Windmill cancer, or wind cancer as it’s also referred to, is a very real, very serious, very deadly disease. Caused by the noise from wind turbines producing so-called “clean” or “renewable” energy, windmill cancer is so serious a threat to mankind that the President of the United States recently announced he would require his replacement for Obamacare to cover all costs associated with the pernicious disease.
With all the renewed focus on windmill cancer, we noticed that no outlet has published a guide to help readers determine if they should have their doctor screen them for windmill cancer. As deadly and very real as windmill cancer is, the simple truth is that not enough facts about its symptoms have been disseminated among the public. In an effort to help increase awareness of the signs you or a loved one might have windmill cancer, Alternative Science convened a panel of some of the foremost leading names in windmill cancer research, and they provided us with a list of six signs everyone should look for that could be indicators of a windmill cancer diagnosis.
1. You Inhale and Exhale Without Any Conscious Thought
Do you find yourself breathing in an out without having to think about it? Maybe you’ve considered that to be a lucky thing, that we don’t have to tell our bodies to breathe, and they just do it for us. However, it might come as quite an alarming shock to find out that 100% of the people who have been later diagnosed with windmill cancer have been auto-breathers as well. If you breathe all on your own, your risk for windmill cancer is astronomically higher, and you should book an appointment at the Trump University Windmill Cancer Research School immediately. They’re the only ones equipped with the tools and know-how necessary to properly diagnose you.
2. You Have a Heightened Sense of Hearing When Near Loud Noises
Stroke victims have often said they have strong smell sensations. Some report that they smell almonds, others say it’s a freshly cut grass smell. Similarly, when windmill cancer sets in, it can have an enormous impact on your sense of hearing. Those who have been diagnosed with windmill cancer, no matter the stage, all reported that they experienced a significant increase in hearing sensation when near loud noises such as jack hammers, gun shots, or rock and roll concerts. If you experience a sudden increase in hearing when near loud noises, you should call your doctor immediately.
3. Inability to Rhyme With “Orange”
The ability to rhyme is essential to human existence. Doctors speculate that before rhyming was invented, the average human being died at the age of 15. It should come as no surprise, then, that there is a strong link between the ability to rhyme and windmill cancer. 100% of those afflicted with stage 3 or later windmill cancer given a rhyming test were unable to come up with an English word that would rhyme with “orange.” Though valiant efforts of “bore-ange” and “more-ange” were attempted, everyone who would later die from their windmill cancer’s complications were completely unable to successfully rhyme with “orange.”
4. Extreme Sensitivity to Temperatures Above 180°F
If you’re someone who enjoys warmer climates, or the summer months, brace yourself. As it turns out, people with windmill cancer have a much higher intolerance for higher temperatures. In fact, every single patient who has been diagnosed with windmill cancer reported excruciating pain and an intense, burning sensation when subjected to temperatures above 180°F.
5. Lots and Lots of Farting
Hey, we all toot. We all pass a little gas. At least once or twice a day, we all let out a squeaking nut bug. All of us fart. But what happens when you fart, like, a lot? And how much is a lot? Well, windmill cancer researchers believe they may have found a correlation between the disease and how many times you drop a boofy surprise. Dr. Henry Jones Jr. of the Windmill Cancer Institute told us that if you find yourself farting more than four times in a day, there is a “pretty good chance” you “could possibly, maybe, at some point in your life perhaps” be diagnosed with windmill cancer. All the more reason to lay off the beans and broccoli, and eat only bacon and compressed chicken fat sandwiches, Dr. Jones says.
6. Your Doctor Tells You That You Have It
An astounding 100% of people diagnosed with windmill cancer were given that diagnosis by a doctor. This makes the top risk factor for windmill cancer being told you have windmill cancer by your doctor. If your doctor tells you that you have windmill cancer, there’s a pretty good chance you’ve got windmill cancer, and you should definitely seek the advice of medical professionals, who will of course tell you that you have windmill cancer, prompting you to see, perhaps, another team of medical professionals who will tell you that you have windmill cancer, which means…
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.