NEW CATFORD, NEW YORK — Mr. Whisker Bottoms is a Feline-American. He is currently residing in the same home with the same family he’s been in since he was adopted as a rescue kitten in 2007.
Whisker Bottoms describes himself as a “social progressive” and “fiscal moderate” and he really enjoys discussing and reading about politics, especially when Mr. Gibson, who is the patriarchal head of the house Whisker Bottoms lives in, lines his litter box with the politics sections of various newspapers. Whisker Bottoms has been a lifelong resident of the state of New York, and he is “dead convinced” in his own words that Donald Trump is a terrible president, and that as a domesticated cat, Mr. Whisker Bottoms himself would be a better Commander In Chief than Trump could ever hope to be.
“I’m pretty sure I — a goddamned cat with all my feline proclivities to prefer tonguing my own balls to doing anything even remotely definable as work — would be a better president than Donald Trump,” Mr. Whisker Bottoms told us. “You know, it’s funny. Conservatives can’t shut up about how many golf games Obama played, but when they elect a trust fund baby that has tanked more businesses than I’ve coughed-up furballs, and that tubby sack of racist stupidity and he spends way, way more time on golf course he owns, charging the U.S. taxpayer all along the way, they don’t bat an eyelash? That makes my already puckered asshole pucker even more!”
Whisker Bottoms told us that “Trump doesn’t know a day of hard work if it punched him in his smug mouth.” He points to things like Trump wanting to ban all Muslim immigrants from entering the country as proof of the bewigged reality TV star’s incompetence and “frightening ability to dabble in fascism.”
“I mean, doesn’t this guy Google anything? This is literally the most egregious and patently obvious violation of the First Amendment we’ve seen proposed in quite some time,” Whisker Bottoms said. “All this stuff does is perpetuate good old fashioned American xenophobia.”
Whisker Bottoms told us that even though Trump is “dumber than a box of dildos” that “he still has a great shot to win re-election because Republicans have been told for decades by the likes of Rush Limbaugh that higher education is for snooty liberal elitists.” The Feline American told our reporter that Trump’s comments on everything from abortion to immigration to climate change show “an alarming, nonchalance for science in general.”
“I’ve buried stuff in my litter box that smelled better and was smarter than Donald Trump.” — Mr. Whisker Bottoms
“I just don’t get it,” Whisker Bottoms said, “why do these people think shunning intelligence and academic study is a good thing? I mean I get it. Not everyone should have to have a super-expensive degree to earn a living. Not everyone should have to go into crazy amounts of debt to contribute to society. But why in the hell are they so afraid of their sons and daughters learning things in an environment that doesn’t force them to accept what they were told as dogma? Oh wait, I know, because everyone wants to train up sycophants to take over instead of teaching people how to move society forward thanks to learning and shit.”
Whisker Bottoms seems resigned to the fact that Trump still has a very energetic and loyal base, despite two years of report after report of his administration’s “malfeasance, crimes, and corruption.”
“Well, I say go ahead and vote for Trump if you want. Ignore the Mueller Report, ignore the fact that Trump’s trade war is wiping out any gains his tax cut might have brought. Go ahead and vote for the guy who will do to our national economy what he did to at least for of his bankrupted businesses,” Whiskey Bottoms said. “Vote for the guy who thinks the First Amendment is a suggestion. Vote for the guy that says all the dumb stuff he thinks will get all the scaredy cats out there to vote for him. But don’t come bitching to those of us who saw through his charade when it all falls apart and he doesn’t deliver on the culture war shit he swore he would.”
“We get the country we deserve, after all,” and with that Mr. Whisker Bottoms trundled off to nap at the foot of a bed for 10 hours, after which he licked his own genitalia for two hours and then went back to sleep.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”