MARS — The chief tracking officer at NASA is confirming at the time of publication that the Mars rover known as “Curiosity” has likely been taken permanently offline after it was attacked by a massive Martian feline. “Holy. Fucking. Shit. That’s what I said, alright, man? I said that and then I turned to Billy, […] More
Following the announcement from NASA today that organic matter was discovered on Mars, the Monsanto Company immediately reached out to NASA regarding sending Monsanto’s scientists to Mars to genetically modify it. Speaking to Monsanto’s CEO Hugh Grant, Alternative-Science.com gained exclusive insight into the situation. “We were just as excited as everyone else hearing the news […] More
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In less than a week’s time, the Donald Trump administration has experienced two separate incidents that many would say show an uncanny lack of historical knowledge, but Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is not among them. “Despite the fact that Canada did not exist in 1812,” Sec. DeVos said as she spoke to a […] More
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The scandal involving chief EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt’s financial and administrative decisions shows no signs of going away any time soon. Picking Mr. Pruitt to head up the EPA was controversial because as Oklahoma’s Attorney General, he would routinely sue the department for what he called governmental overreach. Since taking over the […] More
WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced a new educational reform program called “Every Child Left Behind.” “It’s a new day in America,” DeVos said as she took to the podium, “and it’s a new era in American education. We’re going to privatize every last drop of it that we can […] More
JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI – Following a new Supreme Court ruling today, all of your friends on Facebook are now officially legal experts. According to a new study published by Stanford University, after every major SCOTUS ruling, 80% of your Facebook friends will read a couple headlines from their preferred news outlets that comfort their personal bias, […] More
LAGO DEL DESESPERACIÓN, FLORIDA — Back in April of this year, 28 year old nurse and Florida resident Jane Sampson was raped while walking home after working a late shift at St. Mary’s Hospital. To her utter shock and dismay, when Jane missed her period in May, she took a pregnancy test and found out she […] More
This story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute. WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) wants NASA to “find some places where we can turn this country’s dangerous obsession with ‘science’ and ‘space’” into something the whole country can benefit from. This week, Cruz announced that he plans to propose the “Turn All Our Old […] More
BONTÉ FALLS, WEST VIRGINIA — Researchers in West Virginia recently published the results of a study they conducted which they say proves Vice President Mike Pence “thinks about butt sex more than people having butt sex think about butt sex.” Dr. Randall Samilost is a behavioral psychologist at the West Virginia Institute of Science of Technology and […] More
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing a need to make the “direction, tone, tenor, and goals” of her Department of Education as “clear as possible,” Betsy DeVos has issued an official memorandum, directing all future educational decrees framed and hammered into the walls outside of every school in the nation. “These decrees are going to be very […] More
