White House To Push For Bill Outlawing Abortion After Point Of Erection

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  At a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital today, the country’s vice president and official high religious inquisitor told attendees that he and President Donald J. Trump have been working on a new law they intend to present to congress for debate.




Under the close, watchful eye of Vice President High Priest Mike Pence, the White House will double-down on its anti-abortion agenda and propose a law that would outlaw abortion after a man gets an erection. Hopefully, the vice president said, it is passed into law “sooner rather than later.”

On Friday, Trump administration officials announced they would re-institute the “Global Gag Order,” a policy created by President Ronald Reagan in 1988. It prevents medical institutions all around the world from getting federal taxpayer dollars if they perform abortion services, or even provide information about abortions to patients.

Opponents of the rule, which was challenged in court by Planned Parenthood back when Reagan first instituted it (President Clinton later completely rescinded the order), say that it could block women from getting any reproductive care at all.

However, the Trump administration isn’t nearly done addressing abortion.

Later this year, the White House will present the Stiff Commitment To Life Act to Congress. If passed, the law would make it illegal for an abortion to be performed after a man gets an erection. Proponents of the law say it will be the most decisive move to protect unborn life ever made, and opponents have called the law “redicu-stupid-dumb-as-fuck,” as one Democratic aide told us in confidence.

“It’s not enough to keep women from exercising the same sexual and reproductive autonomy men have,” Pence said, “and it’s not enough to cut funding for things that actually prevent pregnancies and therefore the need for abortions in the first place. We must pass a law that under no uncertain terms protects unborn life, but also preconceived or even un-conceived life as well.”

Father Pence says the law is aimed at “protecting life as early as possible.”

“Some say you have to protect it at conception, where life starts,” Pence said. “But I believe you have to go back to before the beginning. I suggested making abortion illegal once the testes produce sperm, but I was outvoted on that one.”



“I have long believed that erections, boners as they’re known to savages to heathens, are like rock hard, blood filled conduits right to God,” Pence said at the prayer breakfast. “God can speak through and with your penis, men, and when he speaketh, you should listen.”

Mr. Pence told the congregants of the church the breakfast was held at that he believes “deep, deep down inside” himself that stopping abortion in America is “literally the only job” he should be doing.

“There are no other important issues in this country right now. Not the economy, not whether our government is run by corrupt puppets of a fascist foreign regime,” Pence said. “Just abortion.”

Vice President Pence acknowledged that enforcement of the law could be “sticky” and that there are “all kinds of gray areas that will have to be explored.”

“I know not every boner leads to sex, much less a baby,” Pence said. “Heck, I know that because every time I watch college wrestling I get a No Point Boner — mother and I call my erections we can’t make babies with No Point Boners — and so we can’t go around throwing people in jail because they get a COMPLETELY UNEXPLAINED ERECTION watching wrestling. But we’ll figure it out.”

Pastor Pence is committed, he said, to enforcing the law by himself if he must.

“If I’m the only one who has the guts to personally inspect every young man’s heaving, bulging crotch to make sure any erections they get don’t lead to abortions,” Pence said, “then that is exactly what I can and will do.  Life is too precious for me to not start looking at and copping feels on all the junk…mmm…allllllll the junk.”

This is a developing story.

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Betsy DeVos Wants Congressional Library Renamed “Lieberry Of Congress”

This story first ran on The Political Garbage Chute.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos has reportedly decided to petition Congress and ask that the Library of Congress be officially re-christened to something she said “will look and feel familiar to Trump’s America.” According to papers leaked from the DOE, DeVos intends to ask Congress to rename its seminal collection of written and recorded works “The Lieberry of Congress.”




“We know it’s not under the purview of the Department of Educationizing to name official government buildings,” Secretary DeVos admitted to the press at an early morning prayer breakfast she was holding inside a public school cafeteria during school hours, “but we thought it would just help all Americans if their institutions reflected the level of education everyone is going to receive going forward, and that goes for all aspects of said institution.”

During her tenure as the country’s top enforcer of federal education guidelines, Ms. DeVos said parents of American students should “brace themselves for fun and exciting changes.” One of those changes is the DOE asking Congress to make this proposed change, which DeVos claims will “tie in perfectly” to the overall agenda of the Trump administration.

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“Well, for starters it’ll now have the word ‘lie’ in it,” DeVos stated, “which if you’ve been paying attention to us Trumpers for the first couple weeks you’d know is gonna be a big thing for us, you betcha.”

There will be other changes that DeVos’ education department seeks to make within schools themselves. Secretary DeVos says she’ll have the Department of Education frame and mount each educational proclamation she makes to every school’s outside walls. That way, she says, everyone will see the new rules and have no excuse but to follow them.

Ms. DeVos says that among the changes coming, will be “getting God back into our classrooms where he belongs.”

“I’d also really love to see all the books removed unless they were written by, for, or about God or Jesus Christ,” DeVos said, “our lord and savior, amen.”

No one from the Library of Congress could be reached for comment.”




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BetsyDeVos Wants Sixth Grade Science Textbooks Replaced With The New Testament

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Education, under direction from Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, will be rolling out several key changes to America’s school curriculum next school year.




Current school guidelines, lesson plans, and materials will remain unchanged through the current term, but beginning in the fall of 2018, the DOE has said it will make “sweeping reforms.” At a press conference late last week, Secretary DeVos announced one of the changes.

“Starting next school year,” DeVos announced, “all sixth grade science textbooks will be replaced by the New Testament from the Holy Bible, American translation version.”

Before going on, DeVos paused. She reached behind her and produced a giant check, made out to the Republican Party, and another made out to the Donald Trump 2020 re-election campaign. She handed one check to a representative from the GOP, and another to Trump, who had joined DeVos for the announcement, saying he “just love[s] getting [his] picture in the papers.”

“There, I didn’t want to forget to give Don and the Republicans their monthly payments,” DeVos said, “and so now I’d be happy to take a few questions from you.”

A reporter asked DeVos why she felt the need to remove actual science texts and replace them with religious texts. DeVos giggled. She smiled blankly, and then replied.

“Both Donald and I feel this is a much gooder direction to take our educationicial systems,” Secretary DeVos said, adding, “and the first step toward learning our kids in a more better way is to get them right with God, I always say. And what I say goes, because to the donor go the spoils, as they say.”

When asked for some concrete examples of the benefits she and the president expect to see from making such a drastic change, DeVos smiled and giggled again.




“For starters,” Ms. DeVos said, “it saves a whole ton of money because I personally have a bible collection in the millions. I have so many bibles my church actually said I need to stop buying bibles because other people want to buy bibles. But, you can never have too much of the gospel, know what I mean?”

DeVos said she and Trump believed there would be other benefits as well.

“It also saves time,” DeVos insisted, “because there’s so much less that teachers have to teach in their science classes if we just pretend that there haven’t really been science-y things happening, right?”

 

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Atheists STORM the Capital to spread their agenda of “being nice”

WASHINGTON, DC – The Secular Coalition for America is in the midst of their “Day of Action,” where they encourage atheists and other non-theists to contact their representatives and let their voices be heard.

Personally, I find this to be terribly dangerous. After all, atheists don’t worship the great and powerful God, so how can they be trusted with basic decision making?

They’re in no place to choose what happens in our country. Only those who LOVE GOD are! After all, God is so great that he killed all life on Earth (twice) and continues to allow disease, war, and suffering to exist.

Just look at them. They’re so happy with themselves! We simply can’t have that. We can’t allow these Godless Heathens to be happy without knowing how much God loves them! They have to know that God loves them so much, that if they don’t love him back, they’ll be doomed to burn in hell for eternity. NOBODY wants that to happen to them! #SaveTheirSoulsLordJesus

These atheists really should go back to their seances and animal sacrifices, and stay OUT of our government!

And LOOK at what they’re doing here – they’re giving away handouts to help these Criminals of Christ™ influence our government! CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!

You DEFINITELY should NOT click on these PDF links made by Secular Coalition for America, and SHOULD NOT share them with ANYONE!

First Amendment Defense Act fact sheet (THIS SOUNDS GREAT, I MEAN HOW CAN YOU BE AGAINST THE FIRST AMENDMENT?!)

SCA’s position on FADA

Do No Harm Act (GOD WON’T ALLOW HARM TO HAPPEN TO HIS FOLLOWERS – SO SAYS THE BOOK OF JOB, 4:20)

Summary of the Do No Harm Act

Living as a nontheist in America (I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE!)

PLEASE, under NO circumstances, should you contact your representative to share your thoughts about these issues. It’s not like the government setup a website to help you do that, anyway!

And whatever you do, absolutely do NOT go to their website, Secular.org, or their Lobby Day website, LobbyDay.us, to learn more about what these rabid, bloodthirsty atheists are doing to help destroy our country by wanting people to get along with one another!

GOD BLESS

Trump administration gives bailout to Toys ‘R’ Us, stopping chain’s closure





WASHINGTON, DC – In a precedented move, Donald Trump and his administration have given a bailout to Toys ‘R’ Us, shortly after the popular toy company announced it would be closing all of its stores nationwide.

“ALL TOYS MATTER!,” shouted his supporters at a rally for the toy chain.

The announcement from Toys ‘R’ Us, was curious, following a Trump tweet about a positive jobs report from Toys ‘R’ Us, last fall.





Of course, this didn’t stop him from defending himself from his critics following the decision:

Just like the banks who sold predatory loans that they knew customers couldn’t afford in the early 2000s, Trump believes that Toys ‘R’ Us, is “too big to fail.”





Later, Trump told reporters more about his controversial decision to bail out the fallen toy giant.

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“I look at all the toys they have in there. Have you ever been in one of their stores? They’re big. And I mean really big. They’re huge! And they have anything you could possibly want as a kid. They have bikes to trains to video games. It’s the biggest toy store there is! They’re part of the very fabric of American culture, and we simply can’t afford to lose them in a time like this.”

In a private dinner among friends last night, Trump went into more detail about the decision.

“We have illegal toys flooding in through our borders and from China. It’s ridiculous. We have a huge trade deficit with Canada on toys, too. I guess I don’t know if the statement about the trade deficit with Canada is true or not, but get this – I said it to Trudeau’s face and he didn’t immediately call me out on it. I mean, I don’t know if it’s true, I’m told it might not be, we’ll have to take a look at the numbers again and see, but what’s important is that it feels like it’s true, and if something feels true, I dare question if that doesn’t make it true. Isn’t truth relative?”

Betsy DeVos totally nails ‘The Real World: US Government’ casting interview





If you haven’t yet heard, the United States Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, had a great interview on 60 Minutes last weekend where she auditioned to be on the next season of MTV’s The Real World.

MTV’s show, The Real World, is the cult TV show where people stop being polite, and start being real.

Casting for this next season is still underway, as there are many openings left on the show.




For example, many cast members of The Real World: United States Government don’t yet have proper clearance to be on the show, but that doesn’t stop a lot of prospective cast members from just showing up for work anyway!

And with cast members like Rex Tillerson finding out he was kicked of the show just this morning by reading it on Twitter, we can expect a lot more casting calls to come.

What’s important about these interviews is to give producers interesting responses that they can turn into catchy soundbites for their show. So I think it’s great that DeVos had so much, or sometimes so little, to say when she was asked questions.

Let’s be honest, it’s not fair to expect her to know everything about everything. Sometimes it’s better to leave things unsaid, and DeVos knows it! Technically, saying nothing is still saying something!




Other fans of The Real World: United States Government expressed concern that DeVos showed up to the wrong casting call.

This is the type of buzz producers want to see, because it’ll generate more interest for their show. I can’t wait to see what happens next season.

Betsy, welcome to The Real World!