Earlier this week, Elon Musk made global headlines when he deleted the official SpaceX and Tesla pages from Facebook. Musk made certain to clarify that he didn’t make the decision for political reasons, but rather because Facebook gives him “the willies.”
It’s not a political statement and I didn’t do this because someone dared me to do it. Just don’t like Facebook. Gives me the willies. Sorry.
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) March 24, 2018
Today, Musk announced that he has reached out to Facebook and offered to buy every share of the company, effectively making him the sole owner of the social media platform. Musk was speaking to a gathering of SpaceX and Tesla investors and told the group even though he has deep misgivings about the site, he’d “do humanity a favor” and buy it.
“I’ve got some cash to burn, so if Zuck wants to make a deal, he knows where to find me,” Musk told investors. “I’d make him a fair offer.”
Musk then showed a PowerPoint presentation that detailed in great length what his plan for Facebook would be.
“You know, when I told some close confidantes about this idea of mine, they all wanted to know what I’d do with Facebook,” Musk explained. “And as much as I know people like to use it as the Internet’s premier ex-girlfriend or boyfriend stalking platform, I think I have much better solution, and I mean better for the species, if not our entire planet.”
Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”
“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.”
Cheers erupted in the room. Chants of “Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck!” reverberated throughout the building, growing so loud it drowned out the sound of the ocean’s waves at every beach on the planet. Musk stepped away from the podium he was speaking from, raised his arms in the air in triumph, and took in the adulation from everyone in the room.
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.