MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — In a development that might be beneficial to President Trump’s claims that he has kept many of his campaign promises, the Mexican government has sent a letter to the White House, agreeing to pay for at least a portion of his much ballyhooed border wall.
“Dear Mr. President, it has come to our attention that you are building, or at the very least plan to build, a wall on the border between Mexico and your state of Colorado,” the letter, signed by the Mexican parliament and president reads. “We know that in the past we have flatly refused to even entertain the idea of paying for a single square inch, much less a mile, of your border wall, but we would like to amend our stance on that subject as of now. The people of Mexico will pay for 100% of the wall you build between our country and Colorado.”
Trump may see this is a major political win, however there is some fine print he’ll need to keep in mind. The letter from Mexico states that there are very strict limits on exactly where they will pay for the wall. Any portions of the wall not within those boundaries will not be paid for by the Mexican government.
“Just to be very clear,” Mexico writes, “the only section of your border wall we are willing to pay for is the part that directly borders Colorado and our country. We will not pay for any wall portion that borders any other state. Not Texas, not New Mexico, not Arizona, and not California. As a reminder to you, sir, all of those states are part of your country, even if they didn’t give you any Electoral College votes when you barely won the presidency on the strength of about 100,000 votes spread out over three key states. We’re not sure why we’re reminding you of this now, except to say, ‘Trolololol,’ Mr. President.”
When he entered the political arena officially, Mr. Trump did so by pilloring Mexican immigrants, and the Mexican people in general. In a famous speech at his Trump Tower in New York, then candidate Trump railed against people who come to the U.S. from Mexico, calling them “rapists” and “drug dealers.” Many wondered at the time if a modern American electorate could embrace such open hostility toward people of color and minority groups. Almost three years into his first term, the country seems to have gotten an answer to that particular question.
“Mr. President, we hope you find this offer to your liking. We’ve seen over the last two and a half years how cranky you can get when you don’t get your way,” the Mexican letter states. “So this offer is an olive branch of sorts, Mr. President. Maybe we can’t and won’t pay for any other sections of your wall, but we can absolutely afford to pay for the parts of the wall that would separate Mexico from Colorado, sir. Surely that must be a good compromise?”
Reportedly, the White House has received the letter and President Trump is weighing his options.
“Chances are the president will accept the Mexican government’s offer,” White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney told reporters as he arrived for work at the White House this morning. “President Trump this morning took a black sharpie and redrew the U.S./Mexico border to include Colorado. Which, of course, makes it very legal and very cool. So we’ll be sending Mexico an invoice for the wall portion that’ll go up in Colorado, you can bet on that.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.