VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Though he didn’t give his Independence Day speech until hours later after the initial shockwaves subsided, President Donald Trump triggered an earthquake in California yesterday when God applauded him earlier in the day.
At least that’s what televangelist Pat Robertson believes. Rev. Robertson told listeners of his Friday podcast series that the massive 6.6 magnitude earthquake centered around Ridgecrest, California yesterday was the result of God giving Trump “thunderous, holy applause” for putting on a 4th of July military parade. Though many had criticized the festivities as those of third world, tinhorn authoritarian dictators, Robertson said “God clearly is on Team Trump.”
“God likes pomp! God likes pageantry! If you think about it, God probably empathizes with President Trump,” Robertson told his audience. “Because they both like to make big, bombastic threats and rule with fear. At least in the Old Testament God’s that way. We also know flat out that God is a big American patriot, so of course he’d cheer and applaud Trump’s America parade!”
Robertson says that in the past he might have felt that God was somehow punishing Californians with the earthquake. But he’s had a “change of heart” and has decided that God’s “over” hurting people with natural disasters.
“God told me that the whole flood thing really messed him up for awhile, but now he’s got his head on straight and won’t be mass murdering humanity anymore,” Robertson explained. “Which leaves me scrambling for ways to tie progressive policies to Hell and damnation, but I’ll figure that out, folks. In the meantime, let’s all marvel at the wonder of God’s applause!”
For his part, however, Larry “God” Shumway says he is not connected to the Ridgecrest quake “in the slightest.” Speaking to heavenly reporters from the afterlife, God reminded earthlings that he doesn’t get involved in “the politics of mortals.” However, he also told those who have reservations in his eternal timeshare to “think about” whether he’d actually cheer Trump.
“My son told everyone to treat foreigners with respect and love, and he loved the little children,” God said. “Does that sound even remotely Trumpian to you? Pat’s an okay guy, I guess, but he’s clearly not playing with a full hymnal.”
The Trump administration issued a statement agreeing with Robertson’s assessment.
“Clearly Rev. Robertson is right on the money, and God was just as excited by Dear President’s military parade as all Americans were required by law to be,” the White House press release states. :”The president is honored that someone almost as important as he is clapped for him, and hopes that God remembers not to be a cuck in the future.”
Another Story: Pat Robertson Warns: God Will Send Hurricanes to All 50 States If ‘Gays Keep Getting Married’
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”