FORT COQ DU CHAMPIGNON VÉNÉNEUX, ALABAMA — In response to Republicans in their state legislature passing one of the most restrictive abortion bans since the 1973 Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision, Democrats in Alabama are drafting their own measure they say is aimed at “reducing the number of abortions women seek” in the state.
State Bill TK-421 would make all potential sexual partners register with the state and submit an application prior to any intercourse. The state would then run the names of the potential mates through their database and determine if they are related, if they are, then an additional 72-hour waiting period would be applied. After that period, if the couple — who are related by blood — still wish to have sex, they could do so.
“We get it,” State Rep. Sheila Montoya told reporters at a press conference announcing TK-421, “Republicans wanted to make abortions even more infrequent with their 72-hour waiting period. But we Democrats want to reduce abortions too, so we chose to address some of the root causes for abortion in this state.”
Montoya said that it’s “impossible to know” just how many incestuous couples procreate in the state each year, but an informal count of fingers, toes, and teeth in the state showed a “conservative estimate of at least 10% of the population being the product of some kind of family fuck-fest,” as she put it.
“What better way to ensure that fewer abortions are needed in Alabama,” Montoya asked, “than to make people have to wait three days before they fuck their cousin, sister, or cousin-sister?”
Rep. Montoya said that she and her fellow Democrats are considering alternative bills that put less emphasis on incest, and more on men in general. One such bill would force men in the state to wait 48-hours between getting an erection and using it.
“We’re not too sure that one will fly,” Montoya admitted, “because most men can’t keep an erection for 48 minutes, let alone 48 hours, but we’re really hoping the incest waiting period is passed and it becomes moot anyway.”
Reached for comment, State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen, a Republican, called SB TK-421 an “affront to good, clean, ammo-hoarding, cousin-fucking patriotic Alabamians everywhere.” He said the bill would be struck down eventually by the U.S. Supreme Court because it would fail the 14th Amendment’s test of equal protection under the law.
“How dare Democrats in this state treat Incest Americans like this,” Thompaulsen asked, adding that he “has to wonder” if Democrats are targeting those who commit incest in the state because “they know the incest vote almost always goes Republican.”
Thompaulsen said it would “benefit Dems mightily to lock a few thousand people up for breaking the law about not fucking your cousin until you’ve waited 72-hours.”
Montoya says she is “tremendously displeased” that the state’s female governor signed the bill, and that it’s “obvious to [her] that in the State of Alabama, a woman’s vagina is considered more dangerous than a handgun.”
“Let’s make this crystal clear,” Montoya said at the press conference, “in this state, men apparently think a private, personal medical decision between a woman and her doctor is more dangerous than someone buy literally any firearm they want, for any purpose, and they don’t see a problem with that. It’s ludicrous to the point of satire, isn’t it? Isn’t it?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.