White House To Push For Bill Outlawing Abortion After Point Of Erection

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  At a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital today, the country’s vice president and official high religious inquisitor told attendees that he and President Donald J. Trump have been working on a new law they intend to present to congress for debate.

Under the close, watchful eye of Vice President High Priest Mike Pence, the White House will double-down on its anti-abortion agenda and propose a law that would outlaw abortion after a man gets an erection. Hopefully, the vice president said, it is passed into law “sooner rather than later.”

On Friday, Trump administration officials announced they would re-institute the “Global Gag Order,” a policy created by President Ronald Reagan in 1988. It prevents medical institutions all around the world from getting federal taxpayer dollars if they perform abortion services, or even provide information about abortions to patients.

Opponents of the rule, which was challenged in court by Planned Parenthood back when Reagan first instituted it (President Clinton later completely rescinded the order), say that it could block women from getting any reproductive care at all.

However, the Trump administration isn’t nearly done addressing abortion.

Later this year, the White House will present the Stiff Commitment To Life Act to Congress. If passed, the law would make it illegal for an abortion to be performed after a man gets an erection. Proponents of the law say it will be the most decisive move to protect unborn life ever made, and opponents have called the law “redicu-stupid-dumb-as-fuck,” as one Democratic aide told us in confidence.

“It’s not enough to keep women from exercising the same sexual and reproductive autonomy men have,” Pence said, “and it’s not enough to cut funding for things that actually prevent pregnancies and therefore the need for abortions in the first place. We must pass a law that under no uncertain terms protects unborn life, but also preconceived or even un-conceived life as well.”

Father Pence says the law is aimed at “protecting life as early as possible.”

“Some say you have to protect it at conception, where life starts,” Pence said. “But I believe you have to go back to before the beginning. I suggested making abortion illegal once the testes produce sperm, but I was outvoted on that one.”

“I have long believed that erections, boners as they’re known to savages to heathens, are like rock hard, blood filled conduits right to God,” Pence said at the prayer breakfast. “God can speak through and with your penis, men, and when he speaketh, you should listen.”

Mr. Pence told the congregants of the church the breakfast was held at that he believes “deep, deep down inside” himself that stopping abortion in America is “literally the only job” he should be doing.

“There are no other important issues in this country right now. Not the economy, not whether our government is run by corrupt puppets of a fascist foreign regime,” Pence said. “Just abortion.”

Vice President Pence acknowledged that enforcement of the law could be “sticky” and that there are “all kinds of gray areas that will have to be explored.”

“I know not every boner leads to sex, much less a baby,” Pence said. “Heck, I know that because every time I watch college wrestling I get a No Point Boner — mother and I call my erections we can’t make babies with No Point Boners — and so we can’t go around throwing people in jail because they get a COMPLETELY UNEXPLAINED ERECTION watching wrestling. But we’ll figure it out.”

Pastor Pence is committed, he said, to enforcing the law by himself if he must.

“If I’m the only one who has the guts to personally inspect every young man’s heaving, bulging crotch to make sure any erections they get don’t lead to abortions,” Pence said, “then that is exactly what I can and will do.  Life is too precious for me to not start looking at and copping feels on all the junk…mmm…allllllll the junk.”

This is a developing story.

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Betsy DeVos Wants Congressional Library Renamed “Lieberry Of Congress”

This story first ran on The Political Garbage Chute.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos has reportedly decided to petition Congress and ask that the Library of Congress be officially re-christened to something she said “will look and feel familiar to Trump’s America.” According to papers leaked from the DOE, DeVos intends to ask Congress to rename its seminal collection of written and recorded works “The Lieberry of Congress.”

“We know it’s not under the purview of the Department of Educationizing to name official government buildings,” Secretary DeVos admitted to the press at an early morning prayer breakfast she was holding inside a public school cafeteria during school hours, “but we thought it would just help all Americans if their institutions reflected the level of education everyone is going to receive going forward, and that goes for all aspects of said institution.”

During her tenure as the country’s top enforcer of federal education guidelines, Ms. DeVos said parents of American students should “brace themselves for fun and exciting changes.” One of those changes is the DOE asking Congress to make this proposed change, which DeVos claims will “tie in perfectly” to the overall agenda of the Trump administration.

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“Well, for starters it’ll now have the word ‘lie’ in it,” DeVos stated, “which if you’ve been paying attention to us Trumpers for the first couple weeks you’d know is gonna be a big thing for us, you betcha.”

There will be other changes that DeVos’ education department seeks to make within schools themselves. Secretary DeVos says she’ll have the Department of Education frame and mount each educational proclamation she makes to every school’s outside walls. That way, she says, everyone will see the new rules and have no excuse but to follow them.

Ms. DeVos says that among the changes coming, will be “getting God back into our classrooms where he belongs.”

“I’d also really love to see all the books removed unless they were written by, for, or about God or Jesus Christ,” DeVos said, “our lord and savior, amen.”

No one from the Library of Congress could be reached for comment.”

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Local man is outraged over opinion of black man on the internet

LEXINGTON, KY – A local man is in a tizzy about a black man sharing his opinion on Twitter.

Famed philosopher and freethinker Kanye West recently took to Twitter to share his support of Donald Trump.

A local resident had the following to say about the tweet.

“Ya know, I just don’t get it. He’s black, after all. That means he’s supposed to hate anyone who’s a republican. I don’t get it! I better post about this endlessly on social media so other people know how good of a person I am for trying to tell this black man what to say and think,” said Richard Head.

“I’m just so angry,” added Dick.

Later, Mr. West posted this image of himself sporting a “Make America Great Again” hat.

Twitter was furious. After all, how can a man who is famous for making music possibly have not-so-great political opinions?

The pushback has been severe. Staff at Alternative-Science.com is uncertain for what the future holds for Mr. West. However, with any luck, something else will happen within 24-48 hours that will cause people to feel outraged again, so they’ll move on to the next thing that the media tells them to be upset about.

Trump Orders NASA To Verify Planets Discovered By TESS Also Revolve Around Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, NASA teamed with Elon Musk’s SpaceX company and launched their TESS satellite into orbit on a Falcon 9 rocket.
TESS — short for Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite — is tasked with peering into and around stars that neighbor Earth’s sun in an attempt to discover new planets. Future missions could chart and explore the plants TESS locates.

“It’s going to more than double the number that have been seen and detected by Kepler,” George Ricker of MIT, who is heading up the team of TESS investigators.

This morning, an excited President Donald Trump seized on TESS’s launch as a means to bring the conversation back around to one of his most favorite subjects, himself.

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“Sure, new planets are great and all,” Trump told various members of the alt-right press, “but I like this planet, the one we live on now, the most because I know for a fact it revolves around me. I don’t know if these new ones will.”

Trump told those in earshot that fifteen years ago he paid 2.3 million dollars to conduct several experiments. Those experiments were aimed at proving Trump is the center of the universe, and that everything in it revolves around him. Trump was extremely pleased when the man he gave 2.3 million dollars to came back and told him that indeed the entire known universe revolved around him.

“Mommy always told me it was so,” Trump reportedly said, “but I never knew if I could believe her. Not that my mother ever lied about anything. Trumps don’t lie, ever. But these new planets this Theresa satellite is going to find, I don’t know that I like ’em. You know how it is when something new comes into your life like a new pair of shoes, or a refugee, whatever? You have to extremely vet them.”

President Trump got on the phone to “the head NASA nerds” as he told his secretary, and he ordered them to make sure any new planet that TESS finds also revolves around him.

“I need to know for cock-and-balls sure,” Trump told NASA., “These new planets are going to revolve around me too. You hear me? If they aren’t when you find ’em, you better make sure they do before you tell me about ’em!”

While he had them on the line, Trump also decided to task NASA with a few things he’d been meaning to call them about.I’ve been told my whole life then boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, and girls go to Mars to get more candy bars,” Trump said.

“I need to know if that’s true. It seems like we should do something about losing all our good young men to Jupiter’s stupider-fication program, don’t you think?”

A spokesperson from NASA said that they aren’t “entirely sure that the president understands anything even remotely related to science” but that they’d probably end up doing what Trump asked of them because “that’s how our government works.”

This is a developing story.

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Betsy DeVos Orders Immediate Flattening Of All School Globes

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This weekend, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos issued an order that all globes being used in any American school are to be “flattened like God made it just 6,000 years ago.”

DeVos was confirmed in the Senate 51-50, with the deciding vote being cast by Vice President and 2015 winner of the Lantern Jawed Bigot of the Year Award from Christofascists Weekly Mike Pence. When Pence broke the tie, it was the first time since 2008 that a Senate vote had to be broken in such a way. Perhaps most notably, this was the first time in our nation’s 240 year history that a cabinet member had to be confirmed in such a way.

“Sure, I was literally dragged across the finish line by Vice President pence,” DeVos said in an email to the DOE staffers directing the globe flattening edict, “but elections have consequences. Apparently so does giving hundreds of millions of dollars to campaigns.”

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Ms. DeVos’ order says she plans on putting the “pro back in quid pro quo.”

“I’m going to make sure I leverage this opportunity the right way, like a professional grifter should,” DeVos’ email says, “and that means I’ll be putting the pro back in quid pro quo, that’s for darn sure.”

Flattening globes in classrooms all across the country will help in “a myriad of ways,” DeVos said.

“Jobs will be created, firstly,” DeVos said, “when we hire the flattening teams. Also, our children will be finally seeing the world how our one, true, American Christian God — all rights reserved, trademark Trump Presidency, Inc. — meant it to be when he created it all, literally every single, living and non-living thing, in six days.”

Previewing some other plans she has for the Department of Education, Ms. DeVos told reporters she was “extremely pleased” that the millions of dollars given to Republican candidates over the years was “money well spent.”

“It’s like when you go to the store and you pick out the perfect Bible,” DeVos said, “and you know it’ll make the best science textbook ever. That’s how it feels, knowing it was money well spent giving shit loads of cash to Republicans for decades. We’re extremely pleased in this family right now. We got the best government position our money could by. Just like the Constitution says it should work!”

Reached for comment, Delores Umbridge told the media that she was “quite proud” of her friend Betsy. Umbridge said that DeVos taught her everything she knows about “being a boot licking tool of a vile, dark force” and she had every confidence DeVos would “absolutely nail it.”

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Dr. Jenny McCarthy Hired As White House Special Counsel On Alternative Medicine

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced a new hiring today. Trump told reporters outside the White House that he was bringing on Dr. Jenny McCarthy, the highly-touted medical expert, model, and actress who came to prevalence in the 1990’s as his “Special Counsel on Alternative Medicine.”

“I needed someone with experience in alternative medicine,” Trump told the press, “and Dr. McCarthy’s work on autism and its obvious causes is truly groundbreaking stuff. Hardly anyone knows as much about peddling alternative facts as Dr. McCarthy does. Really proud to have her on the team, that’s for sure.”

Trump said that while McCarthy’s “clear and undeniable intellectual acumen” and “indisputable bonafides in the fields of science and medicine” were what initially made him consider her for the role, but after a private meeting with her, he was even more convinced.

“She’s extremely nice on the eyes, I’ll say that,” Trump said, “and we can’t have too many hot pieces of ass on this team. I mean, is she ever going to take my Ivanka’s place? Of course not. But she’s really a great catch both intellectually and aesthetically.”

Though Dr. McCarthy came into the public eye for other reasons, she has become known as one of the country’s foremost resources of solid, reliable alternative science, medicine, and facts. McCarthy has long insisted there was a connection between vaccinations and autism, and she proved that connection in 2010 definitively using alternative experiments that were alternatively peer-reviewed. McCarthy was drawn to the vaccination and autism topic because her son is on the autism spectrum.

“Dr. McCarthy will play a vital role in the Trump administration,” top Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway said, “and she’ll help direct our efforts in making sure all the alternative facts about vaccination and autism get to the public. We need people making alternatively informed decisions for themselves. Also, there’s totally a Loch Ness monster and farting cures cancer.”

President Trump signaled that more hiring may be done in the coming weeks. He said that he’s looking to fill a number of roles that “require an alternative view of the world” and that he’d make more announcements on those staffing decisions as they were made.

“It’s going to be a brand new, exciting era for all of us,” Trump told the press, “and it’ll be a time where everything you’ve learned you will unlearn and then learn again in a new, different, perhaps wrong, but most definitely different, or alternative way.”

Dr. McCarthy issued a short statement saying she was “totes stoked” on the opportunity to serve the country.

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David “Avocado” Wolfe Named FDA High Wizard Chieftain Of Raw Foods And Woo

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump isn’t quite done filling important jobs at the federal level.

This morning Trump announced that he has directed the Food and Drug Administration to create a new, special post and he intends to fill it with nutritionist David “Avocado” Wolfe. Trump has cozied up to people with non-traditional views of medicine in the past, seeming to endorse an anti-vaccine message at points. The president said it is in that same spirit that Mr. Avocado’s name first came up for this new position.

“Today, I’m directing the FDA to create the post of High Wizard Chieftan of Raw Foods and Woo,” Trump said proudly, “and none other than the most famous, most brilliant, most scientifically literate mind of our times will be filling it — Mr. David ‘Avocado’ Wolfe.”

Wolfe, whose Facebook posts and memes are popular among those who look for all-natural, homeopathic remedies for things that western medicine have developed reliable treatments for, has said that he is “honored and delighted” to be given this opportunity. He said that he hopes to bring an “all-natural, GMO and chemical free” approach to the job, and that his first mission will be to get everyone at the FDA eating only organic plankton and non-processed kale.

“That will activate everyone’s power zones, which of course are a totally real, medical thing,” Wolfe explained, “and that will let us take a much cleaner, safer, all-natural approach to food and drug regulation.”

Mr. Wolfe indicated that he’d like to see some changes implemented in terms of how new drugs are tested and put onto the market.

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“Namely,” Wolfe said, “I’d like to stop putting new drugs on the market and instead replace them with various hemp seed oils, leafy greens, and plenty of Vitamin D. Also, maybe just juice cleanses. Has anyone thought of giving cancer patients a juice cleanse? I bet we could do a lot of good if we stop with all the chemical medicines and get back to nature’s way of having us die of natural causes at 28.”

Chocolate will be immediately approved to treat rabies, Wolfe said, as it is an “octave of sun energy” in his view. He will also help fast track the use of crystals instead of Tylenol or ibuprofen for treatment of pain. Mr. Avocado says that he also plans to have the traditional five food groups updated to, “Powerful, Wootastic, Cleansing, Healing, and SuperDuper.”

“I will not rest until we have pseudo-scientifically proven that drinking bark root and doing  rain dance every day will keep cancer and AIDS from spreading,” Wolfe said, “and this is an opportunity we cannot waste to do just exactly that. Namaste.”

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Trump Announces U.S. Will Celebrate Flat Earth Day Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning as he was heading out to a Dunkin’ Donuts near the White House for his “pre-golf fuel up,” as he’d later call it, President Donald Trump announced that the United States will officially pull out of global Earth Day celebrations. Instead, the United States government will recognize the same day, but for a different reason.

“While everyone else is celebrating Earth Day,” Trump told reporters, “we’re going to celebrate Flat Earth Day instead. Betsy DeVos came up with the idea, and I happen to think it’s really quite tremendous.”

Promising that it will highlight the “best in ancient science and outdated belief systems,” Trump says that Flat Earth Day will be a “celebration of ignoring all the progress of the 20th and 21st centuries.”

“We did some bigly great things the last hundred and fifty years,” Trump said, “and all those things bring us closer to the Devil as well as make America worse. Sure, we didn’t walk on the moon until we could afford to pay for it using tax dollars raised from a system of economics that taxed the rich more, but fairly. Wait, what was I saying?”

Trump was reminded by the reporter from Breitbart that he was discussing Flat Earth Day.

“Oh right, that,” Trump continued, “yoogely important to celebrate Flat Earth Day. For far too long we’ve let people use science to walk all over fundamentalists, and that has to stop. We have to give equal weight to the people’s beliefs that state the planet is only 6,000 years old. Even if — no! — especially if — their clinging to antiquated nonsense threatens the continued existence of our entire species.”

The president said Flat Earth Day will coincide with new educational initiatives that Secretary of Education DeVos has planned.

“Look, we’re already going to cut out most science from our textbooks,” Trump said, “you know, for budgetary reasons. Betsy showed me there’s a lot of money in cutting teaching staff. Do you know how much moola we can save by not having a single science teacher? Tons. That’s how much. Friggin’ tons.”

Mr. Trump said that Americans who are concerned with the environment “need to take a pill and relax.”

“Lets be real here folks,” Trump said, “the way I’m playing things out on the Korean peninsula, there might not be very many of us left to celebrate anything next year, and most the earth will probably be a molten heap of radioactive glass. So if you’re worried about the planet, you need to take a pill and relax. One way or another, I’ll make sure your concerns about the planet are unnecessary. And they’d be really unnecessary if there wasn’t a planet to worry about, so you’re welcome.”

Secretary DeVos could not be reached for comment. She was outside trying to communicate with Jesus through a cardboard paper towel tube wrapped in tinfoil, her husband told us.

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Trump administration gives bailout to Toys ‘R’ Us, stopping chain’s closure

WASHINGTON, DC – In a precedented move, Donald Trump and his administration have given a bailout to Toys ‘R’ Us, shortly after the popular toy company announced it would be closing all of its stores nationwide.

“ALL TOYS MATTER!,” shouted his supporters at a rally for the toy chain.

The announcement from Toys ‘R’ Us, was curious, following a Trump tweet about a positive jobs report from Toys ‘R’ Us, last fall.

Of course, this didn’t stop him from defending himself from his critics following the decision:

Just like the banks who sold predatory loans that they knew customers couldn’t afford in the early 2000s, Trump believes that Toys ‘R’ Us, is “too big to fail.”

Later, Trump told reporters more about his controversial decision to bail out the fallen toy giant.

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“I look at all the toys they have in there. Have you ever been in one of their stores? They’re big. And I mean really big. They’re huge! And they have anything you could possibly want as a kid. They have bikes to trains to video games. It’s the biggest toy store there is! They’re part of the very fabric of American culture, and we simply can’t afford to lose them in a time like this.”

In a private dinner among friends last night, Trump went into more detail about the decision.

“We have illegal toys flooding in through our borders and from China. It’s ridiculous. We have a huge trade deficit with Canada on toys, too. I guess I don’t know if the statement about the trade deficit with Canada is true or not, but get this – I said it to Trudeau’s face and he didn’t immediately call me out on it. I mean, I don’t know if it’s true, I’m told it might not be, we’ll have to take a look at the numbers again and see, but what’s important is that it feels like it’s true, and if something feels true, I dare question if that doesn’t make it true. Isn’t truth relative?”