James Schlarmann 
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In federal court on Thursday, President Donald Trump’s longest-running political adviser and ally, Roger Stone, was placed a full gag order, barring him from speaking in public about his trial at all. Stone will be allowed to declare his innocence, but Judge Amy Berman Jackson officially and legally forbade him from commenting on Robert Mueller’s case against him — even through surrogates — for the duration of the trial.
Though Stone begged for forgiveness from Jackson for posting a photo of her to his Instagram account of her with cross hairs above her head, the only mercy he got was that he wasn’t jailed. Judge Jackson made it clear under no uncertain terms that she didn’t think Stone’s apologies were genuine, and she made just as clear that he is strictly and expressly forbidding from speaking publicly about his case. Jackson chastised Stone for “attacking” people has his apparent “strategy.”
“Publicity cannot subside if it’s the defendant that’s fanning the flames,” U.S. District Judge Amy Berman Jackson said Thursday, making it clear that a violation of the strict gag order would mean jail for the former Trump adviser. (NBC News)
Legal analysts say today’s hearings gave a glimpse into at least part of Judge Jackson’s strategy to keep Stone quiet while under indictment as part of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia collusion investigation. Berman is likely very keen on using this legal strategy to keep Stone from sending messages to President Trump, either working toward an eventual pardon, or tipping him as to what Mueller may have on the president.
“Well, it’s obvious that what the judge did today was the old Boot-in-the-Rear hostile witness strategy,” constitutional scholar Barry O’Bloomuh told us via Skype today, after the hearing. “It was first theorized at Harvard Law School back in the 1950’s, but essentially it involves legally ramming your foot so far up a hostile, combative, likely to lie and spew craziness, witness’s rectum that they can’t even open their mouth.”
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This legal maneuver sounded risky and potentially not real, so we contacted Dr. Kaitlyn Gordwillostein of the National Institute of Rectal-Oral Research — an extremely real institution that just so happened to actually exist and function in an intersection of medical science relevant to this super-duper real news story — and she explained that the ins and outs of how this courtroom tactic works from a biological point of view.
“This is a case of people perhaps forgetting their very earliest medical training — the bone song,” Dr. Gordwillostein told us. “The thigh bone’s connected to the…other bone…and that bone’s connected to that one bone. You get it.”
Gordwillostein explained that there is a very rarely discussed, very small bone just “up everyone’s rectums and around the corner.”
“When someone’s foot gets far enough up there, it sends a signal out the other side to the mouth,” Gordwillostein said, “to close the jaws. So the butt bone is connected to the mouth bone, you see.”
Dr. Gordwillostein is confident that with the judge’s foot lodged in Stone’s rectum, it should keep the notoriously motor-mouthed, attention seeking male prostitute quiet for quite some time.
“Perhaps through the end of the trial,” Gordwillostein guessed. “Then again, this guy does seem to have a penchant for putting his foot in that same mouth, so maybe that would end up pushing the judge’s foot out, and we’d end up hearing something out of him in a few days. It’s a real crap shoot, I’ll tell you that much.”
Judge Jackson’s office did respond to requests for his shoe size from our publication.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
