James Schlarmann 
MUERTE DE CUNA COVE, OREGON — Krystal and Chad Benning could not possibly be more excited to be parents. They got married in their mid-20’s, just after both of them graduated from Western Oregon University. Krystal got her degree in finance, and Chad got his degree in criminal studies, and the two began their careers rather successfully.
Both Chad and Krystal knew they wanted to wait about five years into their marriage to begin trying to conceive a child, and they both agreed on something else. None of their kids would get vaccinated.
“Sure, there’s no link between vaccines and Autism, but that’s what sciencers say,” Chad told us one afternoon playing beer pong. “And I’m sorry, I like science and all, but I’m not science-ist. It’s not my religion, okay? I trust my own research.”
Chad showed our reporter several saved Google searches he’d done for “links between vaccines and Autism.”
“I want my kid to grow up living a fully clean lifestyle,” Krystal said. “That means non-GMO foods. It means clothes made entirely from compostable materials. And it means, maybe, them dying at three years old of a preventable disease, which is better than them having chemicals put in them by a so-called ‘doctor.'”
Krystal found out she was pregnant back in April, and the expecting couple were on their way into town to register items for their upcoming baby shower. We tagged along. The first stop — Babies ‘R’ Us.
“I told Chad they have the crib we want here,” Krystal tells us. “It’s super-duper cute! It’s also got insanely good safety ratings. While we’re there we can get those reusable cloth diapers registered too!”
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Once the two were done at their first stop, it was off to a locale our reporter found quite surprising — a mortuary.
“I told Krystal they have the coffin we want here,” Chad told us. “It’s super-duper cute! It’s also non-gender specific, since we don’t know the sex of our baby yet. We just figured why not plan as far ahead as possible? Luckily for us, that meant less than five years.”
Chad and Krystal were very excited that they qualified for for an “extremely early bird” discount at the mortuary.
“Coffins are not cheap! But my background in finance prepared me factor in the cost of our little bundle of joy’s one,” Krystal said. “So we’ve got it covered.”
While they were there, they went ahead and made funeral arrangements for their still unborn child.
“When you know you don’t have to save up for a college fund, orthodontics, or even school supplies, it leaves a lot more money for funerals and coffins,” Chad told us. “We wanted to really go all-out and honor our baby’s life, short as it will be.”
Krystal and Chad will be hosting their baby shower later next month. They are registered at Babies ‘R’ Us, Target, Paulson Brothers Mortuary, and Aunt Kelly’s Wholesome Holistics, Healing, and Woo.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
