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  • Trump: “I Could Lynch Someone on 5th Avenue, But That Doesn’t Mean I’m Racist, Does It?”

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump reporters today that he’s “pretty sure” he’s not racist, although he admitted that it’s “been tough to tell lately.” “You know, sure I was sued by the federal government in the 1970’s because I literally wasn’t letting black people rent apartments in some of my buildings I wanted to […] More

  • Will We Ever Know Who Meghan McCain’s Father Is?

    According to scholars and experts on the subject, one of the greatest mysteries of our lifetimes may never, ever be solved. “Who Is Meghan McCain’s father?” “I just don’t think there’s enough evidence out there to find a definitive answer, to be quite honest,” Susan Kilpatrick of the American Institute for Things, Stuff, and Such […] More

  • Pat Robertson Says California Earthquake Was God Clapping for Trump’s 4th of July Parade

    VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Though he didn’t give his Independence Day speech until hours later after the initial shockwaves subsided, President Donald Trump triggered an earthquake in California yesterday when God applauded him earlier in the day. At least that’s what televangelist Pat Robertson believes. Rev. Robertson told listeners of his Friday podcast series that […] More

  • 6 Homeopathic Remedies to Try When You’re Tired of “Medicines” from Big Pharma “Working”

    Of the literal trillions of crimes that Big Pharma commits every day, perhaps none is more cruel than when they “sell” you “drugs” to “help” you get “better” when you’re “sick.” Why all the quotation marks? Because those are all buzzwords that Big Pharma uses to convince you to keep using their so-called “medicines.” Sure, you might […] More

  • Anti-Vaxx Parents Register Crib and Coffin for Baby Shower

    MUERTE DE CUNA COVE, OREGON — Krystal and Chad Benning could not possibly be more excited to be parents. They got married in their mid-20’s, just after both of them graduated from Western Oregon University. Krystal got her degree in finance, and Chad got his degree in criminal studies, and the two began their careers […] More

  • 6 Reasons Your Depression Is All Your Fault

    Are you depressed? Of course you are. If you’re not, you might want to ask yourself why not? Everyone remembers back in the 1930’s it was very “in vogue” to be depressed. Then there was the great Manic Depressive Purge of 1986 we’ll never forget. But the point is, you are now, have been, or […] More

  • Dean Jenny McCarthy Welcomes Prof. Jessica Biel to Mercola University Faculty

    VALLE LA CHINGADA ESTUPIDA, CALIFORNIA — Today the Double-Dean of Admission at the world’s foremost leading pseudo-medical research university announced the addition of a new teaching doctor to the faculty. “It is with great honor and extinction that I warmly welcome Dr. Jessica Biel to the Mercola University faculty,” Dr. Jenny McCarthy wrote in a […] More

  • 6 Scientific Ways To Tell If You’re Sitting Next to an A-Hole

    Sciencetistically speaking, we are literally surrounded by a-holes. That’s because Newton’s Third Law of A-holes states that for every a-hole, there’s an equally assholeish person right next to them. Newton’s theory was famously tested by Albert Einstein just days before the latter’s famous relativity equation was published. “I can say without a doubt that E=MC²,” […] More

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