VALLE LA CHINGADA ESTUPIDA, CALIFORNIA — Today the Double-Dean of Admission at the world’s foremost leading pseudo-medical research university announced the addition of a new teaching doctor to the faculty.
“It is with great honor and extinction that I warmly welcome Dr. Jessica Biel to the Mercola University faculty,” Dr. Jenny McCarthy wrote in a letter to students and staff. “I am sure that Jessica will embody the foundational values upon which this fine institution rests its reputation: Vapidity. Illogic. Misinformation. And of course, Late Stage Capitalism.”
Mercola University, according to McCarthy’s letter, is not only the first research lab to discover the link between autism and vaccines, but between vaccines and over 72 different medical conditions.
“Vaccines have been tied to autism, the Bubonic plague, diarrhea of the penis hole, elbow cancer, and many, many diseases thanks to the work done here, which Dr. Biel will now help guide,” McCarthy wrote.
Biel will be teaching courses in “The Dangers of Herd Immunity,” “History and Appreciation of Woo, Voodoo, Essential Oils, and Whale Queefs,” and “Child Burial.”
“Dr. Jessie, is like, totally up on everything, too, guys,” McCarthy wrote. “She, like so many of us in this vital field, has done her research. She boasts more than twelve different Google searches for the link between Autism and vaccination, which shows that she doesn’t just take the first eleven totally fictitious things she reads at face value. Jessica has a commitment to the untruth that is unwavering.”
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This is not Dr. Biel’s first experience with Mercola University. Just a couple of weeks ago, she gave the commencement address to the graduating class.
“I say to you today, go forth, and spread the bullshit. Spread it far. Spread it wide. Force people to consider ridiculous things as if they could possibly true,” Dr. Biel encouraged the graduates, “and whine like hell when they insist that common sense things have the sam weight as your unscientific babble and unverified gobbledygook.”
Biel graduates that the “future of humankind” was in their hands.
“That future could be a wonderful, long, healthy life of six, maybe seven years! And you could help make that dream a reality,” Biel said with passion in her voice. “Because it’s like I always say, ‘Hamburger titty plunger, flipskip magoo.'”
McCarthy’s welcome letter stated that Dr. Biel’s ten minute standing ovation was the longest for any commencement speech the university had ever played host to.
“This most hysterical institution has always blazed its own path. We have always known the vital role that snake oil plays in lubricating the mind’s eye and turning it toward true, holistic healing,” McCarthy wrote. “Bringing Dr. Biel onboard is simply a continuation of that thread that reaches all the way back to this university’s roots, and it reaffirms our commitment to the principle that you don’t have have expertise to be an expert.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.