New SCOTUS ruling makes all your Facebook friends legal experts

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI – Following a new Supreme Court ruling today, all of your friends on Facebook are now officially legal experts.

According to a new study published by Stanford University, after every major SCOTUS ruling, 80% of your Facebook friends will read a couple headlines from their preferred news outlets that comfort their personal bias, then make assumptions about what the ruling means based on said bias.

The remaining 20% will actually read the articles, then realize that most of the headlines are rather misleading, or that many of the articles sensationalized the ruling and/or missed the point entirely. These people likely avoid commenting about things publicly, not because they’re uncertain about their own views. Rather, they’re trying to avoid confrontations with the 80% who haven’t bothered to read beyond a couple headlines.

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“It’s just too exhausting to deal with the idiots who have no fucking idea what they’re talking about in the first place,” said 20-percenter Julia Scott. “I’d just rather move on with my life and, you know, do something useful instead of arguing with some idiot on the internet.”

Still, this research comes as a shock to many, who previously had no idea that their friends were all legal experts.

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“I just always thought that Ronnie was a plumber, not that I thought plumbers weren’t smart, but it was a shock to me that all of a sudden he was able to provide such an extensive breakdown of a Supreme Court ruling that he didn’t even read in the first place,” said Helen Keeling.

“LAWYER THINGS!” added Helen.

“I really, really enjoy reading the legal interpretations of rulings by celebrities, minutes after the ruling has been made public,” said Scott Keller. “I mean, they’re celebrities, most of them come up with good zingers pretty easily, and it’s great that they’re able to spout off such informed opinions on complicated and nuanced matters so easily. I really enjoy reading the headlines of things, assuming whatever I want to about what may or may not be actually true, and then just going forward with my opinion and calling anyone who disagrees an idiot. It’s worked out for me so far for 42 years, so I don’t see why it won’t work for another 42!”

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