WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Mitt Romneytron (R-UT) shocked the world today when he announced that he would endorse someone in next year’s presidential election from outside his own Republican Party.
“I. Am. Pleased. To. Announce,” Romneytron announced in his usual robotic patter, “that I, Senator Mitt Romneytron, give my full endorsement to the billionaire automaton and Starbucks founder Howard Schultzbot, in next year’s very important presidential election.”
Romneytron acknowledged that he and Schultzbot may not have a lot in common in terms of social policy initiatives, but there is one area in which the two androids are in “lock-step agreement,” according to the freshman senator.
“We both know that our rich overlords are the ones who are most important in American politics,” Romneytron told reporters at a press conference announcing his support for Shultzbot. “We both feel deep down in our central processing units that corporations are people, even if we are not.”
Mr. Romneytron offered his experience in presidential campaigns to Schultzbot as well.
“I have a great deal of experience in running for president,” Sen. Romneytron said. “Not so much in the winning parts, but the running thing I have down pat. For a robot, human-like running is hard, so i think I have a lot to offer Mr. Schultzbot. I have a folder full of women on my hard drive I can share with him, too.”
Senator Romneytron believes that the American people, when given a choice between President Trump and Schultzbot, will make the “right moral decision.”
“Sure, they didn’t get it right about slavery, genocide of the natives, women’s suffrage, Jim Crow, or LGBTQ rights,” Romneytron admitted. “But I think we’ll get it right this time. Just like we got it right in Iraq and Vietnam.”
For his part, Schultzbot beeped and whirred in a way that suggested he was happy to have Romneytron’s endorsement.
“What else could Americans want besides a billionaire who doesn’t know how much a gallon of milk or a loaf of bread has cost for the last thirty years? At any rate,” Romneytron suggested, “we tried a fake billionaire, and he was a disaster, so maybe we need to try a real one, no matter how much he’s not qualified? I think that sounds right to me, and when have I ever been wrong about anything? I’m always at least 47% right about anything!”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.