WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Donald Trump hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll and took the opportunity to shout “NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION!” in every child’s face in attendance. The life of a president, however, is full of events and ceremonies, and after the egg roll was complete, Trump and Education Secretary Betsy DeVos held a special signing event in the Oval Office.
“Today I’ve asked Betsy to join me in signing this special proclamation,” President Trump said as he swiped his giant orange crayon over a document in front of him on the Resolute Desk, “that today marks the very first Flat Earth Day. From now on, that’s what the day will be known as, and we will celebrate all the things we true, red-blooded, conservative American patriots know to be scientific fact.”
Trump said that the “point of Flat Earth day will be to own the libs” and “show how much it’s been proofen that global warming is a full-on Chinese hoax.”
“Betsy and I know the truth about climate change and about how round the planet is,” Trump said. “We know it’s flat. We know for this a bigly fact.”
The president told reporters that he “used” to think the planet was a globe shape, but then his “good friend and bridge troll Steve Bannon” taught him otherwise.
“Bannon reminded me that people like Obama and Crooked Hillary believe the planet is round,” Trump admitted. “And I’m sorry, but I haven’t listened to uppity urbans or intelligent women my whole life, and I don’t plan on doing it any time soon, fam.”
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As part of the Flat Earth Day celebration, Trump invited Dr. Professor David Avocado Wolfe to speak on chemtrails. He also invited Dr. Jenny McCarthy to speak about the dangers of vaccinating your children. When the signing ceremony was complete, Trump invited everyone in the Oval Office out to the Rose Garden.
“We’ve got a massive pile of coal with styrofoam kindling out there,” Trump said. “And we’re gonna light it all up.”
Before leaving the Oval Office to attend the coal lighting, President Trump pushed a button on the phone on his desk.
“Hi. Can you please bring me the Constitution from the national archives,” Trump asked. “If the Democrats aren’t going to use the power it gives them to impeach me, I might as well burn the damn thing.”
Secretary Devos announced that as part of the new Flat Earth Day proclamation, children will be given special lessons and participate in Flat Earth Day related events in school, to celebrate.
“On Flat Earth Day, children will explore why the planet is only 6,000 years old, why climate and whether are the exact same thing, literally, and why there was no collusion and no obstruction in the Mueller Report,” Devos told reporters.
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