James Schlarmann 
Doctors and medical professionals all over the country, and indeed the world, are marveling right now that the discovery of a new breed of human being. It’s been quite a long time since anthropologists could announce the discovery of a new subspecies of human. From coast to coast, however, doctors and medical staff are giving countless interviews, proclaiming it a new day for scientific community.
“A Democrat with a functioning spinal column? You’ve got to be kidding me,” Dr. Jane Janison of the University of Western Tuscon’s medical school told us via Skype. “If you told me we’d either get evidence of Sasquatch or evidence of a vertebrate Democrat yesterday, I’d have assumed you’d be showing me pictures of Sass. But never in my wildest dreams would I believe we’d see the day where a Democrat with a spine is trotted out in front of us.”
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Dr. Cheryl T. Williger was the one who made the first announcement of the discovery of a Democrat with a spine, or vertebrate Democrat as the medical community has termed it. Holding a press conference, and standing beside a giant picture of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), Dr. Williger discussed her findings with the media. She was barely able to stifle her excitement.
“Today, after months of conjecture and increasing anxiety, Speaker Pelosi announced the formation of a committee especially for the impeachment of Donald Trump,” Dr. Williger told reporters. “It was shortly thereafter that we discovered Ms. Pelosi’s spinal column. It had been tucked neatly away in her body, under the tissues, tendons, and ruling class campaign donations that make up her physical form.”
According to Dr. Williger, the medical community has long wondered if there were any Democrats that had spines. Over time, the lack of political courage seen by Democratic elected officials seemed to only heap more anecdotal evidence onto the pile that indeed the vertebrate Democrat was a mythical creature.
“There was a time when I thought that we’d get confirmation of alien life on other planets, or of the existence of God, before we saw a Democrat with a spine,” Williger said. “So you can imagine we’re all just a little beside ourselves right now.”
Doctors are warning everyone not to get too used to seeing a fully vertebrate Democrat, however.
“There is perhaps no more elusive creature than the Democrat with an intact spine,” Williger explained. “Sometimes, they talk like they’ve got the biggest spines imaginable, but they still end up drone striking and killing civilians and not holding any bankers accountable for an economic meltdown. Even though we’ve seen definitively now that Democrats can have spines, we should be cautious and presume every single one has a spinal column. In fact, I’d say this should be treated as an aberration until we can confirm otherwise.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
