4 Out of 5 Geologists Agree You Are Probably A Seismic Douche

A recent study of geologists from 42 different countries has revealed something quite remarkable — most of them think you’re probably a douche. In fact, 80% of respondents to the University of Green River in Holy Oak, Virginia’s study of the world’s geologists not only said you’re probably a douche, but a “seismic douche” at that.

“It is unmistakable after you parse the data,” Dr. Carla Karloff of the university’s geology department told us. “By and large, most people in the geological field think that you’re a douchebag large enough to be measured on the Richter scale.”

Geologists pointed to the “overabundance of overly eagerly shared opinions on everything from candy to politics” as the top reason that you’re probably a monumental, literally earth moving douchebag, Dr. Karloff said.

“It’s really quite conclusive, when you look at the results,” Dr. Karloff said. “There are so many people with so many garbage opinions that they just can’t wait to share with the world, and social media has only made it worse.”

Karloff tried her best to quantify the planet’s current level of doucheyness and douchetastic doucheocity.

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“It’s estimated that the collective douchebaggery of the species would have enough tectonic heft to break the seven continents up into sixty-two smaller land masses,” Karloff explained, if it were measured like an earthquake.”

Dr. Karloff says that while the results of the study might be hard to swallow for a lot of people, there’s hope for humanity yet.

“The good news is that people could always just shut the fuck up, and they’d greatly reduce their chances of being measured as a douche, seismic or not,” Dr. Karloff said. “You’d be surprised how very few people would think you’re a douche if you kept your mouth shut, Billy.”

The results of the study will be published in the Newish England Journal of Sciencetastic Scientism this summer.

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Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.