Yesterday, the world got its first taste of the long-awaited Mueller Report. While legal scholars and political pundits wrangle and wrestle over what the report contains, and what those contents mean, there’s one interesting tidbit that came out of the report’s release. We learned that the president’s oldest son, the one that looks like he’s constantly taking a load of some kind to the face that he wasn’t expecting, Donald Trump Jr., probably broke the law, but in the eyes of Robert Mueller and his investigators, was essentially too stupid to know what he was doing was wrong.
On page 185 of the Mueller report, the special counsel remarks that the infamous 2016 Trump Tower meeting could have been a violation of laws barring campaign contributions by foreign nationals. Specifically, the report argues that the promise of damaging information on Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton from Russian nationals could have constituted “an express or implied promise to make a [foreign-source] contribution” to the Trump campaign. (Raw Story)
Trump Jr., perhaps because his reading comprehension has been estimated by experts to sit somewhere between a three year old chimpanzee and a box of rocks, tweeted vindication when the report was released. However, his tweet is currently being “ratio’d,” which means it’s being mocked in the comments far more than it’s being retweeted or liked, and in 2019 we have to actually care about dumb stuff like that, apparently.
— Donald Trump Jr. (@DonaldJTrumpJr) April 18, 2019
Here at Alternative Science, this story got us to thinking — if Donald Trump Jr. sets the low bar for having the requisite intelligence to indict, are there any inanimate objects out there that get over that bar? We were not surprised to find out that literally almost every single inanimate object is smarter than Donald Trump Jr., but here now are six of our favorites, and one picture of the World’s Dumbest Non-Indicted Criminal.
6 Inanimate Objects Smart Enough to Know They’re Breaking the Law
1. A Hammer
This isn’t a special hammer. It’s not some magical hammer with the gift of speech and sentient thought. It’s just a plain ol’, hit stuff with it hammer. And yet, if it tried to obtain stolen emails from Russian operatives, it’s smart enough to be held accountable for that, unlike Donald Trump Jr., who is verifiably stupider than this hammer.
2. A Ballpoint Pen
There is literally nothing special about this pen. It just writes whatever you want it to. So, in that regard it’s very much so like Attorney General William Barr. However, unlike Donald Trump Jr., if this ballpoint pen committed crimes, he’d be held accountable, because this ballpoint pen isn’t as stupid as Donald Trump Jr.
3. A Coffee Cup
If you’re looking to work out a complex math problem, or figure out how to stop world hunger, this coffee cup will be as useful as Donald Trump Jr. is for tying one’s shoes or counting to “2.” However, even this coffee cup is smart enough that if it were to have committed multiple election-related crimes, it’d be put on trial for it. Unlike Donald Trump Jr., who, if you’re just tuning in, Robert Mueller said is too stupid to prosecute.
4. Avodcado Toast
The only thing this avocado toast is for is eating. And as a millennial I am required by law to promote avocado toast at least once every two or three articles. But the cool thing is that unlike the president’s stupid first born son, this avocado toast is smart enough to know when it’s breaking the law, and can be charged as such.
5. A Brain in a Jar
This brain is no longer functioning. But even in its current state, there is more intelligence contained within it than what can be found in Don Jr.’s head. In fact, there’s probably more intelligence in the fluid that the brain is suspended in than in Don Jr.’s head. Oh wait, I’m being told this is a chimp’s brain, so it’s actually five times smarter than Don Jr.
6. A Large Stack of Pepperoni
First things first: clearly I’m hungry because this is the second food item on this list. However, it’s a valid entry because while a single slice of pepperoni is only equally as smart as Donald Trump Jr., once you stack them together, their combined intelligence far supersedes his. Therefore, if this pepperoni tried really hard to collude with Russia, it’d be prosecuted, because unlike Don Jr., it’s smart enough to know what it’s doing is a no-no.
1 Donald Trump Jr.
1. Donald Trump Jr.
This is Donald Trump Jr. He is so dumb Bob Mueller’s team decided it’d be like putting a 4 year old on trial, and decided to just publicly shame him forever by including what a complete moron he was in the Mueller Report.
If you think of any more objects you want us to test against Donald Trump Jr.’s intelligence, drop us a line here.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.