SEATTLE, WASHINGTON — Amazon has announced that will now offer same-day delivery of certain items ordered and delivered within the states of Alabama, Georgia, and Ohio.
“One thing Amazon has always prided itself on is identifying and filling a hole in the market when one crops up,” Amazon Deputy Media Liaison Shirley Vaughn told reporters at a press conference this morning. “The holes in the hearts of red state lawmakers ended up creating a hole in the coat hanger delivery market that only Amazon is uniquely positioned to fill.”
Starting next week, customers in Alabama, Georgia, and Ohio will have the option to select same-day delivery of wire coat hangers, rags, and bleach ordered through Amazon, with no additional charge.
“We have special agreements in place with all our vendors in those states that will help expedite the delivery of those items,” Vaughn said. “The only real concern we have is if the coat hangers, bleach, and rags can be produced fast enough to meet demand. There are going to be tons of 14 year old daughters of staunch Republicans making these orders.”
Amazon will also offer special packaging for coat hangers, bleach, and rags.
“We’ll put them all in a box marked, ‘Guns, Ammo, and Bibles,’ so it won’t arouse any suspicions from local authorities,” Vaughn said. “That should help get the boxes straight through to the rape victims and adult women wanting to make their own sexual reproductive choices in a place quickly devolving into a theocratic fascist Christostate. Which is, of course, just another opportunity for us to stretch our profit margins a little wider.”
Vaughn says that should this new service go well, it can be easily expanded to more states.
“Let’s face it, if you take a map of the Confederacy, you can pretty much plot out where these new laws are going to be written,” Vaughn said. “Add-in the rust belt states like Ohio, and I guess you could also just use the 2016 Electoral College map. In fact, now that I’m looking at them side-by-side, yeah, they’re pretty much the same map, fam.”
There are other items that Amazon will begin guaranteeing same-day delivery on, as well.
“Uterine tracking devices, chastity belts, morning after pills, those are just the tip of the iceberg,” Ms. Vaughn said. “There could be an entire cottage industry of products for women who have just lost sovereignty over their own genitals.”
Ms. Vaughn stated several times that Amazon is not taking a political position with this move, just a financial one. However, she did admit that Amazon wouldn’t be in the position to capitalize on this situation “without the help of some very outspoken religious fanatics.”
“Let’s face it, folks. If people weren’t trying to ram their religion down our throats and force us to get emotionally invested in a life form that is literally microscopic and indistinguishable at that stage of development from an elephant in the same stage,” Vaughn said, “we wouldn’t be discussing this right now. If these people would just mind their business and adopt babies and stop being judgmental pricks, sure, the world would be a harmonious place, but we wouldn’t be maximizing our profits either, so…you know…give and take and whatnot, I guess.”
While the same-day delivery will be available for all orders, Amazon Prime members will have the additional purchasing options. They can choose to either have their orders drone dropped within 4 hours of ordering, or they can have a doctor meet them with discretion in any local alleyway they choose.
This is a developing story.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.