure whether to charge with him selling fake vaccines, or fake un-vaccines.”
Reportedly, Ricci was caught as part of an investigation that took months to complete. Ricci, 35, is accused of selling people injections of something he said would reverse the effects of a vaccine. Ricci was banking on many people in Jones’ audience being devoutly anti-government. Mr. Ricci pitched his un-vaccines as a way to “stick it to Big Brother.”
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“Ricci would call people who subscribed to Mr. Jones’ podcast and ask them how they feel about being forced by the government to protect their kids from totally preventable, fatal diseases with the potential to wipe out humanity as we know it,” Williams explained. “If they were receptive to his scientific illiteracy, he’d sell them as many vials of his un-vaccine as they could pay for.”
Because it is technically not possible to unvaccinate yourself, Ricci had a backup sales pitch for people who called him on his phony products.
“If potential customers didn’t buy his fake unvaccines, Ricci would then sell them what he called ‘liquid prayers,'” Chief Williams said. “Basically, it’s supposed to be concentrated prayers suspended in a liquid that people would inject, and God would then magically un-vaccinate them or their children.”
There are currently multiple measles outbreaks being tracked in a handful of states. Ricci even used those outbreaks as a potential selling point, investigators say.
“He’d tell them that they can’t let libtarded red states have all the measles,” Williams said. “He’d tell them that measles are a resource like anything else, and that conservative, true, red blooded, ammo hoarding, God fearing, cousin humping patriots know they must control access to every resource.”
Reached for comment, Mr. Jones says he is “outraged and beside” himself about this development.
“Where the hell am I gonna get my chemtrails from now?! HUH!? HUH!? YOU FUCKING TELL ME RIGHT NOW CROOKED HILLARY — BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE BEHIND THIS — WHO WILL BE HELPING ME WEAPONIZE GAY FROGS NOW,” Jones shouted. “FROGS DON’T JUST GAY THEMSELVES, FAM!”
At the time of publication, first responders are trying to re-assemble the various segments of Jones’ skull that fractured and exploded during his tirade.
This story is developing.
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
