James Schlarmann 
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY), Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, issued a sweeping document request from 81 different individuals and entities associated with President Donald Trump, his businesses, his campaign, and his administration.
The committee is launching an investigation into what they believe is a pattern of abusive, and perhaps criminal behavior on the part of the president and his surrogates.The House is one-half of a constitutionally coequal branch of government, and after two years of relative smooth sailing from Congress, Trump is now in an entirely different political and legal situation.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the White House began to forcefully push back on the new investigation, starting with a scathing statement from Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. In her statement, Sanders accuses Democrats of using the investigation so they can push Trump out and further their agenda of “killing babies” and making America a socialist country.
Statement on Chairman Nadler’s fishing expedition. pic.twitter.com/tBsVzrtGYg
— Sarah Sanders (@PressSec) March 5, 2019
As she was entering the White House back from her morning coffee/doughnut/deep fried, nacho cheese stuffed hot dog run, Huckabee Sanders was stopped by reporters and asked about the rhetoric in her statement.
“Yes I think that’s the kind of rhetoric someone who works on behalf of every American would use, and frankly I think you should probably be executed for disrespecting me with a question like that,” Huckabee Sanders berated a reporter. “But since the cucks who invented this country decided to give you b-holes protection in the Constellation or whatever, I guess I can’t have you murdered, yet.”
Huckabee stridently defended her language, and even doubled-down on it.
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“No I won’t apologize for insinuating that every Democrat wants to murder babies! Just because post-birth abortions aren’t really a thing, that doesn’t mean I can’t scare simple-minded people in our base with them,” Huckabee Sanders said. “I’m sorry, but I won’t say sorry for telling the truth as I want it to be!”
Spittle and chocolate cake crumbs flying, Huckabee continued.
“Honestly? I’m outraged that more of you aren’t demanding to know how many babies Nancy Pelosi has personally murdered as soon as they leave their mother’s vaginae,” Huckabee insisted.
Ms. Huckabee Sanders did admit that there are times when it’s “perfectly morally acceptable” to not care about babies.
“Once they’re born, duh! Then they need to immediately start pulling their own weight and not be moochers,” Huckabee said. “Then, we all know the American thing to do is ignore babies, and stop pretending we care about them.”
Lifting a finger and farting ever so slightly, Huckabee Sanders pressed on.
“That’s what this is all about, fam! They’re depriving us of our God-given right to hope they die in mass, shallow graves like the pauper-ass poor people they are,” Huckabee said, “You know, like Jesus told us to do?! I mean, how dare Democrats kill babies before we can stop pretending to care about them and deprive them of basic needs?”
Sanders had a moment of further reflection.
“I mean, we need stuff to do, too, guys,” Huckabee said in a sort of sad tone. “So think abut that, okay? Just…give us a chance to not care about their well-being or quality of life, would ya?”
The press secretary turned on her heel and ran into the White House, a trail of molten caramel sauce behind her, like a slug.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
