WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Donald Trump ordered that Education Secretary Betsy DeVos be given a mandatory refresher course in geography and reading comprehension after a gaffe she made on a conservative talk radio show earlier this week.
Secretary DeVos was asked by Chap Chipperson on WKKK-AM 1488 about whether she had personally donated to any charities related to the “Notre Dame thing.”
Just days ago, the world was rocked with images a fire that broke out at the centuries-old church, watching as priceless artifacts and architecture went up in flames. DeVos told Chipperson she’d been briefed on the story by aides as she was going through a Taco Bell drive through, but she “understands the gist of it.”
Secretary DeVos said she was “completely upset” and “utterly devastated” by the news.
“It’s so horrible, just so very horrible. All those strapping young Danishes with their under-pouches lopped off like that? Just terrible,” DeVos told Chipperson. “Of course, I am completely upet by the news. I’m utterly devastated.”
Buy this shirt from our exclusive store!
DeVos plans to donate “a few thousand bucks” to charity efforts underway, she said.
“Of course I plan to give to the relief aid foundations on this one,” Devos said. “If I can afford to buy a cabinet position for myself, I can afford to donate a few thousand bucks to the poor Danishes who lost their teste toters.”
Chipperson seemed more than a little confused.
“Teste toters? Madam Secretary, are you sure that’s what you meant,” Chipperson asked.
“Fine, you want me to use the clinical term like a betasoyboy cuck, do you? Their dong hangers,” Devos said incredulously.
Before divulging how much she’d give to the cause, DeVos said what disturbed her most about the “French neutered Danes” was how many fewere “beuatiful, snow-white babies” would be born into the world.
“This is just such a crime against humanity, really Chip! It makes you almost questin what kind of God would take all those gorgeous, pure Danes and neuter them like that,” DeVos said. “How will they make all their perfect, beautiful, snow-white babies without their danglies?”
Chipperson again tried to set DeVos straight.
“Betsy, wait. Hang on. I don’t think we’re on the same page here,” Chipperson said.
DeVos cut him off.
“Just let me finish. I think, if you look at it a certain way, and I’m not even saying which way this is, I’m just saying,” DeVos started with gusto, “If the world needs anything it’s a lot more white people. Just in general. I know how that makes me sound, but just think about it. All the good people I know are white. Sure, all the people I know are white, but does that really mean I’m not right about the other thing I was just saying?”
When Secretary DeVos had finally run out of breath, Chipperson pounced.
“No! Betsy! Stop! I’m talking about the fire at the Notre Dame cathedral,” Chipperson shouted. “In Paris, France. You know, the big churchy thing. Sarah Huckabee Sanders grew up there? The Notre Dame fire.”
DeVos was quiet for a moment.
“Ohhhhh! The Notre Dame fire! Not neutred Danes,” DeVos said. “That’s different, then. Never mind.”
h/t Gilda Goddamned Genius Radner
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.