REPORT: 78% of people who think Uranus jokes are funny are just idiots

BERKELEY, CA – Scientists at the University of California announced today that most of the people who find “Uranus jokes” funny are, in fact, actually idiots.

The results of the study were published in the journal Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience.




The Principal Investigator for the study was professor Martha Juptner. In an exclusive interview with Alternative-Science.com, Juptner explained how scientists at UC Berkeley conducted their research.

“First, we noticed that there were many, many articles out there making jokes about Uranus. As grown adults, we assumed that the common elementary school joke had worn itself out by the time most children reached middle school, but headlines such as ‘NASA Next Big Project Will Be to Probe Uranus‘ proved us wrong,” said Juptner.

Juptner continued to explain the method for their study:

“We wanted to figure out why this joke has persisted for over 230 years. Most jokes or internet memes wear themselves out rather quickly, but this one has lasted nearly two and a half centuries. So naturally, we were curious about what exactly makes this ‘joke’ so special.

We surveyed 1500 people from Central California. We asked participants to rate various jokes about a myriad of topics. The results were simply stunning.

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We found an almost perfect correlation between people who find jokes about ‘Uranus’ to be funny and people who find jokes about ‘dihydrogen monoxide’ to be funny. What made this all the more interesting was that 78% of those who found ‘Uranus jokes’ to be funny also enjoyed the Big Bang Theory, with is a television program that is objectively awful. Our previous research into The Big Bang Theory found that the show garners its appeal by appropriating science and nerd culture while exploiting and mocking the mental/behavioral health of one of the main characters, Sheldon.

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We spoke with some of these participants near the end of our research, and found something remarkable: they’re idiots.

As with The Big Bang Theory, the jokes themselves are not intelligent or funny on their own merit. A common prerequisite for these jokes to be funny is for the audience to be stupid. After all, 50% of all people have an IQ under 100.



What makes ‘Diyhydrogen Monoxide’ or Big Bang Theory jokes funny to people is that the jokes sometimes have to be explained to those who don’t understand it. This allows the person explaining to feel superior to the other party, if only for a minute. They are then able to carry that sense of superiority with them into the rest of their miserable lives where they are otherwise uninteresting and unintelligent. These people aren’t smart, but they need jokes and TV shows like this to make it through their day.

Some have compared The Big Bang Theory to the legitimately brilliant television show Rick and Morty, which was recently approved for 70 new episodes. This comparison is simply not accurate.



To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Rick and Morty. The humor is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer’s head. There’s also Rick’s nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterisation – his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realize that they’re not just funny- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Rick and Morty truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn’t appreciate, for instance, the humour in Rick’s existencial catchphrase “Wubba Lubba Dub Dub,” which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev’s Russian epic Fathers and Sons I’m smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Dan Harmon’s genius unfolds itself on their television screens. What fools… how I pity them. 😂 And yes by the way, I DO have a Rick and Morty tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It’s for the ladies’ eyes only- And even they have to demonstrate that they’re within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand.”

NASA confirms: In space, ‘reverse cowgirl’ and ‘doggystyle’ are the same thing

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – In a press conference today, administrators at NASA announced the much-anticipated results of recent research on the International Space Station into definitions of different sexual positions in space.




For decades, researchers pondered how humans will have sex in space, and what the future of sexting will be once humans are living for extended periods of time without gravity. To help investigate this, Congress allocated $5 million in the 2018 budget specifically for research into how humans will have sex in space.

“I spent a year on the thing, and you get lonely sometimes,” said astronaut Kelly Scott. “So I was excited to hear that we’d finally be getting some action!”

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The results of the study were published today in the journal Nature: Astronomy.

The astronauts started off simple with their experiment, with the basic “Missionary” sexual position. But it quickly became clear that the “basic” positions were a bit different while in space.




“It was hard to decide who was on top and who was on bottom” said Kelly. “Since there’s no gravity, there’s no up or down, which means it’s really a matter of interpretation. So we just called it ‘Schrodinger’s Missionary’ instead.”

The same issue came up when the astronauts went with more exotic positions, such as “doggystyle” and “reverse cowgirl.”

“It was hard to decide what was going on. I mean, I got behind her, but we couldn’t decide which position we were trying.”

The astronauts completed an exhaustive list of common and uncommon sexual positions, ranging from reverse cowgirl to the Panamanian Petting Zoo, all the way to the Alabama Hot Pocket. NASA insisted to Alternative-Science.com that this was “important research,” adding that it was “groundbreaking.”




The International Space Station flies through space at a blistering pace of 17,000 miles per hour in order to stay in orbit just 200 miles above the Earth. On clear nights, you can see the station flying overhead.

Local man is outraged over opinion of black man on the internet

LEXINGTON, KY – A local man is in a tizzy about a black man sharing his opinion on Twitter.

Famed philosopher and freethinker Kanye West recently took to Twitter to share his support of Donald Trump.




A local resident had the following to say about the tweet.

“Ya know, I just don’t get it. He’s black, after all. That means he’s supposed to hate anyone who’s a republican. I don’t get it! I better post about this endlessly on social media so other people know how good of a person I am for trying to tell this black man what to say and think,” said Richard Head.

“I’m just so angry,” added Dick.

Later, Mr. West posted this image of himself sporting a “Make America Great Again” hat.




Twitter was furious. After all, how can a man who is famous for making music possibly have not-so-great political opinions?

The pushback has been severe. Staff at Alternative-Science.com is uncertain for what the future holds for Mr. West. However, with any luck, something else will happen within 24-48 hours that will cause people to feel outraged again, so they’ll move on to the next thing that the media tells them to be upset about.




Atheists STORM the Capital to spread their agenda of “being nice”

WASHINGTON, DC – The Secular Coalition for America is in the midst of their “Day of Action,” where they encourage atheists and other non-theists to contact their representatives and let their voices be heard.

Personally, I find this to be terribly dangerous. After all, atheists don’t worship the great and powerful God, so how can they be trusted with basic decision making?

They’re in no place to choose what happens in our country. Only those who LOVE GOD are! After all, God is so great that he killed all life on Earth (twice) and continues to allow disease, war, and suffering to exist.

Just look at them. They’re so happy with themselves! We simply can’t have that. We can’t allow these Godless Heathens to be happy without knowing how much God loves them! They have to know that God loves them so much, that if they don’t love him back, they’ll be doomed to burn in hell for eternity. NOBODY wants that to happen to them! #SaveTheirSoulsLordJesus

These atheists really should go back to their seances and animal sacrifices, and stay OUT of our government!

And LOOK at what they’re doing here – they’re giving away handouts to help these Criminals of Christ™ influence our government! CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!

You DEFINITELY should NOT click on these PDF links made by Secular Coalition for America, and SHOULD NOT share them with ANYONE!

First Amendment Defense Act fact sheet (THIS SOUNDS GREAT, I MEAN HOW CAN YOU BE AGAINST THE FIRST AMENDMENT?!)

SCA’s position on FADA

Do No Harm Act (GOD WON’T ALLOW HARM TO HAPPEN TO HIS FOLLOWERS – SO SAYS THE BOOK OF JOB, 4:20)

Summary of the Do No Harm Act

Living as a nontheist in America (I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE!)

PLEASE, under NO circumstances, should you contact your representative to share your thoughts about these issues. It’s not like the government setup a website to help you do that, anyway!

And whatever you do, absolutely do NOT go to their website, Secular.org, or their Lobby Day website, LobbyDay.us, to learn more about what these rabid, bloodthirsty atheists are doing to help destroy our country by wanting people to get along with one another!

GOD BLESS

Local Christian says he’s not wrong about the Bible that he’s never read

TUCSON, AZ – A local man who self-identifies as a “barebones Christian” says he doesn’t need to read the Bible to prove that God is real.




Alternative-Science.com reached out to this hero, Zack Norman, who is championing the rights of the oppressed Christian majority.

In a statement, Norman said:

I think that in the Bible, it says that math and science are the language of God. I don’t need facts or evidence to back me up on this, because it feels true to me. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t bothered to read the Bible, or that even if I did, I would realize that nowhere in the Bible does it really talk about math or science. I just know in my heart that if you’re not Christian like me, you’re going to go to hell. And that brings me great comfort!

Alternative-Science.com pointed out that the Bible says bats are birds, rather than the mammals. To quote the Bible itself:

“‘These are the birds you are to regard as unclean and not eat because they are unclean: the eagle, the vulture, the black vulture, he red kite, any kind of black kite, any kind of raven, the horned owl, the screech owl, the gull, any kind of hawk, the little owl, the cormorant, the great owl, 18 the white owl, the desert owl, the osprey, the stork, any kind of heron, the hoopoe and the bat.

Leviticus 11:13-19





Here’s what Zack had to say:

I don’t really care what every single biologist in the entire world has to say. I’ve never read the Bible, so I don’t have to know what it says to know that what I believe is true. That means that since I’ve never talked to a biologist, I can create my own version of reality where bats are birds. Checkmate!

Alternative-Science.com then pointed out that the Bible was also wrong about mustard seeds being the smallest seed:

He told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.”

Matthew 13:31-32

and again in the book of Mark:

Again he said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? 31 It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. 32 Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.”

Mark 4:30-32





Mark was not amused.

Don’t you get it? I’VE NEVER READ THE BIBLE. So you can’t hold me accountable for what it has to say, even if you point out very clearly things that are absolutely and completely wrong. It doesn’t matter to me that a supposed all-knowing creator would be wrong in his own book because I haven’t read it. It’s just not fair for you to hold me intellectually accountable for my own thoughts. Stop being such a bully!

This story is still developing and will be updated.

Teen gets pregnant after snorting condoms at a party

CINCINNATI, OH – A teenager at a local high school has announced that after snorting five condoms at a party last month, she is now pregnant.

The teen took to Facebook to make the announcement, stating the following:

Ms. Fisher later explained what happened that led to the pregnancy:

So I was like, totally having a blast at this party when my friend Chad told me about this new thing that sounded really, really cool. You take a condom then you snort it up your nose, and it comes out of your mouth! It sounds gross but it’s really funny.

When Alternative-Science asked how it was possible for Valerie to get pregnant from snorting a condom, she had this explanation:

I don’t know, it’s like, science or something.

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As many of our readers may not know, the most popular way for a woman to become pregnant is through vaginal sexual intercourse. Clearly, this was not the case with Valerie. She added:

All I know is that I totally didn’t have sex with Brian. We just love each other so much but I totally didn’t have sex. Does kissing cause babies? My mom told me it can but I don’t think that’s true. So I guess that means my baby is like, Jesus or something. Right?

Alternative-Science.com tried speaking with Valerie’s doctor, however they would not release any information due to privacy laws. Valerie’s family was happy to give us some background on the situation, however. Valerie’s mother, Glenda Fisher, had the following to say:

Valerie and Brian have been together for a year now, and I just know there’s no way they’re having sex. We teach abstinence and we teach her the Bible in this house. In Deuteronomy, it clearly says that if you have premarital sex, the men get to stone you, so she knows not to do that. I trust her completely, and look forward to the second coming of Jesus from my baby’s belly!

Most medical doctors we spoke with are baffled. However, one doctor Alternative-Science.com spoke with had this to say:

She’s lying. She’s had sex.

The doctor added:

Really? How stupid are you people? She’s had sex. Maybe if the family and schools bothered to teach comprehensive sex education, instead of abstinence-only sex education, this wouldn’t happen. Come on, people. This is 2018.

UNBELIEVABLE: SpaceX successfully recovers Tiangong-1 Chinese satellite

LOS ANGELES, CA – In what is sure to be one of the more remarkable feats in the young company’s history, SpaceX has managed to successfully catch Tiangong-1, the defunct Chinese space station, as it fell to Earth early this morning.





As SpaceX CEO Elon Musk pointed out on Twitter, one of their recovery ships, Mr. Steven, was already in the Pacific following an attempted recovery of a SpaceX fairing that was launched on Friday. The Friday launch was Iridium-5, launching a series of 10 satellites into space.

The recovery marks the first time a space station has fell to Earth and been successfully recovered in tact.





Tiangong-1 was the first attempt by China to have a space station in orbit. The unmanned station means “Heavenly Place” or “Celestial Palace,” however the Chinese government lost contact with the station in 2016, after extending its mission two years longer than originally anticipated.

The world had watched as the craft slowly but surely descended into the Earth’s atmosphere. Due to the uncontrolled nature of it, it was unclear where exactly the craft was going to re-enter and land, which makes SpaceX’s and Elon Musk’s feat all the more impressive.

Alternative-Science.com spoke with a representative at SpaceX about the accomplishment, speaking under the condition of anonymity because they were not allowed to make public comments.





“We all thought Elon was crazy when he pitched the idea to us in a staff meeting last week, but we thought we’d give it a try. It’s amazing to see what he’s been able to do in the realm of recycling rockets, but now that we can re-use satellites, it’s a whole new ballgame” they said.

It remains unclear when SpaceX plans on returning the satellite to the Chinese government. This is a developing story, and this article will be updated as more news becomes available.

h/t Reddit

EXPOSED: Blogger ‘SciBabe’ gets called out by heroes at US Right to Know

PIEDMONT, CA – The “popular” blogger Yvette d’Entremont, also known as SciBabe, recently came under fire by the heroes at US Right to Know.




Of course, US Right to Know’s mission statement as found on their website is:

Fighting the good fight by spreading misinformation and fear, because you have a right to know what’s in your food, but you don’t have a right to know who is funding US Right to Know, because that would open us up to extremely valid criticism that would reveal our entire purpose for existing, and completely discredit anything we say more than the studies that we cite already do.

Those people over at US Right to Know are really doing God’s work!

SciBabe’s advocacy for people to consume toxic chemicals is well-known and documented. Most recently, she published a blog post on her personal website detailing how the FDA is being paid off by evil low-calorie sweetener companies.

SciBabe fired back at US Right to Know this morning, saying “Your mom.”

 Your mom. https://t.co/FcWPXgIOYM

Thankfully there are watchdog groups like US Right to Know, who are well-known for protecting the rights of consumers by embracing science and facts.

US Right to Know recently completed an “investigation” into SciBabe, and the results are terrifying. It turns out that “SciBabe” is a scientist, who has friends that are also scientists, and that as a scientist, SciBabe was given money for being… Yep, you guessed it… A scientist.





Gary Ruskin is an all-natural organic hero who co-founded US Right to Know with Stacy Malkan, who is the author of the devastating tell-all article that Ruskin tweeted out to his tens of hundreds of followers.

In the article, Malkan totally and completely eviscerates SciBabe using brutal takedowns such as “Yvette is a scientist” and “Yvette used to work as a chemist.” At one point, Malkan even points out how d’Entremont is friends with people who are, for lack of a better term, scientists.

SciBabe is part of what she calls the “Kevin Folta Fan Club” defending the University of Florida professor who has repeatedly made false and misleading statements. Joining d’Entremont in the Folta Fan Club photo are Julie Gunlock of the Independent Women’s Forum, a Koch-funded group that partners with Monsanto to downplay fears about pesticides; pesticide defender Julie Kelly; and Monsanto’s social sciences lead Cami Ryan.

When reached for further comment by Alternative-Science.com, Malkan stated:

It just really irks me that SciBabe is so popular and well-liked by people who are respected in the scientific community. I mean really, what gives her the right? She’s funny and smart, sure. And I can’t refute the words she uses because I have just one argument – KEMAKILLZ BAD!

But to try to capitalize on that and make a few bucks writing articles that people enjoy reading? I mean, give me a break. I just kind of wonder what that would be like – to have people actively enjoy reading my content, or even liking me as a person, ya know? I’m just saying, I get pretty lonely sometimes.

I have personally dealt with these twisted people before. Kevin Folta, Julie Kelly, and Cami Ryan are all people that I’ve talked to regularly and who have the audacity to use facts with legitimate sources in their writings. That’s disgusting and makes me sick. How dare they use science and facts to combat emotional arguments! Who do these people think they are?

Malkan added:

I really like how Scibabe talks about all kinds of things, but Gary (we call him Gare-Bear over here at USRTK) never lets me write what I really want to about her. I mean sure, Organic Consumers pays us to say nasty things about her and other scientists, and even harass them by weaponizing FOIA, but deep down I just want to get their attention because I want to try to be friends with them. Not that I need more friends or anything, it’s just my friends are always talking about coconut oil and coffee enemas. Do you think you could put in a good word for us with SciBabe?





The fact is, there is NO safe amount of chemicals for you to ingest – EVER! And what makes it worse is that these companies are pumping your food full of chemicals just to make a better profit.

Stacy Malkan agreed with us on this, and took it a step further. She had this to say as her final thought:

Do you think SciBabe is going to read my article I wrote? What do you think she’ll say? Do you think she’ll talk about me? Maybe even retweet it? SciBabe has almost 30,000 followers on Twitter and I don’t even have 2,500. That would be really huge for me if she would just share something I wrote. I’m totally not jealous of her success or anything, I promise.

Everybody knows that companies like Monsanto only care about their profit margins. Organic companies, even companies who directly fund US Right to Know (like Organic Consumers does, for instance) are all non-profit groups who have absolutely zero special interests. These companies literally work for free, and don’t charge a single cent for the organic products they sell. People like Gary Ruskin and Stacy Malkan are in no way literal organic shills who are enormous hypocrites – They’re heroes.

This story is developing, as our investigation continues.

Lunar Flare to cause MASSIVE power outages on the East Coast this Tuesday

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, FLORIDA – NASA has just announced that a lunar flare just left the moon and is heading directly towards Earth, which will likely impact the Eastern half o the United States on Tuesday.

A cousin to the solar flare, lunar flares occur on or shortly after the full moon each month. Given the size of the moon relative to Earth, more often than not these lunar mass ejections are aimed safely away from Earth. However, that appears to not be the case this time.

Experts warn that the material, upon interacting with the Earth’s magnatronic geosphere, can disrupt satellites, possibly rendering useless equipment that uses GPS tracking.

Once the lunar flare enters the Earth’s atmosphere, it could possible cause chaos. The particles will interfere with radio communications, but should make for a spectacular light show at night.

NRA host tells Parkland teens: ‘No one would know your names if classmates were still alive’





HOUSTON, TEXAS – Colion Noir, a host on NRA TV, had the following message for the victims of the Parkland, Florida school shooting:

To all the kids from Parkland getting ready to use your First Amendment to attack everyone else’s Second Amendment at your march on Saturday, I wish a hero like Blaine Gaskill had been at Marjory Douglas High School last month because your classmates would still be alive and no one would know your names, because the media would have completely and utterly ignored your story, the way they ignored his.

Alternative-Science.com would like to reiterate that the above quote is a real statement made by a real person to real shooting victims.





We can’t really make up anything more awful than this, this is a rare instance of reality being worse than anything we could imagine here on our end. So, uh, yeah. Enjoy that.