James Schlarmann 
Sciencetistically speaking, we are literally surrounded by a-holes. That’s because Newton’s Third Law of A-holes states that for every a-hole, there’s an equally assholeish person right next to them. Newton’s theory was famously tested by Albert Einstein just days before the latter’s famous relativity equation was published.
“I can say without a doubt that E=MC²,” Einstein is quoted on his deathbed, “but I can also say with just as much confidence that the world is chock-full of a-holes and d-bags.”
Sadly, Einstein passed away before he could complete his work on douchebag levels in the atmosphere. However, his initial studies in that field are being carried out today at several prestigious colleges and academies of science. One day, we may just know exactly how many a-holes and d-bags we occupy this planet with.
All that being said, laypeople might have a hard time dillineating between a regular human and a-hole, and that’s why we decided to do a public service and give everyone six sure-fire signs that prove, sciencerifically of course, you’re sittng next to an a-hole.
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#6. Their Names Either Start or End With a Letter Between “A” and “Z”
Be very cautious about people with names that have letters of the alphabet in them. It doesn’t even matter if the letters come at the beginning of their name, or the end of their name! Hell, it’s even irrelevant if the letters are in the person’s first, middle, or last names. Of course, we all know the absolute worst people have names that start with A-Z, and the second worst are the ones whose names end with Z-A, reverse alphabetically speaking.
#5. They Are a Carbon Based Humanoid Lifeform
It goes almost without saying, but if the person sitting next to you on the bus or train is a carbon based humanoid, you are very likely sitting next to an a-hole. In fact, the odds are approximately 3,722,000:1 that you’re sitting next to an a-hole if they happen to be a carbon based humanoid. Those odds increase exponentially if you are alive and exist on Earth. Do with those odds what you will, but the life you save might be your own.
#4. They Have Tastes and Preferences (That May or May Not Align With Yours)
Is that person over there reading an issue of a magazine you don’t like? Woah! Is that person all the way over there listening to a podcast you’ve never heard of? If you answered “Yes” to those questions, you are near someone who has tastes. And there is often no better way to tell if someone is an a-hole than by the things they subjectively enjoy. Beware of people who like stuff, is all we’re saying.
#3. They Live Somewhere You Would/Wouldn’t Live
Did you know that people from Kentucky are literally the worst? Well, almost the worst, because people in Oregon are actually the worst. Actually, now that we look at the stats, it appears that people living in the Dakotas are all the biggest raging a-holes on the planet. No matter where you live, you could throw a dart at a map and hit somewhere full of a-holes. Hell, even if your dart randomly hits your street in your town, you’ll still be surrounded by them. That’s because a-holes like to live places, and sometimes, they live near you. Other times they don’t, to be fair.
#2. They Voted for a Political Candidate at Some Point in Their Life
Politics is the only true bellwether of a-holeocity. There have been all kinds of devices created to detect it, but at the end of the day, you really know if someone is an a-hole if they’ve voted for someone in an election. Oh, we don’t mean that they’re only an a-hole for voting against you; the fact is that voting the same as you is another strong indicator that someone is a ripe, flaming a-hole.
#1. They Look Like Someone You Know
When it’s all said and done, scienceticians and science mongers all agree on one thing — a-holes look just like the people you know. Your butcher? Prolly an a-hole. Your baker? Most definitely an a-hole? The candlestick maker? He has a bad sense of what the current economy needs, and he’s also, very likely, an a-hole. Remember that Sesame Street song about the people who live on your street? Well, guess what? They’re alllllll a-holes. Even Snuffleupagus and Big Bird. All. Of. Them.
Do you have another way of telling whether you’re sitting next to an a-hole? Drop us a comment and let us know!
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
