WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the weekend, scientists and medical professionals were stunned, shocked, but ultimately quite excited about the re-discovery of a species of Republican — one that is a vertebrate.
“When Republicans were first discovered back in the middle of the 19th century, there were actually lots of them that had spinal columns,” Dr. Benson Hunnydeux told reporters from the National Institute of Institutional Biology this morning. “In fact, up until about the 1968 presidential election and the Southern Strategy, there were Republicans registering black people to vote in the Jim Crow south and participating in Freedom Rides, but from that point on, the number of vertebrate Republicans dwindled to the point that we’d all thought they were extinct.”
On Saturday, Republican Congressman Justin Amish of Michigan, a man who was elected to Congress as part of the Tea Party wave of 2010, called for the impeachment of President Donald Trump. Amash threaded his thoughts on the Mueller Report into a series of tweets that spelled out his belief that Attorney General William Barr has been lying to the American people about what FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report says or doesn’t say about Trump’s conduct. Amash accused his fellow Republicans of not reading the report because they’re afraid they will come to similar conclusions.
Here are my principal conclusions:
1. Attorney General Barr has deliberately misrepresented Mueller’s report.
2. President Trump has engaged in impeachable conduct.
3. Partisanship has eroded our system of checks and balances.
4. Few members of Congress have read the report.
— Justin Amash (@justinamash) May 18, 2019
“When Rep. Amash tweeted that he believes Trump should be impeached, it sent shock waves through our whole institute,” Dr. Hunnydeux said. “This is like discovering a pack of wild dinosaurs somewhere. This is like finding a mammoth just cold kickin’ it in some suburban mall parking lot! Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve found a Republican with a spine, and we want to study it and hopefully get it to breed in captivity, which would give us one hell of a shot of saving the GOP.”
The endangered nature of vertebrate Republicans “has always been of grave concern” to Hunnydeux’s team.
“We watched them treat Trump not even with kid gloves the first two years of presidency. If Obama had done half the things Trump did, they’d have not just impeached him, they’d have drawn and quartered him,” Hunnydeux said. “So we really thought heading into the midterms last year that vertebrate Republicans had gone completely extinct.”
Hunnydeux says that the importance of the discovery of Amash’s spinal column was made even more apparent by the reaction of Sen. Mitt Romney, Republican, from Utah to his call for impeachment. Speaking on a Sunday interview show, Romney hedged quite a bit and said he disagreed with Amash’s conclusions.
“I just don’t think that there is the full element that you need to prove an obstruction of justice case,” Romney said. “I don’t think impeachment is the right way to go.” (CNN)
Dr. Hunnydeux says that Romney’s statements “really bring into focus” just how few Republicans have a spine.
“They’re mostly just meat and chemical sacks, stuffed with Koch brother and Adelson cash,” Hunnydeux explained. “Mitt Romney makes Justin Amash look like he’s got a pine of pure steel. Romney’s always been mealy-mouthed and a flip-flopper. He blasted Trump all campaign long and then had dinner with him to grovel for the Secretary of State position. But you could never really tell just how utterly without any vertebra he was until you saw Amash come to the conclusion that most people have after actually reading the report.”
Mr. Trump took a day, but then lashed out at Amash, calling him a “lightweight.”
Never a fan of @justinamash, a total lightweight who opposes me and some of our great Republican ideas and policies just for the sake of getting his name out there through controversy. If he actually read the biased Mueller Report, “composed” by 18 Angry Dems who hated Trump,….
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 19, 2019
Trump’s tweets demonstrate a third species of Republican, Hunnydeux says.
“Trump is a very interesting species of Republican. He’s just as invertebrate as Romney. Look at him. He can’t stand up to Vladimir Putin, or even Kim Jong-Un,” Hunnydeux said. “He fawns over truly horrible people like a coward. But he acts really tough on Twitter and in press conferences, so we looked into it. Turns out, the president is a third species of Republican that can fake having a spine, like some animals can blend in with their surroundings, or puff out their spikes to look intimidating. But if you push Trump just even a little bit, his fake spine crumbles and he just starts ranting about Hillary and Obama.”
Hunnydeux and his team want to get Amash into their lab facilities as soon as possible to conduct test on him, in order to determine if they can somehow save the species. He is “not all that hopeful,” but the emergence of Amash’s spine does give him some hope.
“Two weeks ago I was convinced that there weren’t any Republicans with spines out there anymore,” Dr. Hunnydeux explained, “but Amash gives me a glimmer of hope that there might be a few more out there. And if there are a few, we could breed them into many, but it would take time and money, to be sure. Maybe it’d be better just to let the GOP die off, but can you imagine what kind of far-right crazy would spring up in its place?”
Congressman Amash could not be reached for comment.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.