FORT ENFANT MARIÉE, ALABAMA — The Republican caucus within Alabama’s state legislature, perhaps under pressure from negative press generated by the state’s controversial new abortion law, have released a 15-point pamphlet on the do’s and don’ts having a vagina in Alabama.
In the interest of public awareness and edification, we are reprinting the contents of the pamphlet, verbatim, below.
10 Things We’ll Still Let You Do With Your Vagina
So, you’ve got yourself one of the Good American Lord™’s most holiest of gifts — a baby maker. You may call it a “womb,” or your “reproductive organs,” if you’re some kind of Godless heathen liberal, perhaps. But, let’s be honest here, ladies: You are, pretty much, only here on Earth to accept man seed and magically turn it into baby after baby. Everything else you do? Great! Wonderful! We’re hip and cool and all that jazz, really. But, let’s be even more honester here, ladies: You’re not well-equipped to handle the responsibilities that come with having a vagina.
That’s where we come in. Our belief in small government comports perfectly with our need to police your genitals. It’s not about you, or us, really, though. It’s about babies. Babies that, at the time of most abortions don’t look much different than gummy bear crossed with one of those aliens from the movie franchise “Alien.” But, still. Babies. Think of the babies.
We’re not monsters, though, ladies. We know it’s silly and impossible to try to control everything you do with your own genitals. Not that you don’t all need the constant supervision, of course. We just haven’t figured out how that would all work.
To show you our kind benevolence in action, we wanted provide you this handy-dandy guide to the many things we will still let you do with your vagina. Enjoy!
#1. Practice Abstinence
Not married? Then you really don’t need to do anything with your vagina, do you? No marriage means you really shouldn’t be doing things that risk getting pregnant, because as we all know, the divorce rate is tiny. Also, there is really no rush! They’ll be your cousin your whole life, so you have plenty of time to fall in love and make sure you two really are as compatible as your shared genes would suggest you’d be.
#2. Read the Bible to It
Very truthfully, you probably should not be reading anything to your vagina. The simple fact is that the vagina is God’s natural and most direct pathway to the lady-brain. And we all know that ladies shouldn’t learn too much, because it could possibly cause them to have their thoughts and feelings and dominion over their own bodies. Gross, right? But if you’re gonna read anything to your hoo-hoo-dilly, read the Good Book to it. Something from First or Second Kings, maybe. Who knows? We’ve never read it, really, so your guess is as good as ours!
#3. Whatever We Tell You To Do With It
Seriously. Read this one a few times until it sinks in.
#4. Donate It To the Incel of Your Choice
Really, ladies, why ARE you being stingy with it? Just marry one of the lovely lads who spends all day screaming about all taxation is theft and feminism is cancer! Then, you can make a baby with them. You might be thinking that incels sound disgusting, and you want nothing to do with them. You would never want to get that close to them. Well, you’re in luck! These dudes have been so pussy-deprived that they’ll pop off literally within a half-pump. You’ll barely notice. You might not even get pregnant, because they’ve spent the last 24 years slugging energy drinks and sitting on their balls. What’s the worst that could happen, really?
#5. Bleed Once a Month, But Don’t Get Crazy and Stick a Tampon in There
We’re still not sure exactly what those things do, honestly.
#6. Crochet It a Hat
Just not a pussy hat. Don’t be immature! Now, let’s get back to grown adults telling other grown adults when/where/why/how to fuck.
#7. Teach It To Whistle Dixie
You’ll be a hit at parties! Of course, you’ll have to commit a sin by getting your vagina out for a non-procreative or birthing reason. But, the tradeoff is your genitals will be whistling a song about the glorious cause of the Confederacy — owning black people like you own lawn and garden tools.
#8. Play The Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity Shows For It
Why not take this opportunity to teach your vagina how to be a proper, ruggedly individual vagina? Who better to tell you, a woman, when to carry a child to full term than a pill popping loudmouth with multiple divorces and zero kdis,
#9. Take It To Go See “Unplanned”
You will literally never find a better movie to show your vagina than “Unplanned,” which is some of the best anti-abortion propaganda out there. What better way to show your vagina you still have autonomy than fanfic written by people who think a blastocyst is deserves a Social Security card? Exactly. You can’t. Because you’re a dumb girl. Next?
#10. Buy It Some Guns
You really want to protect your vagina, Young Missy? Then you need at least sixteen semiautomatic weapons. Maybe more. Just do us a favor and don’t actually put them in your vagina. Oh, not because that’d be unsafe. Guns are literally the safest, most benign tools ever invented. No, we don’t want doing that because then we couldn’t regulate your vagina, since technically it’d be a gungina at that point. And, shall not be infringed, right?
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.