More stories

  • Doctors Marvel at Discovery of Vertebrate Republican

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the weekend, scientists and medical professionals were stunned, shocked, but ultimately quite excited about the re-discovery of a species of Republican — one that is a vertebrate. “When Republicans were first discovered back in the middle of the 19th century, there were actually lots of them that had spinal columns,” Dr. […] More

  • Exclusive: Interview With a 2-Month Old Fetus About Its Feelings on Abortion!

    In 1973, the United States Supreme Court ruled in Roe vs. Wade that the Constitution’s right to privacy ensures that women have the right to seek an abortion and terminate a pregnancy before the point at which the fetus(es) she is carrying are medically viable, or capable of surviving without the mother’s womb. When Mitch […] More

  • Planned Parenthood Will Start Giving Away Free Guns With Abortions

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to what can only described as an onslaught of new, strict anti-abortion regulations in a growing number of red states, officials with Planned Parenthood, the low-cost healthcare provider, announced a new policy for distribution of firearms to any woman who comes to a clinic seeking an abortion. “We’re looking for […] More

  • Alabama GOP Releases Pamphlet: 10 Things We’ll Still Let You Do With Your Vagina

    FORT ENFANT MARIÉE, ALABAMA —  The Republican caucus within Alabama’s state legislature, perhaps under pressure from negative press generated by the state’s controversial new abortion law, have released a 15-point pamphlet on the do’s and don’ts having a vagina in Alabama. In the interest of public awareness and edification, we are reprinting the contents of […] More

  • Expectant Alabama Mother Will Go Back and Finish Middle School Once Her Kids Are Out of the House

    NOVIA NIÑA CREEK, ALABAMA — Life isn’t always easy for Crystal Shanahan these days, but then again she knew that things could get harder before they got easier when she found out shew as going to be a mother for the first time. Crystal says that between managing the prenatal appointments and getting her home […] More

  • Alabama Grants Personhood to Precum

    LAKE DORMIR AVEC LEURS COUSINS, ALABAMA — Republicans in the State of Alabama have been on a tear lately. They’ve passed the country’s most restrictive ban on abortion since the 1973 Supreme Court decision in Roe vs. Wade this week, and in an effort to fortify that law, they’ve also just granted legal personhood to biological material […] More

  • Alabama Democrat Proposes Mandatory Vasectomies Until Marriage

    RÉCIPROQUE BAY, ALABAMA — A Democrat in the State of Alabama has drafted new legislation she hopes will be a “counterbalancing measure” to the nation’s most restrictive abortion law since the 1973 landmark Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision.  Earlier this week, Alabama’s governor signed a law that prohibits abortion at every stage of pregnancy and does […] More

  • Alabama Grants Personhood to Pre-Ejaculate

    LAKE DORMIR AVEC LEURS COUSINS, ALABAMA — Republicans in the State of Alabama have been on a tear lately. They’ve passed the country’s most restrictive ban on abortion since the 1973 Supreme Court decision in Roe vs. Wade this week, and in an effort to fortify that law, they’ve also just granted legal personhood to biological material […] More

Back to Top