White House To Push For Bill Outlawing Abortion After Point Of Erection

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  At a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital today, the country’s vice president and official high religious inquisitor told attendees that he and President Donald J. Trump have been working on a new law they intend to present to congress for debate.




Under the close, watchful eye of Vice President High Priest Mike Pence, the White House will double-down on its anti-abortion agenda and propose a law that would outlaw abortion after a man gets an erection. Hopefully, the vice president said, it is passed into law “sooner rather than later.”

On Friday, Trump administration officials announced they would re-institute the “Global Gag Order,” a policy created by President Ronald Reagan in 1988. It prevents medical institutions all around the world from getting federal taxpayer dollars if they perform abortion services, or even provide information about abortions to patients.

Opponents of the rule, which was challenged in court by Planned Parenthood back when Reagan first instituted it (President Clinton later completely rescinded the order), say that it could block women from getting any reproductive care at all.

However, the Trump administration isn’t nearly done addressing abortion.

Later this year, the White House will present the Stiff Commitment To Life Act to Congress. If passed, the law would make it illegal for an abortion to be performed after a man gets an erection. Proponents of the law say it will be the most decisive move to protect unborn life ever made, and opponents have called the law “redicu-stupid-dumb-as-fuck,” as one Democratic aide told us in confidence.

“It’s not enough to keep women from exercising the same sexual and reproductive autonomy men have,” Pence said, “and it’s not enough to cut funding for things that actually prevent pregnancies and therefore the need for abortions in the first place. We must pass a law that under no uncertain terms protects unborn life, but also preconceived or even un-conceived life as well.”

Father Pence says the law is aimed at “protecting life as early as possible.”

“Some say you have to protect it at conception, where life starts,” Pence said. “But I believe you have to go back to before the beginning. I suggested making abortion illegal once the testes produce sperm, but I was outvoted on that one.”



“I have long believed that erections, boners as they’re known to savages to heathens, are like rock hard, blood filled conduits right to God,” Pence said at the prayer breakfast. “God can speak through and with your penis, men, and when he speaketh, you should listen.”

Mr. Pence told the congregants of the church the breakfast was held at that he believes “deep, deep down inside” himself that stopping abortion in America is “literally the only job” he should be doing.

“There are no other important issues in this country right now. Not the economy, not whether our government is run by corrupt puppets of a fascist foreign regime,” Pence said. “Just abortion.”

Vice President Pence acknowledged that enforcement of the law could be “sticky” and that there are “all kinds of gray areas that will have to be explored.”

“I know not every boner leads to sex, much less a baby,” Pence said. “Heck, I know that because every time I watch college wrestling I get a No Point Boner — mother and I call my erections we can’t make babies with No Point Boners — and so we can’t go around throwing people in jail because they get a COMPLETELY UNEXPLAINED ERECTION watching wrestling. But we’ll figure it out.”

Pastor Pence is committed, he said, to enforcing the law by himself if he must.

“If I’m the only one who has the guts to personally inspect every young man’s heaving, bulging crotch to make sure any erections they get don’t lead to abortions,” Pence said, “then that is exactly what I can and will do.  Life is too precious for me to not start looking at and copping feels on all the junk…mmm…allllllll the junk.”

This is a developing story.

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If You Hear “Yanny” You’re Probably Going To Die

When Cloe Feldman uploaded an audio clip to Twitter and asked people whether they heard the word “Yanny” or the word “Laurel” in it, she touched off this year’s new “Blue or White Dress?” Internet phenomenon. Taken from an audio clip Feldman found on Reddit, the original poster claims it’s a recording from Vocabulary.com’s pronunciation feature.




Feldman’s tweet, below.

It seems like everyone from regular people to celebrities have an opinion as to what is heard when one listens to the recording.

Some say they hear the word “Yanny.” Others say they hear “Laurel.” The Failing New York Times went so far as to have a tool created that enhances the audio file in ways that allow you to hear the word both ways. However, shocking new reporting seems to indicate they may have opened a sort of Pandora’s Box by doing so, and might be liable for the deaths of untold hundreds, if not thousands, if not millions of people.

How is that possible, you ask? Because scientists at the National Institute for Auditory Killing Plagues, or NIAKP has analyzed the recording and released a chilling report.

“If you are one of the people who hears the word ‘Yanny’ in the recording, you could be in horrible, terrible danger,” NIAKP Spokesperson Susan McGee told us. “Because this recording contains the spirit of Globglogabgalab, a mythical creature who loves books.”

Apparently, books aren’t the only thing that Globglogabgalab loves though.

“Globglogabgalab loves books, yes,” McGee said. “But he also loves killing people. And unfortunately for humanity, he’s read a ton of books on how to kill humans”

McGee says that Globglogabgalab  has used that knowledge to sinister ends, crafting the Yanny/Laurel audio sound file and imbuing it with mystical, dark powers.  Globglogabgalab specifically cursed the word “Yanny,” and McGee says now those people who hear it have a near certain chance of death.




“We of course can’t predict who will die immediately if they hear Yanny and who won’t, that’s the nature of the curse Globglogabgalab put on the sound files,” McGee said. “But we can predict with 100% statistical certainty that everyone who years ‘Yanny’ will die…eventually…at some point…so this is definitely not an alarmist, overreaction to a harmless Internet meme. This is rilly rill, guys.”

So far there have been no reports of Yanny/Laurel related deaths. Globglogabgalab could not be reached for comment.

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Neil deGrasse Tyson Hired As Script Consultant For “Star Wars: Episode IX”

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — The Disney Corporation has announced that Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson has been brought on board the production team for the upcoming ninth installment of the “Star Wars” saga, and the 11th film in the franchise.

“It is with great pride that we announce Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson will be joining the already amazing crew behind Episode IX,” executive Kathleen Kennedy, who oversees all of Disney’s “Star Wars” operations, told investors this morning. “And we cannot wait for him to put his unique point of view into the Star Wars universe.”




Many know Dr. Tyson as the country’s, and perhaps the world’s, most preeminent astrophysicist.

Tyson is regularly seen on TV giving interviews about scientific subjects, and is the host of the second generation of “The Cosmos,” a show about the universe created by the late Carl Sagan. Tyson has also become known over the years for “ruining” fictitious movies and television shows based on his withering critiques of whatever scientific elements their creators.

Dr. Tyson has already taken on films such as “Gravity,” “Titanic,” and even “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” Each time, Tyson picks apart the alleged science in the science-fiction he is critiquing and explains why, scientifically speaking, the movies are wrong. Kennedy said that she and the rest of the Star Wars team are excited to bring Dr. Tyson aboard for just that very reason.

“We already broke Star Wars, we figured we might as well have Neil ruin the rest of it,” Kennedy explained.

In a written statement, Tyson thanked Disney for the opportunity and laid out a few points of contention he already has with the historic film franchise, which he hopes to address as script consultant.

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“Right off the bat, we’ll be taking all the sound effects out of the space battles,” Tyson said. “So you won’t be hearing any pew pew or boom boom in the vacuum of space anymore. Obviously we will also be replacing all the laser guns with real, earthly, semiautomatic rifles and handguns.”

Tyson listed a few more immediate changes.

“Mystical space wizard powers? Gone. Any forces in my movies will have peer-reviewed, repeatable, provable equations behind them,” Tyson said. “Also, no one will be walking around on the ships anymore. They have to float because they’d be in zero gravity, for non-existent God’s sake!”

One change you might expect Dr. Tyson to make, however, he has flatly said he will not make.

“The gold bikinis stay,” Tyson said. “Even science guys like intergalactic titties.”

Kennedy indicated that she and the rest of the “Star Wars” team are also aware that they might turn off fans of the franchise, even if they aren’t off-put by Tyson fixing all the science in it.

“The way some of them lost their minds over a black Stormtrooper, a female lead as magically powerful as Luke, and an Asian love interest for the black Stormtrooper,” Kennedy said, “we are expecting some intense backlash after letting a black man put his hands on the actual script.”




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Elon Musk Going To Buy And Delete Facebook?

Earlier this week, Elon Musk made global headlines when he deleted the official SpaceX and Tesla pages from Facebook. Musk made certain to clarify that he didn’t make the decision for political reasons, but rather because Facebook gives him “the willies.”




Today, Musk announced that he has reached out to Facebook and offered to buy every share of the company, effectively making him the sole owner of the social media platform. Musk was speaking to a gathering of SpaceX and Tesla investors and told the group even though he has deep misgivings about the site, he’d “do humanity a favor” and buy it.

“I’ve got some cash to burn, so if Zuck wants to make a deal, he knows where to find me,” Musk told investors. “I’d make him a fair offer.”

Musk then showed a PowerPoint presentation that detailed in great length what his plan for Facebook would be.

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“You know, when I told some close confidantes about this idea of mine, they all wanted to know what I’d do with Facebook,” Musk explained. “And as much as I know people like to use it as the Internet’s premier ex-girlfriend or boyfriend stalking platform, I think I have much better solution, and I mean better for the species, if not our entire planet.”

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.”

Cheers erupted in the room. Chants of “Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck!” reverberated throughout the building, growing so loud it drowned out the sound of the ocean’s waves at every beach on the planet. Musk stepped away from the podium he was speaking from, raised his arms in the air in triumph, and took in the adulation from everyone in the room.

This story is developing.




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The Free Market Just Cured AIDS And Cancer All On Its Own!

The American Medicinal Association of America has just made a stunning and likely world-changing announcement — AIDS and cancer have both been simultaneously cured forever.

Stunningly, the AMAA says that it wasn’t the communal efforts of medical research funded largely by taxes that went to various research universities and private labs, but the American free-market capitalist economy that “magically” cured them, according to a press release.




“We are pleased to announce,” the AMAA’s press release begins, “that as of this day forward, AIDS and cancer are hereby to be moved to official Cured status. At this time, it appears that nothing we in the medical research community did through our years of tireless research, performed by using your tax dollars as donations to research hospitals and university medical programs. Instead, this miraculous development is thanks wholly and completely to the free market.”

Dr. Harper Monroe, Chief Research Manager at the AMAA told reporters at a press conference held later that she was “surprised” by the fact that her team’s years of hard work and dedication “didn’t mean nearly as much as the invisible, almighty hand of the free-market capitalist economy.” She did mention that she thought the people she’d worked with for decades to find answers and cures for AIDS and cancer deserved “at least some credit,” but said she understands now that “nothing is as powerful, magnanimous or benevolent” as the free market.

“When I started looking at all the cured samples I had in front of me in the lab this morning,” Harper said, “and after we determined it was nothing but the free market that cured AIDS and cancer, I was struck so deeply that I started to do some historical research and a lot of Googling, and what I found — thanks mostly to alt-right websites and right-wing think tanks like Cato and The Heritage Foundation — is that for every problem mankind has ever had, the free market fixed it perfectly, and without any pressure from either the government, or silly liberal social justice warriors.”




Asked for some examples of other problems solved only by the free market, Dr. Monroe produced her iPad and rattled off a short list.

“World hunger, world peace, the American slave trade, the slave trade in general, racism, homophobia, transphobia, the common cold, uncontrollable farting, mild incontinence, acute incontinence, halitosis, child molestation, homelessness, Jim Crow, women’s suffrage, child labor, domestic abuse, and the unavoidable expansion of the Universe into oblivion have all been fixed or resolved through no other forces but the free market,” Dr. Monroe said, “at least according to all the Internet sources I could find. And as a trained scientician in the sciencey fields of science, I can tell you that you should trust everything you read on the Internet.”

Dr. Harper paused for a moment.

“Seriously. Everything. On the Internet. Is true,” Harper said, finishing her press conference, doing a double-backflip into a somersault, after which she tap danced off the stage, into the arms of Bigfoot.

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Betsy DeVos Wants Congressional Library Renamed “Lieberry Of Congress”

This story first ran on The Political Garbage Chute.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos has reportedly decided to petition Congress and ask that the Library of Congress be officially re-christened to something she said “will look and feel familiar to Trump’s America.” According to papers leaked from the DOE, DeVos intends to ask Congress to rename its seminal collection of written and recorded works “The Lieberry of Congress.”




“We know it’s not under the purview of the Department of Educationizing to name official government buildings,” Secretary DeVos admitted to the press at an early morning prayer breakfast she was holding inside a public school cafeteria during school hours, “but we thought it would just help all Americans if their institutions reflected the level of education everyone is going to receive going forward, and that goes for all aspects of said institution.”

During her tenure as the country’s top enforcer of federal education guidelines, Ms. DeVos said parents of American students should “brace themselves for fun and exciting changes.” One of those changes is the DOE asking Congress to make this proposed change, which DeVos claims will “tie in perfectly” to the overall agenda of the Trump administration.

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“Well, for starters it’ll now have the word ‘lie’ in it,” DeVos stated, “which if you’ve been paying attention to us Trumpers for the first couple weeks you’d know is gonna be a big thing for us, you betcha.”

There will be other changes that DeVos’ education department seeks to make within schools themselves. Secretary DeVos says she’ll have the Department of Education frame and mount each educational proclamation she makes to every school’s outside walls. That way, she says, everyone will see the new rules and have no excuse but to follow them.

Ms. DeVos says that among the changes coming, will be “getting God back into our classrooms where he belongs.”

“I’d also really love to see all the books removed unless they were written by, for, or about God or Jesus Christ,” DeVos said, “our lord and savior, amen.”

No one from the Library of Congress could be reached for comment.”




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Elon Musk Dedicated To Building Affordable Housing On Mars

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Billionaire entrepreneur and inventor Elon Musk has big dreams, and perhaps even larger ambitions as to how to achieve those dreams. His pursuit of seeing those dreams into fruition has garnered him quite a large following and cadre of well-wishers.




However, not everyone is so firmly entrenched on Elon’s side.

Some have questioned why Mr. Musk seems to so much of  his effort into extraterrestrial endeavors and pursuits when there are many problems facing humanity here on Earth. Perhaps in an attempt to address some of those criticisms, Musk told a podcast audience over the weekend that he’s got some very altruistic ideas that coincide with SpaceX’s missions to explore space, particularly the goal to get mankind to Mars and onto its surface.

“Once we get humans on Mars, we’re not just going to be building strip malls full of FroYo establishments and drive-thru Starbucks,” Musk said. “Though, those will definitely be in the works. We’re also going to build extremely affordable housing, you know, provided you can afford the billion or two dollars it’ll cost you to get a flight to Mars.”

Musk announced that he has formed HomesteadX, a subsidiary of SpaceX. The goal of HomesteadX is to build hundreds of what they’re calling “Elondominiums” on Mars. The domiciles will be so cheap that Musk says he will not charge a dime in rent to the inhabitants.

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“If they can get to Mars with us, then we have a place for them stay as long as they want,” Musk said. “I mean, it’s not like they can go back to Earth, so they might as well take us up on our offer.”

Each living unit will have many “Muskamenities” that is hoped will entice space pioneers to sign-up with SpaceX for a flight to Mars.

“These highly sought after luxury Elondominiums will have all the Muskamenities you could possibly hope for in an extraterrestrial living unit,” Musk said. “Broadband Intnernet, full washer and dryer in every unit, and enough oxygen for 100 Martian years.”

Mr. Musk took the opportunity to also announce that he has partnered with The Learning Channel.

“We think the TLC audience will love Martian House Hunters,” Musk said. “So we’re excited for the show to  begin taping some time in the next decade or two.”




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Elon Musk Threatens Tesla Board With Packing Up His Electric Cars And Rocketing Home

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — In recent weeks, the relationship between billionaire inventor Elon Musk and the board of directors of Tesla, his electric vehicle company, has become icy to say the least, and today that relationship may very well have hit an all-time low.




Yesterday, in a series of tweets, Musk addressed the hubbub that has erupted over his treatment of two Wall Street analysts on an investor call. Many indicated they believed Mr. Musk, who also started and controls the space exploration company SpaceX, snubbed the analysts by refusing to answer their questions about Tesla’s future profitability. Musk indicated in tweets it was “foolish” of him to ignore their questions, but today new fuel was heaped onto the fire by Musk himself.

Facing a vote from Tesla’s board to replace him as chairman, Musk fired off a sternly worded letter to the board, urging them to consider their vote carefully. Musk’s statement also contained a dire warning for the board about Tesla’s future development of electric cars and other vehicles.

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Musk’s letter to the Tesla board appears below, in its entirety.

My Fellow Tesla Board Members,

Chill out, dudes, okay? Everything’s gonna be fine. Shareholders have nothing to be worried about; our value will rise — I promise it. But make no mistake, voting to replace me as CEO would bring about major changes to your lives, and to Tesla. Namely — that you’d never, ever see me again and Tesla wouldn’t exist.

See, if you vote to get rid of me, I’ll make it very simple on all of you. I’ll just pack up all the cars and car parts and everything into a rocket, you remember I have a rocket company right? Well, anyway, I’m just going to pack all of Tesla’s shit into a big ol’ Falcon rocket and blast the eff off out of here.

I will take my electric cars and go home, make no mistake about it. The ball’s in your court, guys. Your call, of course, but think long and hard before you do anything drastic.

Your Pal,

Musky

This is a developing story.




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4 Out of 5 Geologists Agree You Are Probably A Seismic Douche

A recent study of geologists from 42 different countries has revealed something quite remarkable — most of them think you’re probably a douche. In fact, 80% of respondents to the University of Green River in Holy Oak, Virginia’s study of the world’s geologists not only said you’re probably a douche, but a “seismic douche” at that.




“It is unmistakable after you parse the data,” Dr. Carla Karloff of the university’s geology department told us. “By and large, most people in the geological field think that you’re a douchebag large enough to be measured on the Richter scale.”

Geologists pointed to the “overabundance of overly eagerly shared opinions on everything from candy to politics” as the top reason that you’re probably a monumental, literally earth moving douchebag, Dr. Karloff said.

“It’s really quite conclusive, when you look at the results,” Dr. Karloff said. “There are so many people with so many garbage opinions that they just can’t wait to share with the world, and social media has only made it worse.”

Karloff tried her best to quantify the planet’s current level of doucheyness and douchetastic doucheocity.

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“It’s estimated that the collective douchebaggery of the species would have enough tectonic heft to break the seven continents up into sixty-two smaller land masses,” Karloff explained, if it were measured like an earthquake.”

Dr. Karloff says that while the results of the study might be hard to swallow for a lot of people, there’s hope for humanity yet.

“The good news is that people could always just shut the fuck up, and they’d greatly reduce their chances of being measured as a douche, seismic or not,” Dr. Karloff said. “You’d be surprised how very few people would think you’re a douche if you kept your mouth shut, Billy.”

The results of the study will be published in the Newish England Journal of Sciencetastic Scientism this summer.

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Mansplaining Now Tops Condoms as Most Effective Contraceptive

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — A groundbreaking new scientific study has been released by the National Institute of Procreation Prevention Services may just change the way you, and the rest of humanity, views contraception.




Preventing a pregnancy while still engaging in the physically and emotionally gratifying activity of sex, or “boning it out,” as biologists refer to it, has vexed humankind forever. Ever since the first cave people discovered that they could have sex for pleasure in addition to making a baby, humans have sought to find ways to get their collective swerve on without risking a baby ruining their entire existence less than a year later.

The new study from NIPPS indicates that while condoms remain an extremely effective method of preventing pregnancy — certainly still much higher than the first method created by those same cave people that involved stuffing peas or pebbles into the man’s penile opening — there is a new contraceptive method available that, when used properly, is 99.999999% effective against pregnancy.

“We can say with almost perfect certainty that mansplaning is the most effective form of birth control ever imagined,” Dr. Billy Williamson told reporters at a press conference today.

Dr. Williamson is the chief researcher who helped NIPPS conduct the study, and he says the results are “so amazing” but that he expects it “could take years to make a woman understand them.”

“What we found,” Dr. Williamson said, “is that when a man attempts to explain something to a woman like she’s an idiot and/or she doesn’t already know the very obvious thing he’s explaining to her, he is so highly unlikely to have sex that there is almost a statistical impossibility for a pregnancy to occur from that particular interaction.”

Williamson said there were, as in any study, exceptions to the rule.

“Women who have absolutely no self esteem or a very low sense of self-worth or value are actually missing something in their ears that would allow them to hear mansplaining,” Williamson said. “So in those cases, they might still end up pregnant. Pregnant, for any women in the room, is when you make a baby in your tum tum, okay?”

A female reporter raised her hand.

“Excuse me, Dr. Williamson,” she asked, “but can you really call this a study on contraception if most of the male subjects didn’t have sex?”

Dr. Williamson sighted, slightly, and barely rolled his eyes before regarding the female reporter with an almost genuine smile.

“Actually, as men, Sweetie, we can say our study is about anything we want to,” Williamson explained, “but more to your point, go make me a pie.”

No pie was made.

“Look, I could explain the science to you all,” Williamson said, “but all you lady journalists may need your male colleagues to go over this with you more in depth after the press conference, okay? So maybe it’s best if you all just trust me. I mean, I am a man after all so…”





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