4 Out of 5 Geologists Agree You Are Probably A Seismic Douche

A recent study of geologists from 42 different countries has revealed something quite remarkable — most of them think you’re probably a douche. In fact, 80% of respondents to the University of Green River in Holy Oak, Virginia’s study of the world’s geologists not only said you’re probably a douche, but a “seismic douche” at that.




“It is unmistakable after you parse the data,” Dr. Carla Karloff of the university’s geology department told us. “By and large, most people in the geological field think that you’re a douchebag large enough to be measured on the Richter scale.”

Geologists pointed to the “overabundance of overly eagerly shared opinions on everything from candy to politics” as the top reason that you’re probably a monumental, literally earth moving douchebag, Dr. Karloff said.

“It’s really quite conclusive, when you look at the results,” Dr. Karloff said. “There are so many people with so many garbage opinions that they just can’t wait to share with the world, and social media has only made it worse.”

Karloff tried her best to quantify the planet’s current level of doucheyness and douchetastic doucheocity.

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“It’s estimated that the collective douchebaggery of the species would have enough tectonic heft to break the seven continents up into sixty-two smaller land masses,” Karloff explained, if it were measured like an earthquake.”

Dr. Karloff says that while the results of the study might be hard to swallow for a lot of people, there’s hope for humanity yet.

“The good news is that people could always just shut the fuck up, and they’d greatly reduce their chances of being measured as a douche, seismic or not,” Dr. Karloff said. “You’d be surprised how very few people would think you’re a douche if you kept your mouth shut, Billy.”

The results of the study will be published in the Newish England Journal of Sciencetastic Scientism this summer.

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Mansplaining Now Tops Condoms as Most Effective Contraceptive

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — A groundbreaking new scientific study has been released by the National Institute of Procreation Prevention Services may just change the way you, and the rest of humanity, views contraception.




Preventing a pregnancy while still engaging in the physically and emotionally gratifying activity of sex, or “boning it out,” as biologists refer to it, has vexed humankind forever. Ever since the first cave people discovered that they could have sex for pleasure in addition to making a baby, humans have sought to find ways to get their collective swerve on without risking a baby ruining their entire existence less than a year later.

The new study from NIPPS indicates that while condoms remain an extremely effective method of preventing pregnancy — certainly still much higher than the first method created by those same cave people that involved stuffing peas or pebbles into the man’s penile opening — there is a new contraceptive method available that, when used properly, is 99.999999% effective against pregnancy.

“We can say with almost perfect certainty that mansplaning is the most effective form of birth control ever imagined,” Dr. Billy Williamson told reporters at a press conference today.

Dr. Williamson is the chief researcher who helped NIPPS conduct the study, and he says the results are “so amazing” but that he expects it “could take years to make a woman understand them.”

“What we found,” Dr. Williamson said, “is that when a man attempts to explain something to a woman like she’s an idiot and/or she doesn’t already know the very obvious thing he’s explaining to her, he is so highly unlikely to have sex that there is almost a statistical impossibility for a pregnancy to occur from that particular interaction.”

Williamson said there were, as in any study, exceptions to the rule.

“Women who have absolutely no self esteem or a very low sense of self-worth or value are actually missing something in their ears that would allow them to hear mansplaining,” Williamson said. “So in those cases, they might still end up pregnant. Pregnant, for any women in the room, is when you make a baby in your tum tum, okay?”

A female reporter raised her hand.

“Excuse me, Dr. Williamson,” she asked, “but can you really call this a study on contraception if most of the male subjects didn’t have sex?”

Dr. Williamson sighted, slightly, and barely rolled his eyes before regarding the female reporter with an almost genuine smile.

“Actually, as men, Sweetie, we can say our study is about anything we want to,” Williamson explained, “but more to your point, go make me a pie.”

No pie was made.

“Look, I could explain the science to you all,” Williamson said, “but all you lady journalists may need your male colleagues to go over this with you more in depth after the press conference, okay? So maybe it’s best if you all just trust me. I mean, I am a man after all so…”





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Local man is outraged over opinion of black man on the internet

LEXINGTON, KY – A local man is in a tizzy about a black man sharing his opinion on Twitter.

Famed philosopher and freethinker Kanye West recently took to Twitter to share his support of Donald Trump.




A local resident had the following to say about the tweet.

“Ya know, I just don’t get it. He’s black, after all. That means he’s supposed to hate anyone who’s a republican. I don’t get it! I better post about this endlessly on social media so other people know how good of a person I am for trying to tell this black man what to say and think,” said Richard Head.

“I’m just so angry,” added Dick.

Later, Mr. West posted this image of himself sporting a “Make America Great Again” hat.




Twitter was furious. After all, how can a man who is famous for making music possibly have not-so-great political opinions?

The pushback has been severe. Staff at Alternative-Science.com is uncertain for what the future holds for Mr. West. However, with any luck, something else will happen within 24-48 hours that will cause people to feel outraged again, so they’ll move on to the next thing that the media tells them to be upset about.




BetsyDeVos Wants Sixth Grade Science Textbooks Replaced With The New Testament

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Education, under direction from Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, will be rolling out several key changes to America’s school curriculum next school year.




Current school guidelines, lesson plans, and materials will remain unchanged through the current term, but beginning in the fall of 2018, the DOE has said it will make “sweeping reforms.” At a press conference late last week, Secretary DeVos announced one of the changes.

“Starting next school year,” DeVos announced, “all sixth grade science textbooks will be replaced by the New Testament from the Holy Bible, American translation version.”

Before going on, DeVos paused. She reached behind her and produced a giant check, made out to the Republican Party, and another made out to the Donald Trump 2020 re-election campaign. She handed one check to a representative from the GOP, and another to Trump, who had joined DeVos for the announcement, saying he “just love[s] getting [his] picture in the papers.”

“There, I didn’t want to forget to give Don and the Republicans their monthly payments,” DeVos said, “and so now I’d be happy to take a few questions from you.”

A reporter asked DeVos why she felt the need to remove actual science texts and replace them with religious texts. DeVos giggled. She smiled blankly, and then replied.

“Both Donald and I feel this is a much gooder direction to take our educationicial systems,” Secretary DeVos said, adding, “and the first step toward learning our kids in a more better way is to get them right with God, I always say. And what I say goes, because to the donor go the spoils, as they say.”

When asked for some concrete examples of the benefits she and the president expect to see from making such a drastic change, DeVos smiled and giggled again.




“For starters,” Ms. DeVos said, “it saves a whole ton of money because I personally have a bible collection in the millions. I have so many bibles my church actually said I need to stop buying bibles because other people want to buy bibles. But, you can never have too much of the gospel, know what I mean?”

DeVos said she and Trump believed there would be other benefits as well.

“It also saves time,” DeVos insisted, “because there’s so much less that teachers have to teach in their science classes if we just pretend that there haven’t really been science-y things happening, right?”

 

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Atheists STORM the Capital to spread their agenda of “being nice”

WASHINGTON, DC – The Secular Coalition for America is in the midst of their “Day of Action,” where they encourage atheists and other non-theists to contact their representatives and let their voices be heard.

Personally, I find this to be terribly dangerous. After all, atheists don’t worship the great and powerful God, so how can they be trusted with basic decision making?

They’re in no place to choose what happens in our country. Only those who LOVE GOD are! After all, God is so great that he killed all life on Earth (twice) and continues to allow disease, war, and suffering to exist.

Just look at them. They’re so happy with themselves! We simply can’t have that. We can’t allow these Godless Heathens to be happy without knowing how much God loves them! They have to know that God loves them so much, that if they don’t love him back, they’ll be doomed to burn in hell for eternity. NOBODY wants that to happen to them! #SaveTheirSoulsLordJesus

These atheists really should go back to their seances and animal sacrifices, and stay OUT of our government!

And LOOK at what they’re doing here – they’re giving away handouts to help these Criminals of Christ™ influence our government! CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!

You DEFINITELY should NOT click on these PDF links made by Secular Coalition for America, and SHOULD NOT share them with ANYONE!

First Amendment Defense Act fact sheet (THIS SOUNDS GREAT, I MEAN HOW CAN YOU BE AGAINST THE FIRST AMENDMENT?!)

SCA’s position on FADA

Do No Harm Act (GOD WON’T ALLOW HARM TO HAPPEN TO HIS FOLLOWERS – SO SAYS THE BOOK OF JOB, 4:20)

Summary of the Do No Harm Act

Living as a nontheist in America (I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE!)

PLEASE, under NO circumstances, should you contact your representative to share your thoughts about these issues. It’s not like the government setup a website to help you do that, anyway!

And whatever you do, absolutely do NOT go to their website, Secular.org, or their Lobby Day website, LobbyDay.us, to learn more about what these rabid, bloodthirsty atheists are doing to help destroy our country by wanting people to get along with one another!

GOD BLESS

Trump Orders NASA To Verify Planets Discovered By TESS Also Revolve Around Him




WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, NASA teamed with Elon Musk’s SpaceX company and launched their TESS satellite into orbit on a Falcon 9 rocket.
TESS — short for Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite — is tasked with peering into and around stars that neighbor Earth’s sun in an attempt to discover new planets. Future missions could chart and explore the plants TESS locates.

“It’s going to more than double the number that have been seen and detected by Kepler,” George Ricker of MIT, who is heading up the team of TESS investigators.

This morning, an excited President Donald Trump seized on TESS’s launch as a means to bring the conversation back around to one of his most favorite subjects, himself.

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“Sure, new planets are great and all,” Trump told various members of the alt-right press, “but I like this planet, the one we live on now, the most because I know for a fact it revolves around me. I don’t know if these new ones will.”

Trump told those in earshot that fifteen years ago he paid 2.3 million dollars to conduct several experiments. Those experiments were aimed at proving Trump is the center of the universe, and that everything in it revolves around him. Trump was extremely pleased when the man he gave 2.3 million dollars to came back and told him that indeed the entire known universe revolved around him.

“Mommy always told me it was so,” Trump reportedly said, “but I never knew if I could believe her. Not that my mother ever lied about anything. Trumps don’t lie, ever. But these new planets this Theresa satellite is going to find, I don’t know that I like ’em. You know how it is when something new comes into your life like a new pair of shoes, or a refugee, whatever? You have to extremely vet them.”

President Trump got on the phone to “the head NASA nerds” as he told his secretary, and he ordered them to make sure any new planet that TESS finds also revolves around him.




“I need to know for cock-and-balls sure,” Trump told NASA., “These new planets are going to revolve around me too. You hear me? If they aren’t when you find ’em, you better make sure they do before you tell me about ’em!”

While he had them on the line, Trump also decided to task NASA with a few things he’d been meaning to call them about.I’ve been told my whole life then boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, and girls go to Mars to get more candy bars,” Trump said.

“I need to know if that’s true. It seems like we should do something about losing all our good young men to Jupiter’s stupider-fication program, don’t you think?”

A spokesperson from NASA said that they aren’t “entirely sure that the president understands anything even remotely related to science” but that they’d probably end up doing what Trump asked of them because “that’s how our government works.”

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on:
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Jim Bridenstine Wants NASA To Install Weed Dispensary On International Space Station

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, along party lines, Rep. Jim Bridenstine (R-OK) was confirmed — just barely — by the United States Senate and will be the new NASA Administrator; he’s already making eyebrows raise.




Though Rep. Bridenstine has served on the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology, his degrees are in business, economics, and psychology, not any applied physical science. Bridenstine has run the Tulsa Air and Space Museum, however, and the Trump administration believes that experience, combined with his career as a pilot in the Navy, and willingness to serve Trump with servility, should more than qualify him to oversee the largest and most critical space flight and experimentation organization in the history of humankind.

While he awaited the formality of being sworn in as NASA’s next administrator, Bridenstine gave reporters and the public a taste of what his reign could look like.

“Hey, I was thinking guys, what if we put a dispensary up on the international space thingy,” Bridenstine asked reporters.

Once they confirmed he was referring to the ISS, or International Space Station, they asked what kind of dispensary Bridenstine is considering putting on the station.

“A weed dispensary, of course! Today is 4/20 isn’t it? That got me to thinking maybe we could find a way to get a revenue stream going up on ISS. Right now, as it is, we’re just using it for like experiments and shit. That doesn’t sound like we’re really maximizing its potential, to me.”

Rep. Bridenstine indicated he’d be willing to send the marijuana up to ISS using a rocket powered diesel truck that would spew emissions into the air as it flew up into space.




“Look, as someone who doesn’t acknowledge anthropogenic climate change, I’m just thinking practically about how much space we need to get bricks of weed up into the space station,” Bridenstine said. “And if you get to roll some coal on the way up, all the better! GO AMERICA!”

It’s unclear at this time whether Mr. Bridenstine’s idea would get support from the chairman of the Senate’s subcommittee on space and science, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas. Cruz has largely been against the legalization of marijuana in the past. Reached for comment, Cruz said he is in favor of the idea of turning scientific endeavors into for-profit ones, but that he has some different ideas to accomplish that goal.

“I always thought that you could put a Chick-Fil-A up on that station,” Cruz said. “Or maybe a Bible store. That would go hand-in-hand with my proposal to change the spelling of science to ‘J-E-S-U-S.’ But I like that Jim’s already thinking outside the box, regardless.”

This story is developing.

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5 Ways To Prove The Flat Earth Theory With Alternative Science

The Earth is flat. Whether or not Big Globe and Map want to acknowledge it, the alternative science doesn’t care. Because alternative science doesn’t care about your facts, just your feelings.




But for years, the forces of truth have struggled to come up with ways to scientifically prove, beyond any doubt, that the planet we call home is just a big, flat disc floating in space. That is, until we took on the case.

Alternative Science put ourselves to the task of devising as many ways to prove the flatness of Earth as we could. In the end, we came up with over 600 experiments, but have whittled that list down to just the best five that you yourself can do at home.

So the next time someone in your life sneers and laughs at your claims that the Earth is flat, you show them one, or all five, of these things and you’ll have a new convert.


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5 Ways To Prove Earth Is Flat

#5. A Climate Change Denier Is The Head of NASA

This one isn’t so much an experiment as it is an exercise. That exercise is in whether or not you know that Jim Bridenstine, the man who was just sworn-in as the head of NASA, is a full-blown climate change denier. Now, we ask you, could a climate denying puppet of the fossil fuel companies head-up the largest scientific organization with reams upon reams of peer-reviewed evidence of climate change if the world wasn’t flat?

Exactly, Chex mix, alt science deniers. Chex. Mix.

#4. Read The Bible

There is no greater authority on alternative science than God and his son Jesus. That’s why in all the best Sunday Schools and Christian charter schools across the country, they use the Bible as their premier science text. The next time you have a chance, pick up a Bible and see if it mentions, even once, that the Earth is round. You won’t find it! And don’t you think if the planet was sphere, that God’s own book would tell us? 

Chex mix again!




#3. Go Stand Anywhere Outside

We honestly could not believe no one had thought of this before. Just go outside and stand anywhere, literally anywhere. Do you feel like you’r standing on top of a ball? Of course not! You feel like you are standing on good ol’ fahsioned flat ground. Let us repeat: FLAT. GROUND. So we hate to say it and sound redundant, but…

Chex Mix!

#2. Go to the Top of The Empire State Building and Look Down

Surely if the planet were round, if you got up high enough, you’d see it, right? But guess what? If you climb up to the top of the highest building in your town, even if it’s not the Empire State Building, and look down? You won’t see everything looks round! You’ll see the same, old, flat ground. Once again, leading us to declare emphatically:

Chex Mix!

#1. Take a Globe, Put It Under Your Car’s Tires, and Drive Over It

Sometimes you just really have to take matters into your own hands. If you find yourself unable to prove to people you’re arguing on the Internet with that the planet is flat, you have to give them a physical demonstration. Just take a globe, slide it under your car, and drive over it. Bingo-bango-bongo-you got yourself a flat Earth, and therefore have proven, alternatively scientifically, that the planet itself is flat, which lets you hoist your arms in the air and proclaim with certainty…

CHECK MIX!

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Betsy DeVos Orders Immediate Flattening Of All School Globes





WASHINGTON, D.C. — This weekend, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos issued an order that all globes being used in any American school are to be “flattened like God made it just 6,000 years ago.”

DeVos was confirmed in the Senate 51-50, with the deciding vote being cast by Vice President and 2015 winner of the Lantern Jawed Bigot of the Year Award from Christofascists Weekly Mike Pence. When Pence broke the tie, it was the first time since 2008 that a Senate vote had to be broken in such a way. Perhaps most notably, this was the first time in our nation’s 240 year history that a cabinet member had to be confirmed in such a way.

“Sure, I was literally dragged across the finish line by Vice President pence,” DeVos said in an email to the DOE staffers directing the globe flattening edict, “but elections have consequences. Apparently so does giving hundreds of millions of dollars to campaigns.”

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Ms. DeVos’ order says she plans on putting the “pro back in quid pro quo.”

“I’m going to make sure I leverage this opportunity the right way, like a professional grifter should,” DeVos’ email says, “and that means I’ll be putting the pro back in quid pro quo, that’s for darn sure.”




Flattening globes in classrooms all across the country will help in “a myriad of ways,” DeVos said.

“Jobs will be created, firstly,” DeVos said, “when we hire the flattening teams. Also, our children will be finally seeing the world how our one, true, American Christian God — all rights reserved, trademark Trump Presidency, Inc. — meant it to be when he created it all, literally every single, living and non-living thing, in six days.”

Previewing some other plans she has for the Department of Education, Ms. DeVos told reporters she was “extremely pleased” that the millions of dollars given to Republican candidates over the years was “money well spent.”

“It’s like when you go to the store and you pick out the perfect Bible,” DeVos said, “and you know it’ll make the best science textbook ever. That’s how it feels, knowing it was money well spent giving shit loads of cash to Republicans for decades. We’re extremely pleased in this family right now. We got the best government position our money could by. Just like the Constitution says it should work!”

Reached for comment, Delores Umbridge told the media that she was “quite proud” of her friend Betsy. Umbridge said that DeVos taught her everything she knows about “being a boot licking tool of a vile, dark force” and she had every confidence DeVos would “absolutely nail it.”




More articles written by James can be found on The Pastiche Post and The Political Garbage Chute.

James‘ satire is also found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
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The Alternative Science Behind the All-Bacon Diet

Fad and crash diets are a dime a dozen, and not anything new. For as long as humans have lived, it seems there have always been attempts to use what we eat to help shape what we look and feel like.  Whether it’s the Atkins, Paleo, Raw, or South Beach diets, it seems every few months we’re told there’s a newer, better way to diet.




But as of right now, you can probably throw all those other diet cookbooks, shakes, and smoothies away, because researchers at the National Porcine Science Institute have released findings of a study that shows all other diets pale in comparison to the All-Bacon Diet.

The All-Bacon diet sounds complicated at first. You might have all kinds of questions about it. Questions like…

Why does the all-bacon diet work?

How much bacon do I eat?

So, I eat literally only bacon?

Is there a special kind of bacon, or can I eat any kind of bacon?

Can I drink the grease or make gravy with it to increase the health benefits I am receiving?

Where do babies come from?

Why do I smell so badly after rolling around in dog shit?

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Well, we can’t possibly answer all those questions for you, but we can certainly answer some, and try to explain the alternative science behind one of the fastest growing fad diets in the history of the world.

Let’s start with the absolute basics: Why does the all-bacon diet work? Well, that answer is quite simple, and can be explained with three simple facts.



#1. The Human Body Metabolizes Bacon Better Than Any Other Food Product

Think your body needs a balanced diet of carbs, proteins, fruits, vegetables, minerals, and vitamins? Nope. The alternative science is clear – the literal only thing your body needs to survive is bacon. You can go ahead and put it between two slices of toast if you want, but then you’re not doing the all-bacon diet, are you? It is true man cannot live on bread alone, but all you really need is bacon.

#2. Heart Disease is a Fake News Conspiracy Between Big Pharma and The Dairy Association Of America and In Fact The Human Heart’s Natural Fuel Is Bacon Grease

Who else but the pharmaceutical companies and the dairy farmers would have a stake in keeping you off bacon and on heart pills and eating cow? And what those people will never tell you is the truth about the human heart — its natural fuel is bacon grease. Think about it — is there anything that isn’t made better with bacon? Well, the human heart runs on the same principle — it can do okay without bacon grease, but pour a little on its valves and you get something truly spectacular, and frankly tasty to boot!

#3. The Human Body Is About 60% Water, But The Rest Is Bacon

This is perhaps the most important factor in understanding why the All-Bacon diet works. It is true and well-documented science that our bodies are roughly 60% water. The rest though, has always been a bit of a mystery to scientists. That is, until late last year. Researchers discovered that the remaining 40% of our bodies is bacon, and that’s why the all-bacon diet is so revolutionary — it feeds that 40% of your body to capacity.

So how do you get started on the All-Bacon diet? It’s so easy!

-Throw out all food in your house that isn’t bacon

-Buy only bacon

-Eat bacon

Of course, as with any diet your mileage may very, and you should to talk your doctor before starting any diet, as long as it’s a doctor approved by the American Bacon Council.

James‘ satire is found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
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