A couple weeks back, we published an article that contained six of the most important and dangerous warning signs that you may have windmill cancer. This very real, extremely non-fictional disease claims the lives of so many people each year, we’ve officially lost count. We left off somewhere around 1.
The point is that windmill cancer is horrific, and it must be stopped at all costs. That is why our Dear President is so right to fight for keeping coal plants firing, instead of backing the production of renewable, or “green” energy sources such as windmills. It’s absolutely imperative that we not allow our desire to keep our species alive get in the way of the almighty free market, which is protecting us from the nightmare of windmill cancer.
Recently, though, chatter has picked up in certain circles on the Internet that Big Blow, the corporate behemoths behind all the windmill production in the world, are hiding something from us, and what they’re hiding will make you so mad you might wanna punch something, so here’s your advanced trigger warning. Ready?
We have now reason to believe that Big Blow is hiding the cure for windmill cancer. But why would they do this? Wouldn’t curing everyone’s windmill cancer make it easier for them to build their windmills, thereby exploding their profits?
Well, that kind of thinking is critical thinking, and critical thinking is un-sciencetastic and probably illegal now. Besides, since when do conspiracy theories have to be rooted in 100% truth? Also, a reddit user by the name of “AllHailTheDonald69” uploaded a document they “swear to God” is real, and it purports to be an internal memo from the International Windmill Manufacturer Association.
In the document, we learn that Big Blow has indeed found a cure for windmill cancer, but for various reasons they wish to hide it from the public. We have made the editorial decision to reprint the five most earth shattering reasons they’re keeping us from this miracle cure, and here they are now, in trusted list form.
5 Reasons Big Blow is Hiding the Windmill Cancer Cure From Us
1. They Can Make More Money By Letting More People Get Windmill Cancer First
This is Capitalism 101, folks. If you have something people want, you need to make them want it more. What better way to maximize profits on the windmill cancer cure than to get as many people inflicted with it as they can first? Once there are enough people in the world with windmill cancer, Big Blow can roll out the cure and make money not only the cause — windmills — but on the cure! Fiendish, indeed!
2. Sean Connery Accidentally Lost It
In one of the most shocking twists in this story, it turns out that years ago, actor Sean Connery actually had the cure for windmill cancer. However, he lost it, and he was not very happy about it at all. Believe it or not, we scoured the Internet and found a video clip of Connery admitting that he lost his windmill cancer cure. It’s older footage, so it’s a bit grainy, but the details are confirmed.
3. Windmill Cancer is Deadly, But Silent
Sure, you can smell windmill cancer. It’s hard to mistake. It’s got a kind of eggy, musty, organically decomposed smell to it. But the problem is that you might not smell the windmill cancer until it’s too late. That’s because as deadly as windmill cancer is, it’s often almost completely noiseless. This makes detecting it early enough to make the cure usable extremely difficult, and Big Blow doesn’t want to be embarassed by rolling out a cure for a disease they can’t even detect yet.
Nice to know PR is more important to Big Blow than our lives, eh fam?
4. The Cure is Suing Them For Copyright Infringment
Iconic new wave/goth/pop rock band The Cure is apparently in the middle of a very contentious set of litigation against Big Blow. At the heart of the matter is whether the IWMA can call their cure “The Cure” for Windmill cancer, because “The Cure” is a regestered trademark of the band. All Big Blow would have to do is pony up a few dozen million dollars and the band has said they’d strike a deal, but thus far, the nefarious corporate monsters have decided not to negotiate with The Cure, so their cure remains hidden away from those who need it most.
5. They Haven’t Found the First Windmill Cancer Patient Yet
The thing is, they’re still waiting to find Patient Zero. A cure has been confidently found, for sure, but there’s simply no one who has come looking for it yet. Which is weird, because for sure, like, tons of people have it, or will have it, or whatever. But we’re sure that once the very first totally confirmed windmill cancer patient crops up, Big Blow will find another reason to hide this life changing miracle cure from us.
Do you have any theories as to why the windmill cancer cure is being kept from humanity? Drop us a line, and we’ll reprint your conspiracy theory as complete fact!
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.