Dan Broadbent 
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA – An avid fan of famed ‘dark web’ intellectual Jordan Peterson announced to his friends today that he can’t actually explain the things Jordan Peterson says because he doesn’t think that Jordan Peterson is actually saying anything in the first place.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. A lot of people have been arguing online about Peterson and saying things that he didn’t really say. The media has made him into some sort of monster, which he isn’t, by either taking things out of context or assuming Peterson’s intention with his words. And even though I’ve been telling people to watch his videos before they say they don’t like him, and challenging people to debate him, it turns out that I’m not really sure what he’s saying in the first place,” said stereotypical straight white male Stan Smith.
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“I really thought I would convince people that he’s the genius I know he is by telling them incessantly to go watch his videos when it occurred to me that I didn’t know what video to tell them to watch, I didn’t know what argument Peterson would be refuting, or even what point Peterson would make that would show how smart he is.”
Stan continued on, discussing a time when he was asked to explain something Peterson meant:
“I tried to explain to them that I simply can’t summarize what he’s said because the video was like, 45 minutes long. Then it occurred to me that during those 45 minutes, Peterson didn’t actually make a point or say anything worthwhile. It’s just a lot of words strung together in a way that sounds as if it makes sense.”
“I was totally floored,” said Smith.
Stan explained his next step:
“When I actually watched videos of Peterson talking to people who use words that have actual meaning to them, I quickly realized that Peterson is only popular because people have pretended to be outraged by the things he never actually said in the first place. I was in shock. I was really blown away when Peterson honestly suggested that experiences by people who use psychadelic drugs is proof of God.”
This revelation comes on the heels of Peterson announcing his new book deal with Deepak Chopra: Much Ado About Nothing. It will be available this coming October.
I mean, we get it. Repeating things that may or may not have actually been said, but was more of a question really – a hypothesis being floated out and left for you to interpret as you desire – is hard.
Jordan Peterson has written some books that some people find interesting for reasons unknown.