Jim Acosta is Opening a No-Impact Kung Fu Dojo

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just a couple of days after finding himself at the heart of a story of national import, and only hours after having his White House press credentials revoked, CNN reporter Jim Acosta is reportedly opening a martial arts dojo that will teach no-contact kung fu.

“I’ve never considered myself a martial artist, and in fact even after I open the dojo I certainly won’t,” Acosta told reporters today at a press conference announcing the opening of Acosta-Do. “We actually considered calling it Acosta-Don’t, but didn’t think people would understand what it is, much less get this super obscure joke.”

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders has come under fire for tweeting a doctored video from InfoWars that she says validates President Trump’s decision to rescind Acosta’s press access. However, InfoWars later released an even more detailed video that showed far more kung fu action than the previous video, and that’s what made Acosta decide to pick up the phone, make a few calls, and enter the world of kung fu.

InfoWars’ latest Acosta-Fu video:

“Honestly, I have no GD clue what I’m going to do, since again, I’m not a kung fu guy, or even a karate guy,” Acosta said. “I’m pretty sure we’re going to teach a kind of kung fu where you don’t actually make contact with the other person, or maybe just barely making contact, but I’ve rented a butt ton of Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan movies, and I just got the super extended directors cuts of the Kung Fu Panda trilogy. So I think I’m set on materials to study.”

President Trump, being told about Acosta’s dojo, said that he doesn’t think the CNN reporter will “be as gooder” as his own martial arts instructor.

“I of course learned from ninjas, actual, real-life, totally real ninjas,” Trump said. “But all Acosta’s gonna do is teach you fake moves, folks. FAKE MOVES.”

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.