AREA 69, UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — While everyone else has been busy preparing for an invasion of Area 51, the government’s top secret desert outpost that allegedly contains alien secrets, Tad Wilson was busy preparing to storm another area altogether.
“What can I say? I like to flip things upside down sometimes,” Tad told us via Skype. “I’ve found that in life, sometimes you gotta hit things from a different angle. Maybe sometimes even two different angles at the same time.”
Tad describes himself as a “pervy conspiracy theorist.” That is to say that Tad loves to conjecture about plots to overthrow governments and brainwash humanity, but they also revolve around “sexy stuff,” Tad says. Every pet theory of his involves sexual activity, nudity, or some other graphic sexual content, he says.
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And that is exactly why Tad decided today was the day to storm Area 69.
“You won’t find it on any maps, but believe me, once you get there, you won’t want to leave,” Tad told us about Area 69. “There aren’t any aliens there, but there are definitely things we all want to see there. Many things. And the great thing is we get to see them from a different side, know what I mean?”
According to Wilson, he found out about Area 69 quite by accident. He was searching the Internet for pictures of “ladies and men wrestling naked together,” Tad says, to study the moves. Wilson was planning to start a Greco Roman co-ed wrestling league this year.
“And the Greeks and Romans wrestled completely butt-ass naked,” Tad explained. “and I wanted my wrestling league to be period accurate. There are plenty of barely clad wrestling leagues, but I wanted mine to be totally nude. You know, because of history and stuff.”
While looking for pictures of co-ed naked wrestlers on the Internet, Tad stumbled a website called Area 69. Because of his love of UFO conspiracies and naked wrestling, Tad says he dove right into the website. He studied it for “many sweaty hours,” Wilson told us.
“There was so much there to explore. Although, to be honest there was not as much space related stuff as I had hoped,” Tad explained. “Still, no doubt Area 69’s website was quite alluring and had tons of good information in it.”
When Tad found out a bunch of people were planning on storming Area 51, he decided that wasn’t for him. However, it did inspire him to look into storming Area 69 instead. This morning, he found himself outside Area 69, which turned out to just be an average home in an average residential part of an average state.
As Wilson prepared to storm Area 69, a man opened the front door and asked him what he was doing.
“I told him I was storming him. Because I wanted to know all his secrets,” Tad told us. “But he said they don’t have secrets in there, only secretions. Then he said if I want to see what’s in there, all I have to do is sign up for a membership.”
Tad handed the man his credit card right away.
“I mean, I don’t want to miss out on, you know, the alien stuff or whatever,” Tad said. “Yeah. That’s it. The alien stuff. That I rub one out to. Wait. What?”
The government will not confirm the existence of Area 69 to this day. If you have any information regarding Area 69, Tad asks that you email him at: PervySpaceDude@hawtmale.com.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.