NASA confirms: In space, ‘reverse cowgirl’ and ‘doggystyle’ are the same thing

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – In a press conference today, administrators at NASA announced the much-anticipated results of recent research on the International Space Station into definitions of different sexual positions in space.

For decades, researchers pondered how humans will have sex in space, and what the future of sexting will be once humans are living for extended periods of time without gravity. To help investigate this, Congress allocated $5 million in the 2018 budget specifically for research into how humans will have sex in space.

“I spent a year on the thing, and you get lonely sometimes,” said astronaut Kelly Scott. “So I was excited to hear that we’d finally be getting some action!”

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The results of the study were published today in the journal Nature: Astronomy.

The astronauts started off simple with their experiment, with the basic “Missionary” sexual position. But it quickly became clear that the “basic” positions were a bit different while in space.

“It was hard to decide who was on top and who was on bottom” said Kelly. “Since there’s no gravity, there’s no up or down, which means it’s really a matter of interpretation. So we just called it ‘Schrodinger’s Missionary’ instead.”

The same issue came up when the astronauts went with more exotic positions, such as “doggystyle” and “reverse cowgirl.”

“It was hard to decide what was going on. I mean, I got behind her, but we couldn’t decide which position we were trying.”

The astronauts completed an exhaustive list of common and uncommon sexual positions, ranging from reverse cowgirl to the Panamanian Petting Zoo, all the way to the Alabama Hot Pocket. NASA insisted to that this was “important research,” adding that it was “groundbreaking.”

The International Space Station flies through space at a blistering pace of 17,000 miles per hour in order to stay in orbit just 200 miles above the Earth. On clear nights, you can see the station flying overhead.

Lunar Flare to cause MASSIVE power outages on the East Coast this Tuesday

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, FLORIDA – NASA has just announced that a lunar flare just left the moon and is heading directly towards Earth, which will likely impact the Eastern half o the United States on Tuesday.

A cousin to the solar flare, lunar flares occur on or shortly after the full moon each month. Given the size of the moon relative to Earth, more often than not these lunar mass ejections are aimed safely away from Earth. However, that appears to not be the case this time.

Experts warn that the material, upon interacting with the Earth’s magnatronic geosphere, can disrupt satellites, possibly rendering useless equipment that uses GPS tracking.

Once the lunar flare enters the Earth’s atmosphere, it could possible cause chaos. The particles will interfere with radio communications, but should make for a spectacular light show at night.

NASA invites ‘A Science Enthusiast’ to see a SpaceX launch – and the moon landing set

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, FLORIDA – A popular blogger, podcaster, memer, and all-around cool guy known as ‘A Science Enthusiast‘ was invited by NASA to visit the Kennedy Space Center in Florida to get a “behind the scenes” tour leading up to SpaceX’s launch of TESS – a satellite allegedly being “launched” to look for rocky planets around nearby stars.

When spoke with the ‘Science Enthusiast’, also known as Dan Broadbent, he was very excited at the opportunity NASA had given him. Here’s what he had to say:

“Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to see a rocket launch in person. I planned on going to Kennedy Space Center sometime soon, hopefully to see the next Falcon Heavy launch later this year, but never thought I’d get invited by NASA to go down!”

The Enthusiast added:

“I’m really excited to see the launch and talk to the scientists and everything, but I think what I’m most excited about is the tour of Kennedy Space Center, all the rockets, and of course, to get to see the set where they faked the moon landing.”

“I really think I can blow the whole lid off of the scam that NASA has perpetuated for decades. I mean, come on – are we really supposed to believe that they landed on the moon? Give me a break! Why haven’t we been back in nearly 60 years then? Huh? Answer me THAT!”

“I mean, this mission that NASA invited me to is for a satellite that’s going to get a slingshot AROUND the moon – why not ON the moon? I’ll tell you why. It’s because they can’t.”

Out of breath, but not stopping his rant, Broadbent added that he’s “done his research” about the moon landing, and flat earth as well, so he knows what to look for while there.

“I’m going to get to the bottom of it when I’m there. And WE’LL DO IT LIVE! I’ll post everything to my public Facebook account and also on Twitter. I’m going to try to gain the trust of a scientist or two and see if I can’t get them to show me the proof that the earth is flat. Maybe get them to aim their little ‘satellite’ back at us here on Earth and take a picture of the REAL controversy – not their silly ‘science experiment where they try to find other habitable planets in our galaxy.’ I mean, what’s the point of that anyway?”

“The Earth is great! I’ve been here my whole life! My parents, too! And I have kids here! What’s the point of looking for more planets when this one has everything we need?”

Be sure to follow Dan as he documents his journey to uncover the set of the moon landing AND flat earth on Facebook as ‘A Science Enthusiast‘ and on Twitter as @aSciEnthusiast!