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  • Alabama Grants Personhood to Pre-Ejaculate

    LAKE DORMIR AVEC LEURS COUSINS, ALABAMA — Republicans in the State of Alabama have been on a tear lately. They’ve passed the country’s most restrictive ban on abortion since the 1973 Supreme Court decision in Roe vs. Wade this week, and in an effort to fortify that law, they’ve also just granted legal personhood to biological material […] More

  • Alabama Grants Personhood to Precum

    LAKE DORMIR AVEC LEURS COUSINS, ALABAMA — Republicans in the State of Alabama have been on a tear lately. They’ve passed the country’s most restrictive ban on abortion since the 1973 Supreme Court decision in Roe vs. Wade this week, and in an effort to fortify that law, they’ve also just granted legal personhood to biological material […] More

  • ISIS Asks Alabama GOP to Help Write Their New Abortion Laws

    UNDISCLOSED BUNKER, SOMEWHERE IN SYRIA — A spokesterrorist for ISIS gave a press conference this morning and indicated that his local chapter of the Islamic caliphate would “really like” to work with Republican lawmakers from the State of Alabama. “We of course like to execute the women who violate our orthodox religious values and strict, […] More

  • Alabama Decriminalizes Rape Because It’s Really Not That Big Of A Deal

    REFUGE DE VIOLEUR, ALABAMA – Today, lawmakers in Alabama announced that they have officially decriminalized rape because when you think about it, it’s really not that big of a deal. Alabama State Representative Terri Collins (R), who co-sponsored the bill, said “We’ve already seen a huge outpouring of support for my bill to make abortion […] More

  • Huge Queues Already Forming in Most Alabama Alleyways

    PORT ENFANT DU VIOL, ALABAMA — The State of Alabama has issued an emergency injunction barring people from lining up in alleyways without getting a permit from their local city or town first. The move comes in response to a massive wave of queues starting to form all over the Yellowhammer State. Reports from Alabama […] More

  • Pro-MAGA Musician Drops New Country Single: “I F**k The Flag”

    COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — A pro-Trump singer/songwriter on the Confederate Records label has released a new single that is already climbing the country and incestuous adult contemporary charts. Jethro Bohiggins, known around the country as a big, MAGA supporting right-wing YouTube and podcast star, is also a country musician. His new album, “Freedom, Guns, […] More

  • Incel Supports Alyssa Milano’s Sex Strike

    BONE DRY FLATS, ARKANSAS — Cal Worley is an incel. That is to say that he has chosen to remain celibate, intentionally, because he says “women these are too uppity.” “They’re all like, ‘Value my input as a human’ this, and ‘Ask me for permission before you grope me,’ that,” Cal explained in a recent […] More

  • NASA Scientists Still Unable To Locate Edge Of Trump’s Stupidity

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Scientists at NASA have yet to locate the edge of Donald Trump’s stupidity, even after studying over two years of campaign rallies and convention speeches, and presidential executive orders. “We have been watching Mr. Trump since he rode that elevator downstairs in his apartment building and announced his candidacy,” Dr. Shirley Saunders […] More

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