New Study Reveals Inverse Relationship Between Penis Size And Times Word “Cuck” Is Used

One of the nation’s leading scientific research organizations has concluded that the more someone uses the word “cuck” in their everyday speech, the smaller their penis tends to be. The term cuck is Internet slang for “cuckold,” a word that up until the digital age was used to mean any man whose wife had an extramarital affair. However, in the digital age, online pornographers shortened the word to “cuck,” and films that feature “cuckolding” more often than not have a theme of a young, white wife who has sex with a large, African-American male, most often in front of her husband.



While it’s been generally accepted that these types of sex films have racist undertones, the alt-right political scene — those who identify as anything from hard line libertarians to anarchist capitalists — have started using the term as a pejorative insult. Anyone they feel is a “beta male” is labeled as a “cuck.” Even those who usually identify as having conservative values are called “cuckservatives” if they, for example, think the 1964 Civil Rights Act was a good idea.

Now, the National Institute For Sciencey Stuff has released the findings of a comprehensive, three year study that they say shows an inverse relationship between penis size and the number of times one says “cuck” in their day to day lives.

“Over the period of three years,” Dr. Susan Miller of the NIFSS told reporters, “we studied the penis lengths of men who called people cucks in online discussions. What we found was that it would appear that for every time one of them calls you a cuck, they lose about an eighth of an inch in their penis length.”

This relationship could be “devastating” for some men’s rights activists and gun rights advocates.

“Let’s face it,” Dr. Miller said, “a lot of these men have short dicks — scientific term — to begin with. Hence why they lash out at women and buy every gun they can get their hands on. This relationship could be devastating. They already don’t have a lot to work with, if you know what I mean.”

Dr. Miller said for some alt-right commenters, it could be a “one and done” situation.




“Let’s put it this way,” Miller said, “depending on what you’re starting with, the first time you call someone a cuck my be your penis’s last.”

The NIFSS will be putting out a series of public service announcements on the radio, TV, and on websites where people who use the word “cuck” frequent the most — like Reason, InfoWars, and Stormfront. The PSAs will focus on teaching alt-right commenters they are risking permanent penile loss by using the term.

You can read satire like this on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

More Satire:

MENSA Finds “Genius” Donald Trump’s Membership Card

Trump Blames Weekend Missile Warning Scare On President Of Hawaii’s Incompetence

Hannity And Limbaugh: Obama Once Used A Copy Of Forbes Magazine To Spank A Fly

Betsy DeVos totally nails ‘The Real World: US Government’ casting interview





If you haven’t yet heard, the United States Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, had a great interview on 60 Minutes last weekend where she auditioned to be on the next season of MTV’s The Real World.

MTV’s show, The Real World, is the cult TV show where people stop being polite, and start being real.

Casting for this next season is still underway, as there are many openings left on the show.




For example, many cast members of The Real World: United States Government don’t yet have proper clearance to be on the show, but that doesn’t stop a lot of prospective cast members from just showing up for work anyway!

And with cast members like Rex Tillerson finding out he was kicked of the show just this morning by reading it on Twitter, we can expect a lot more casting calls to come.

What’s important about these interviews is to give producers interesting responses that they can turn into catchy soundbites for their show. So I think it’s great that DeVos had so much, or sometimes so little, to say when she was asked questions.

Let’s be honest, it’s not fair to expect her to know everything about everything. Sometimes it’s better to leave things unsaid, and DeVos knows it! Technically, saying nothing is still saying something!




Other fans of The Real World: United States Government expressed concern that DeVos showed up to the wrong casting call.

This is the type of buzz producers want to see, because it’ll generate more interest for their show. I can’t wait to see what happens next season.

Betsy, welcome to The Real World!

 

Anti-Vaxxer Outraged Friends ‘Listened to Common Sense and Science,’ and Had Their Baby Vaccinated





SPRING FALLS, CALIFORNIA — 46-year-old California resident Dennis Myers calls himself “mostly apolitical,” but he does have one issue that serves as a litmus test for any potential vying for his vote — vaccination.

Myers, who doesn’t hold any advanced medical degrees but does spend in his own words “at least five hours a week” researching the connection between vaccinations for children and various health ailments such as autism. Though there is no credible, peer-reviewed link between vaccines and autism, and though the one scientist who said there was has been thoroughly drummed out of the medical research community for how badly he falsified his research, Myers says he “just [has] a deep, down hunch” about vaccines, and that’s why he was furious when he learned the news that his friend and his friend’s wife had decided to vaccinate their infant daughter.

“I just think he’s going to really regret that he listened to common sense and science one day,” Myers told our reporter, “when his daughter has like five cases of Autism and an incurable form of the Bubonic plauge which we all know comes directly from the CHEMICALS they put in those vaccines.”

Asked if he understood that our own bodies are largely made up of different chemicals and that therefore chemicals in and of themselves are probably nothing to be fear mongering about, Myers made a sound like a flatulating elephant and asked for the next question.

Myers told our interviewer that it’s really “convenient” for his friend and his wife to point to the fact that the “science behind vaccines has been around for over 200 years” but that his own “superior Googling” has produced information that he feels will prove all the scientists with their “fancy science-ing degrees” wrong.




“Just like I’ve learned with food, if you can’t pronounce it, you shouldn’t put it in your body, and since most medications and vaccines are derived using various elements that have Latin-sounding names, doesn’t that really mean we shouldn’t trust anything a so-called doctor wants to give us,” Myers asked rhetorically.

Mr. Myers wondered aloud if his friend “really thought protecting his daughter from life-threatening infections and diseases” was “worth risking an unproven, unsubstantiated, fear-based and literally impossible outcome” and that “no one should be surprised if their daughter gets every kind of Autism ever.” When asked if he knows what autism is or how it’s diagnosed, Myers said his phone connection was cutting out, until our reporter moved onto a new line of questioning.

Myers said, “are Jack and Jennifer really suggesting that since we’ve been vaccinating people since the late 18th century, and inoculating them under a similar idea since before then, that we should just trust these people who dedicate their lives to learning as much about a subject as possible? I mean, more than we trust Dr. Jenny McCarthy or Dr. Food, the Science Denying Attention Whore?”

When our reporter told Mr. Myers that yes, indeed, his friends were people who trusted actual doctors and scientists more than celebrities and people with marketing degrees, Myers abruptly ended the call shouting, “SHILL! SHILL! SHILL!”

To date, no credible, peer-reviewed data exists to prove any link between vaccinations and autism.

Satire can also be found on Alternative Facts and The Political Garbage Chute.




More Satire:

Ted Cruz Single-Handedly Ruins Porn for Everyone

Anti-Vaxxer Outraged Mark Zuckerberg and His Wife ‘Listened to Common Sense and Science’

5 Ways Your Sex Robot Is Telling You They’re Ready To Be Programmed To Fuck Other People




So you’re in love, and everything’s going well. The romance is alive, the passion is plentiful. And the sex? Oh boy, the sex! It’s incredible. The best sex you’ve probably had in your entire life, and with good reason…

…because that’s what paying tens of thousands of dollars for a sex robot by all rights should get you.

But, over time, things change. Moods change. Something seems…just…off. You can’t put your finger on it, but it just doesn’t feel right between you and your sex robot. And then, one day, seemingly out of nowhere, you come home from your job on Wall Street, set up a line of coke on the bedroom dresser, then turn to your sex robot to initiate the sex you haven’t been having too much of lately…and…they’re GONE!

Maybe it seems like it came out of left field, but there are actually signs in every human/sexbot relationship that indicate things are souring, and souring fast. In an effort to do a public service for our readers, we have compiled five of the most surefire ways to tell when your sex robot is telling you that they’re ready to be programmed to be fucked by other people, before you get the Dear Owner letter you’re dreading.

#5 They’re Suddenly Interested In Wiping Out Humanity In A Nuclear Holocaust

Sex with a sex robot is clearly better than sex with a non-robot. That’s why you were smart and bought your robot. But what if your robot starts talking about time traveling and killing humanity in a nuclear war? Well, then you probably shouldn’t buy your sex robot from Skynet next time, and you may want to have a talk with your robot.

#4 They Only Want To Do Group Sex Now

Every time you go to fire up the sex program, your bot looks at you and asks if you “want to get freak-nasty” and invite some friends or colleagues into the mix. But you’re not ready to share your digital lover yet. If your sex bot seems more interested in bringing others into the bedroom with you, it might be time to have a difficult interface with its CPU. It might hurt now, but it’ll hurt more when you catch them on PipedOutSexBots.com, won’t it, Billy?



#3 They Start Telling People The Star Wars Prequels Are As Good As The Originals

Honestly, only terrorists or sexbots about to go rogue would even remotely think this. So if you start hearing yours telling people that they “actually kinda like the prequels more,” you need to get the fuck out now. You might even consider calling the cops on them, because that is a criminally stupid opinion to have, and that sexbot of yours probably belongs behind bars.

#2 They’re Only Interested In Being Turned On With Their Power Switch

Does your sexbot shy away from foreplay. Do they only ask to be turned on when it’s time for the routine daily diagnostics check that sexbots do? It sounds like it might be time to ask them if they’re truly happy being your electronic sex slave. Maybe you won’t like what you hear, but isn’t honesty better than delusion, Billy?

#1 They Tell You They’re Ready To Be Programmed To Fuck Other People

This one’s probably self-evident, and maybe even goes without saying. We know when your sexbot relationship is falling apart though, maybe you’re just not hearing them when they tell you directly it’s time to move on. So keep your ears open and your car setup with enough gas to get you to your local sexbot emporium.



You can read more satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

More satire:

http://pastichepost.com/2017/12/20/disney-trump-hall-of-presidents/

A Complete List Of Every President Sued By A Porn Star

JOB OFFER: UNPAID INTERN TO WRITE TOTALLY REAL STORIES

HI AND THANKS FOR READING ARE POST!

WE ARE LOOKING FOR CREATIVE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TALENT TO JOIN THE HIGH-FLYING AND GLAMOROUS WORLD OF UNPAID INTERNSHIP! THIS WILL BE PAID MOSTLY USING EXPOSURE BUCKS BUT ALSO SOME REAL LIFE MONEY THAT WE SEND TO YOU THROUGH THE INTERNET

WE RECENTLY LAUNCHED A NEW WEBSITE AT ALTERNATIVE-SCIENCE.COM AND ARE HOPEING TO GIVE PEOPLE AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHOWCASE THEIR MANY VARIED TALENTS BY WRITING STORIES FOR THE WEBSITE. THEY CAN BE TRUE OR NOT, WE DON’T CARE, JUST AS LONG AS IT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD AND SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE TRUE. THIS IS THE INTERNET AFTER ALL SO THAT MEANS ONCE YOU WRITE IT AND IT GOES OUT ON THE INTERNET, IT’S TRUE BECAUSE YOU CAN’T PUT THINGS ON THE INTERNET UNLESS THEY ARE TOTALLY TRUE. GO TO THAT WEBSITE ABOVE AND READ SOME THINGS TO SEE IF YOU WOULD BE A GOOD FIT FOR ALTERNATIVE-SCIENCE.COM!

THE UNPAID INTERNSHIP WILL TOTALLY BE PAID THOUGH, BUT JUST LIKE AT A RATE THAT WE DON’T WANT TO POST ABOUT PUBLICLY BECAUSE THE ILLUMINATI MIGHT BE LISTENING AND IT’S BEST TO KEPE SOME THINGS IN PRIVATE YOU KNOW?

IF YOU’RE INTERESTED IN APPLYING, PLEASE FILL OUT THE QUESTION THING BELOW SO WE CAN NOW WHO IS GOOD AND WHO IS BAD. IF YOUR BAD WE JUST WON’T REPLY TO YOU BUT THANKS FOR YOUR TIME ANYWAY (COUNT THAT AS YOUR REPLY OK?).

PLEASE BE SERIOUS IN YOUR REPLIES, WE DON’T HAVE ANY TIME FOR YOUR FUNNY STUFF, ESPECIALLY THOSE MONSANTO-HIRED TROLLS!

IF INTERESTED PLEASE EMAIL SCIENTIST@ALTERNATIVE-SCIENCE.COM WITH ANSWERS TO THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:

1. DID YOU READ THE DESCRIPTION THING UP THERE AND GO TO THE WEBSITE TO SEE IF YOU THINK THAT YOU’D BE A GOOD FIT FOR OUR FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITY WITH AN UNPAID INTERNSHIP?

2. WHAT IS YOUR EXPERIMENT WITH WORDPRESS?

3. SORRY I MEANT TO TYPE EXPERIENCE IN QUESTION #2 BUT IT WON’T LET ME CHANGE IT. BUT FOR QUESTION #3, WHAT ELSE SHOULD WE KNOW ABOUT YOU THAT SETS YOU APART FROM THE HORDE OF APPLICANTS WE WILL HAVE?

 

Five DANGEROUS Snacks Your Kids Are Eating

We all want what’s best for our kids. Starting from birth, almost every parent goes through the same series of dilemmas: Breast feed or bottle feed? Cloth diapers or disposable diapers? College prep preschool or home preschool?

But how much time do you spend thinking about what snacks your child is eating?




Here, we will discuss five potentially dangerous snacks:

1. Toessnack-toe

Kids love toes. Their own toes, a stranger’s toe, it doesn’t matter. But toes aren’t vegan, and this form of autocannibalism is easily stopped by an attentive parent.

Ignoring your child’s preoccupation with their toes as an infant serves as a gateway into larger problems later in life. Your tacit approval can result in your child growing into a Podophile as an adult.

Additionally, allowing your child to play with teddy bears may result in them becoming a furry. Don’t risk it!

Better snack alternative: Thumbs



dirt-snack2. Dirt

Despite being an organic, naturally occurring substance that’s literally been around for over a hundred years, dirt is dangerous! Think about it- it’s not regulated, not labeled, and no safety tests for shelf life have been conducted! If it’s so safe, why don’t they label it?!

Also, the most common infection caused by eating dirt is Toxocariasis, which is caused by a type of roundworm commonly found in the intestines of dogs. Eating dirt is just like eating dog intestines. Yuck!

Better snack alternative: Dirt pudding

3. Wood chips

woodchips_mA staple of almost every landscaping home or commercial landscaping project, wood chips seem to be everywhere in our lives. Not only is this dangerous substance used in landscaping, but it’s also a favorite to use as a surface on playgrounds. It’s astounding that so many parents allow their children to use playgrounds with woodchips, especially when you consider that nearly 30,000 children each year suffer injuries requiring an emergency room visit from playgrounds!




Children love eating wood chips because of the insoluble fiber it contains, which aids in digestion by reducing constipation.

Better snack alternative: Ants on a log

4. Toilet Water

Toilets are a mainstay in almost every home across the US. Studies have shown that toilets often contain high amounts of human urine and feces. Gross!

Pair that with the notion that no matter what you do, fecal matter from your toilet gets spread everywhere. #TheresPooInEverthingYouDo

Also- did you know that animals can get into your home from your toilet? It’s true!


Happy nightmares.

It’s no wonder that we shouldn’t let our kids drink water from the toilet.

Better snack alternative: Tap water



5. Legoslego-snack

The LEGO company is the largest toy manufacturer in the world. This foreign company has had a great deal of growth in recent years, and is valued at nearly $15 billion. Should we be concerned that so many homes in the US have Legos? There are 62 Legos for every human on Earth, with over 2 million more Lego elements being fabricated every hour of the day. There are over 40 billion Lego minifigures that have been created, too. What is this company trying to do? What’s their end game? Why do they need to create so many Lego pieces?

Pair that with the fact that most Legos are made from acrylonitrile butadiene styrene (can you even pronounce that!?!?!), and it’s no wonder why our kids shouldn’t be eating Legos.

snack-legos
They even label the box to let you know it’s not safe for child consumption!

Better snack alternative: Lego cake


The Point

Outside of any allergies or other individual special needs your child may have, most food you can buy at the store isn’t going to hurt your kids. The dramatization of lists like these that you see elsewhere does nothing but to further confuse and scare the average consumer. What makes matters worse is that most of the time, these lists don’t bother to offer any type of suggested alternative- their only purpose is to scare the reader and foster a higher level of paranoia. It’s easy to turn mundane facts into something that sounds scary.

This article was originally publisher on aScienceEnthusiast.com and was republished with permission.

Two feet of snow makes New Yorker excited about climate change

NEW YORK, NY – Following two Nor’easters in as many weeks, lifelong New York City resident Jack King is excited about recent news from NASA that the Earth will soon warm to the point that carbon dioxide trapped in permafrost will be released, further accelerating climate change.




“You know, I never really thought about global warming all that much. I mean, what can I do about it anyway? I’m just one guy and I’m super busy all the time. Plus, it’s been snowing a lot lately, so that means it’s clearly not getting warmer. But this news from NASA has me excited because I really hate snow. And since we just got two feet here, bring on the warming!” said King.




Other residents were not as excited.

“Just think about what will happen when these feet melt” said Andrea Coulter. “All that water has to go somewhere!”




Some had hygiene concerns for the feet.

“Where did these come from? How do we know that the snow is organic? What kinds of toxins are inside them?” said Dixie Worden.

Future SpaceX Projects Will Be Funded With Sales Of New Cologne: “Elon’s Musk”





This morning, billionaire entrepreneur and inventor Elon Musk watched another one of his SpaceX rockets blast off into the cosmos. Falcon 9 lifted off from its pad just before dawn in a spectacular display, carrying experimental global internet satellites. One of Musk’s end goals is to provide high-speed broadband internet service to some of the least connected areas on Earth, and Falcon 9’s payload are a pair of satellites designed for that purpose.

After a successful launch, SpaceX made an announcement regarding the funding of future projects. Musk and his space exploration company have lofty goals, including getting humankind to Mars and beyond. Mr. Musk said that this kind of vision requires a lot of money, and he’s decided to enhance SpaceX’s revenue in a new, perhaps unforeseen way.

“We are excited to announce the launch of a new fragrance, made with 100% completely renewable energy,” Musk said. “Elon’s Musk will hit fine retail shelves in your area by the end of the third quarter, and we’re just so excited about this.”

Mr. Musk said that he is excited that the future of mankind’s space exploration will at least in part by fueled by his namesake cologne.

http://pastichepost.com/2018/02/21/twitterlockout-bohiggins/

“The future of humanity relies on us getting off this planet at some point in the future,” Musk told reporters. “And these kinds of projects require an insane amount of money. But we think the launch of Elon’s Musk will help offset costs tremendously.”



SpaceX considered a few other options for additional funding, according to Musk.

“We considered a staff bake sale, in our parking lot, but we weren’t sure just how many billions we could raise selling cookies,” Musk said. “It’s still possible we’ll open the lemonade stand up, though I think we’ve decided to move that operation to Venus, once we get that project off the ground, so to speak.”

As for what Elon’s Musk will actually smell like, the cologne’s namesake attempted to describe to the press just what would tickle their noses.

“We synthesized this scent using a number of highly complex algorithms, a number of focus groups, and by going over to Macy’s in the mall and having that nice older lady spray me with everything she’s got,” Musk said. “And ultimately we decided on a mixture of rocket fuel, shredded thousand dollar bills, and cinnamon because I really love cinnamon.”

Elon’s Musk will retail for $1.2 million a bottle.




You can read satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

More Satire:

http://pastichepost.com/2018/02/07/americans-disappointed-to-find-out-trump-wasnt-on-falcon-heavy/

Woman can’t stop telling people about her Myers Briggs test results

MODESTO, CA – A local woman recently discovered her Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test results, and she can’t stop telling everyone she knows about it. She’s an ISFP, and proud of it!

“A friend of mine told me about this online test that tells you what your personality is. Isn’t it amazing that we have tools readily accessible that tell you everything there is to know about yourself after a quick fifteen to twenty minute online test?” said Amanda Murdock.

“Most of the things I know and care about are on the internet, so it makes sense that I could trust the results. I mean, if it’s on the internet, it has to be true, right?”




“I just took the test, and boom! It proved everything I thought about myself going into it. I’m an ENFP! I recently became vegan too, so it makes all the sense in the world!”

Murdock’s friends could not be happier for her. Alternative-Science.com spoke with some of them to see how the results have changed her life.

“Before she took the online test, I didn’t feel like I really knew Amanda. She was kind of a mystery to me. I know I lived next door to her since we were little kids, and were even roommates in college, but I never felt like I could easily describe her using four simple descriptors like this online test does,” said Murdock’s best friend, Samantha Bosh.

Bosh added, “I feel like I can better relate to Amanda now that I know she’s an ESTJ.”




Murdock also explained that, unlike horoscopes, the Myers Briggs Type Indicator test is “like, really, really accurate,” and that “licensed psychologists everywhere totally accept the results as overwhelmingly accurate.”

“Sometimes when I talk to my tarot card reader, I feel like she’s making things up now and then. Not so with the Myers Briggs. It’s confirmed to me that I’m absolutely an INFJ! Though the unproven hypotheses that support the test have been around since the 1940s, they were simple enough to understand that two people who didn’t have any formal training in psychology essentially co-opted and ran with it” said Murdock.

Murdock added: “There’s absolutely no way at all that you can interpret the results to get what you want. It’s totally different than a horoscope!”




Murdock also said that the test holds up over time for two simple reasons – because it works and makes people feel good about themselves.

“So the ideas behind the MBTI test have been around for about 80 years, and were made popular in the mid-70s by a public relations firm, but the test essentially hasn’t changed in over 40 years. It follows the typical mantra of those of us who are ESFP – If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

animals of the world shirt
Show off your knowledge of biology! Get this shirt at teechip.com/trash-panda!

David Avocado Wolfe In Critical Condition After Apparent Accidental Crystal Chakra Voodoo Overdose





AURA CITY, WOOSCONSIN — Local authorities and doctors are confirming at this time that lifestyle coach, nutrition guru, and the World’s Most Enlightened and Wizened Man, David “Avocado” Wolfe is in critical but stable condition following what appears to be an accidental overdose of crystal chakra voodoo.

“At approximately 6:15 last evening, Mr. Wolfe’s karma adviser arrived at his underground, anti-chemtrail bunker and found him unconscious, barely breathing,” Deputy Lt. Gary Shanice of the Aura City PD told us. “There were various products and containers for those products scattered all around the bunker, and it was pretty quickly apparent that Mr. Wolfe had accidentally overdosed on crystal chakra voodoo.”

According to leading pseudo-scientific institutions, crystal chakra voodoo is employed in situations where “traditional karma cleansing won’t do.” It’s estimated that only six lifestyle, fitness, and nutrition gurus know how to properly perform a crystal chakra voodoo ceremony. Mr. Wolfe is one of those six. According to the National Institute of Woo at least three people are killed every thirty to forty years in crystal chakra voodoo overdoses.

Wolfe was rushed to a nearby hospital, not far from his anti-chemtrail bunker. There, doctors saw his condition and transferred him the Universal Cleansing Institute, just a few miles down the road. Once there, the UCI’s “healing helpers” took a nearly lifeless Wolfe into their facility and hooked him up to various electronic devices that made all kinds of whirring, beeping, booping, and chirping noises.

http://pastichepost.com/2018/01/19/new-study-reveals-inverse-relationship-between-penis-size-and-times-word-cuck-is-used/

“We began an immediate Level 15 Deep Woo Cleanse, which even laymen know is just two levels short of the highest possible Deep Woo Cleanse,” UCI’s Head Healer and Empath Suzanne Montoya told us. “After many, many hours of deep soul cleansing breaths, intravenous avocado toast, intense meditation, and three ibuprofen, David began to show real signs of recovery.”




While it’s unclear at this time when Wolfe will be able to resume work again, but Ms. Montoya is confident that he will come back “more invigorated and with at 33% less bad karma” than he had before the near-fatal overdose of crystal chakra voodoo.

“I bet his followers don’t even notice a difference, even if he is slurring his speech and half of what he says comes from old timey snakeoil salesman catalogs,” Montoya said.

This story is developing.

More stories from James can be found on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

More Satire:

http://pastichepost.com/2018/01/02/typing-go-fuck-yourself-on-facebook-now-unleashes-a-stream-of-cute-little-animated-dildos/