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  • Tuberculosis Lahren Outraged at Santa Claus’s 23andMe Results

    CAJA DE DIABLA RUBIA, CALIFORNIA — Fox News contributor Tammy Lahren told Fox & Friends viewers this morning that she is “completely and totally, like, full-on mad or whatever” about DNA testing that was recently done on Santa Claus. “So apparently Santa did a Deena test, and he used that company 23andMe,” Lahren told Fox & Friends this morning. […] More

  • Man Sees Image of Jesus in 7-Eleven Holiday Cup

    COPA MILAGRO, NEW MEXICO — Grant Tabor is a lifelong resident of New Mexico, and as he calls himself, “a dyed in the wool, rock-ribbed, shoot-em-up” Conservative. Tabor is one of thousands of Christians who have joined the boycott of coffee purveyor Starbucks after the caffeine-selling corporation unveiled its new cups for the holiday season, […] More

  • 5 GREAT ways to get into family arguments at Thanksgiving

    As the holiday season approaches, it’s important to focus and reflect on what’s important – family, friends, and fighting with both of them. So we’ve compiled this list of tips to help make your holiday season everything that it should be – and more! Get the official Cats in Space Quoting Scientists 2019 wall calendar, […] More

  • Chinese Government Admits Climate Change ‘Total and Complete Bigly Hoax’

    SOME CHINESE SOUNDING PLACE, CHINA — The totally real government of China released a totally legitimate statement to the world press today, perhaps dropping a bombshell on the scientific and political communities in the process — and admitted that they created the hoax known as “climate change.” “Dear The World and Exspeshully That Super Cool, […] More

  • Weather Channel Adding Local Mass Shooting Forecasts to U.S. Broadcasts

    ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Weather Channel announced late this week that will start including hourly, daily, and weekly mass shooting forecasts in their local weather segments they broadcast. The move comes in response to the fact that, as one media liaison for the channel put it, “it’s becoming easier to predict a mass shooting than […] More

  • Jim Acosta is Opening a No-Impact Kung Fu Dojo

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just a couple of days after finding himself at the heart of a story of national import, and only hours after having his White House press credentials revoked, CNN reporter Jim Acosta is reportedly opening a martial arts dojo that will teach no-contact kung fu. “I’ve never considered myself a martial artist, […] More

  • After Sessions resigns, Trump nominates Ally McBeal as Attorney General

    WASHINGTON, DC – In a shocking turn of events, Attorney General Jeff Sessions resigned from the Department of Justice today and Ally McBeal was nominated as his replacement. According to CNN: “At your request I am submitting my resignation,” Sessions wrote in a letter to White House chief of staff John Kelly. FINALLY! It’s about […] More

  • Trump Wants His New Space Force’s Guns To Go “PEW PEW!”

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump reportedly surprised even his own administration officials when he directed the Department of Defense to begin the process of establishing the United States Space Force. To Stupidity, and Beyond! If actually created, the Space Force would be the first new branch of the armed forces since the Air Force […] More

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