Betsy DeVos Wants Congressional Library Renamed “Lieberry Of Congress”

This story first ran on The Political Garbage Chute.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos has reportedly decided to petition Congress and ask that the Library of Congress be officially re-christened to something she said “will look and feel familiar to Trump’s America.” According to papers leaked from the DOE, DeVos intends to ask Congress to rename its seminal collection of written and recorded works “The Lieberry of Congress.”




“We know it’s not under the purview of the Department of Educationizing to name official government buildings,” Secretary DeVos admitted to the press at an early morning prayer breakfast she was holding inside a public school cafeteria during school hours, “but we thought it would just help all Americans if their institutions reflected the level of education everyone is going to receive going forward, and that goes for all aspects of said institution.”

During her tenure as the country’s top enforcer of federal education guidelines, Ms. DeVos said parents of American students should “brace themselves for fun and exciting changes.” One of those changes is the DOE asking Congress to make this proposed change, which DeVos claims will “tie in perfectly” to the overall agenda of the Trump administration.

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“Well, for starters it’ll now have the word ‘lie’ in it,” DeVos stated, “which if you’ve been paying attention to us Trumpers for the first couple weeks you’d know is gonna be a big thing for us, you betcha.”

There will be other changes that DeVos’ education department seeks to make within schools themselves. Secretary DeVos says she’ll have the Department of Education frame and mount each educational proclamation she makes to every school’s outside walls. That way, she says, everyone will see the new rules and have no excuse but to follow them.

Ms. DeVos says that among the changes coming, will be “getting God back into our classrooms where he belongs.”

“I’d also really love to see all the books removed unless they were written by, for, or about God or Jesus Christ,” DeVos said, “our lord and savior, amen.”

No one from the Library of Congress could be reached for comment.”




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BetsyDeVos Wants Sixth Grade Science Textbooks Replaced With The New Testament

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Education, under direction from Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, will be rolling out several key changes to America’s school curriculum next school year.




Current school guidelines, lesson plans, and materials will remain unchanged through the current term, but beginning in the fall of 2018, the DOE has said it will make “sweeping reforms.” At a press conference late last week, Secretary DeVos announced one of the changes.

“Starting next school year,” DeVos announced, “all sixth grade science textbooks will be replaced by the New Testament from the Holy Bible, American translation version.”

Before going on, DeVos paused. She reached behind her and produced a giant check, made out to the Republican Party, and another made out to the Donald Trump 2020 re-election campaign. She handed one check to a representative from the GOP, and another to Trump, who had joined DeVos for the announcement, saying he “just love[s] getting [his] picture in the papers.”

“There, I didn’t want to forget to give Don and the Republicans their monthly payments,” DeVos said, “and so now I’d be happy to take a few questions from you.”

A reporter asked DeVos why she felt the need to remove actual science texts and replace them with religious texts. DeVos giggled. She smiled blankly, and then replied.

“Both Donald and I feel this is a much gooder direction to take our educationicial systems,” Secretary DeVos said, adding, “and the first step toward learning our kids in a more better way is to get them right with God, I always say. And what I say goes, because to the donor go the spoils, as they say.”

When asked for some concrete examples of the benefits she and the president expect to see from making such a drastic change, DeVos smiled and giggled again.




“For starters,” Ms. DeVos said, “it saves a whole ton of money because I personally have a bible collection in the millions. I have so many bibles my church actually said I need to stop buying bibles because other people want to buy bibles. But, you can never have too much of the gospel, know what I mean?”

DeVos said she and Trump believed there would be other benefits as well.

“It also saves time,” DeVos insisted, “because there’s so much less that teachers have to teach in their science classes if we just pretend that there haven’t really been science-y things happening, right?”

 

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Betsy DeVos Orders Immediate Flattening Of All School Globes





WASHINGTON, D.C. — This weekend, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos issued an order that all globes being used in any American school are to be “flattened like God made it just 6,000 years ago.”

DeVos was confirmed in the Senate 51-50, with the deciding vote being cast by Vice President and 2015 winner of the Lantern Jawed Bigot of the Year Award from Christofascists Weekly Mike Pence. When Pence broke the tie, it was the first time since 2008 that a Senate vote had to be broken in such a way. Perhaps most notably, this was the first time in our nation’s 240 year history that a cabinet member had to be confirmed in such a way.

“Sure, I was literally dragged across the finish line by Vice President pence,” DeVos said in an email to the DOE staffers directing the globe flattening edict, “but elections have consequences. Apparently so does giving hundreds of millions of dollars to campaigns.”

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Ms. DeVos’ order says she plans on putting the “pro back in quid pro quo.”

“I’m going to make sure I leverage this opportunity the right way, like a professional grifter should,” DeVos’ email says, “and that means I’ll be putting the pro back in quid pro quo, that’s for darn sure.”




Flattening globes in classrooms all across the country will help in “a myriad of ways,” DeVos said.

“Jobs will be created, firstly,” DeVos said, “when we hire the flattening teams. Also, our children will be finally seeing the world how our one, true, American Christian God — all rights reserved, trademark Trump Presidency, Inc. — meant it to be when he created it all, literally every single, living and non-living thing, in six days.”

Previewing some other plans she has for the Department of Education, Ms. DeVos told reporters she was “extremely pleased” that the millions of dollars given to Republican candidates over the years was “money well spent.”

“It’s like when you go to the store and you pick out the perfect Bible,” DeVos said, “and you know it’ll make the best science textbook ever. That’s how it feels, knowing it was money well spent giving shit loads of cash to Republicans for decades. We’re extremely pleased in this family right now. We got the best government position our money could by. Just like the Constitution says it should work!”

Reached for comment, Delores Umbridge told the media that she was “quite proud” of her friend Betsy. Umbridge said that DeVos taught her everything she knows about “being a boot licking tool of a vile, dark force” and she had every confidence DeVos would “absolutely nail it.”




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Trump Announces U.S. Will Celebrate Flat Earth Day Instead





WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning as he was heading out to a Dunkin’ Donuts near the White House for his “pre-golf fuel up,” as he’d later call it, President Donald Trump announced that the United States will officially pull out of global Earth Day celebrations. Instead, the United States government will recognize the same day, but for a different reason.

“While everyone else is celebrating Earth Day,” Trump told reporters, “we’re going to celebrate Flat Earth Day instead. Betsy DeVos came up with the idea, and I happen to think it’s really quite tremendous.”

Promising that it will highlight the “best in ancient science and outdated belief systems,” Trump says that Flat Earth Day will be a “celebration of ignoring all the progress of the 20th and 21st centuries.”

“We did some bigly great things the last hundred and fifty years,” Trump said, “and all those things bring us closer to the Devil as well as make America worse. Sure, we didn’t walk on the moon until we could afford to pay for it using tax dollars raised from a system of economics that taxed the rich more, but fairly. Wait, what was I saying?”

Trump was reminded by the reporter from Breitbart that he was discussing Flat Earth Day.




“Oh right, that,” Trump continued, “yoogely important to celebrate Flat Earth Day. For far too long we’ve let people use science to walk all over fundamentalists, and that has to stop. We have to give equal weight to the people’s beliefs that state the planet is only 6,000 years old. Even if — no! — especially if — their clinging to antiquated nonsense threatens the continued existence of our entire species.”

The president said Flat Earth Day will coincide with new educational initiatives that Secretary of Education DeVos has planned.

“Look, we’re already going to cut out most science from our textbooks,” Trump said, “you know, for budgetary reasons. Betsy showed me there’s a lot of money in cutting teaching staff. Do you know how much moola we can save by not having a single science teacher? Tons. That’s how much. Friggin’ tons.”

Mr. Trump said that Americans who are concerned with the environment “need to take a pill and relax.”

“Lets be real here folks,” Trump said, “the way I’m playing things out on the Korean peninsula, there might not be very many of us left to celebrate anything next year, and most the earth will probably be a molten heap of radioactive glass. So if you’re worried about the planet, you need to take a pill and relax. One way or another, I’ll make sure your concerns about the planet are unnecessary. And they’d be really unnecessary if there wasn’t a planet to worry about, so you’re welcome.”

Secretary DeVos could not be reached for comment. She was outside trying to communicate with Jesus through a cardboard paper towel tube wrapped in tinfoil, her husband told us.




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Betsy DeVos totally nails ‘The Real World: US Government’ casting interview





If you haven’t yet heard, the United States Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, had a great interview on 60 Minutes last weekend where she auditioned to be on the next season of MTV’s The Real World.

MTV’s show, The Real World, is the cult TV show where people stop being polite, and start being real.

Casting for this next season is still underway, as there are many openings left on the show.




For example, many cast members of The Real World: United States Government don’t yet have proper clearance to be on the show, but that doesn’t stop a lot of prospective cast members from just showing up for work anyway!

And with cast members like Rex Tillerson finding out he was kicked of the show just this morning by reading it on Twitter, we can expect a lot more casting calls to come.

What’s important about these interviews is to give producers interesting responses that they can turn into catchy soundbites for their show. So I think it’s great that DeVos had so much, or sometimes so little, to say when she was asked questions.

Let’s be honest, it’s not fair to expect her to know everything about everything. Sometimes it’s better to leave things unsaid, and DeVos knows it! Technically, saying nothing is still saying something!




Other fans of The Real World: United States Government expressed concern that DeVos showed up to the wrong casting call.

This is the type of buzz producers want to see, because it’ll generate more interest for their show. I can’t wait to see what happens next season.

Betsy, welcome to The Real World!