NASA confirms: In space, ‘reverse cowgirl’ and ‘doggystyle’ are the same thing

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – In a press conference today, administrators at NASA announced the much-anticipated results of recent research on the International Space Station into definitions of different sexual positions in space.

For decades, researchers pondered how humans will have sex in space, and what the future of sexting will be once humans are living for extended periods of time without gravity. To help investigate this, Congress allocated $5 million in the 2018 budget specifically for research into how humans will have sex in space.

“I spent a year on the thing, and you get lonely sometimes,” said astronaut Kelly Scott. “So I was excited to hear that we’d finally be getting some action!”

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The results of the study were published today in the journal Nature: Astronomy.

The astronauts started off simple with their experiment, with the basic “Missionary” sexual position. But it quickly became clear that the “basic” positions were a bit different while in space.

“It was hard to decide who was on top and who was on bottom” said Kelly. “Since there’s no gravity, there’s no up or down, which means it’s really a matter of interpretation. So we just called it ‘Schrodinger’s Missionary’ instead.”

The same issue came up when the astronauts went with more exotic positions, such as “doggystyle” and “reverse cowgirl.”

“It was hard to decide what was going on. I mean, I got behind her, but we couldn’t decide which position we were trying.”

The astronauts completed an exhaustive list of common and uncommon sexual positions, ranging from reverse cowgirl to the Panamanian Petting Zoo, all the way to the Alabama Hot Pocket. NASA insisted to that this was “important research,” adding that it was “groundbreaking.”

The International Space Station flies through space at a blistering pace of 17,000 miles per hour in order to stay in orbit just 200 miles above the Earth. On clear nights, you can see the station flying overhead.

Trump Orders NASA To Verify Planets Discovered By TESS Also Revolve Around Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, NASA teamed with Elon Musk’s SpaceX company and launched their TESS satellite into orbit on a Falcon 9 rocket.
TESS — short for Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite — is tasked with peering into and around stars that neighbor Earth’s sun in an attempt to discover new planets. Future missions could chart and explore the plants TESS locates.

“It’s going to more than double the number that have been seen and detected by Kepler,” George Ricker of MIT, who is heading up the team of TESS investigators.

This morning, an excited President Donald Trump seized on TESS’s launch as a means to bring the conversation back around to one of his most favorite subjects, himself.

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“Sure, new planets are great and all,” Trump told various members of the alt-right press, “but I like this planet, the one we live on now, the most because I know for a fact it revolves around me. I don’t know if these new ones will.”

Trump told those in earshot that fifteen years ago he paid 2.3 million dollars to conduct several experiments. Those experiments were aimed at proving Trump is the center of the universe, and that everything in it revolves around him. Trump was extremely pleased when the man he gave 2.3 million dollars to came back and told him that indeed the entire known universe revolved around him.

“Mommy always told me it was so,” Trump reportedly said, “but I never knew if I could believe her. Not that my mother ever lied about anything. Trumps don’t lie, ever. But these new planets this Theresa satellite is going to find, I don’t know that I like ’em. You know how it is when something new comes into your life like a new pair of shoes, or a refugee, whatever? You have to extremely vet them.”

President Trump got on the phone to “the head NASA nerds” as he told his secretary, and he ordered them to make sure any new planet that TESS finds also revolves around him.

“I need to know for cock-and-balls sure,” Trump told NASA., “These new planets are going to revolve around me too. You hear me? If they aren’t when you find ’em, you better make sure they do before you tell me about ’em!”

While he had them on the line, Trump also decided to task NASA with a few things he’d been meaning to call them about.I’ve been told my whole life then boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, and girls go to Mars to get more candy bars,” Trump said.

“I need to know if that’s true. It seems like we should do something about losing all our good young men to Jupiter’s stupider-fication program, don’t you think?”

A spokesperson from NASA said that they aren’t “entirely sure that the president understands anything even remotely related to science” but that they’d probably end up doing what Trump asked of them because “that’s how our government works.”

This is a developing story.

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Two feet of snow makes New Yorker excited about climate change

NEW YORK, NY – Following two Nor’easters in as many weeks, lifelong New York City resident Jack King is excited about recent news from NASA that the Earth will soon warm to the point that carbon dioxide trapped in permafrost will be released, further accelerating climate change.

“You know, I never really thought about global warming all that much. I mean, what can I do about it anyway? I’m just one guy and I’m super busy all the time. Plus, it’s been snowing a lot lately, so that means it’s clearly not getting warmer. But this news from NASA has me excited because I really hate snow. And since we just got two feet here, bring on the warming!” said King.

Other residents were not as excited.

“Just think about what will happen when these feet melt” said Andrea Coulter. “All that water has to go somewhere!”

Some had hygiene concerns for the feet.

“Where did these come from? How do we know that the snow is organic? What kinds of toxins are inside them?” said Dixie Worden.