WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whether or not the city of Boston permits a “straight pride” parade later this summer, sources close to enough to smell the sweat in his satin thong underpants say that Vice President Mike Pence has, “sprung a big stiffy” thinking about it.
“Oh my goodness, Mother! Just think of the verile, alpha males with their chests puffed out,” Pence was overheard saying to his wife, Karen. “Just think of all those strapping, brave men marching in the street to declare with true pride in their hearts that they only get sexual with females, just the way Jesus Christ specifically told us all we have to do, no matter how much our urges make us just wanna try something different for once!”
Vice President Pence reportedly was unable to contain his excitement both verbally and otherwise.
“Mother! Can you just imagine? Row after row of heaving muscles carrying heavy signs declaring their heavenly sanctioned heterosexuality,” Pence screamed excitedly at the Second Lady. “Oh my golly gosh darn heck! Look at this!”
Pence pointed to his crotch.
“All this talk of those fine, young, handsome men marching in the street in honor of being straight has awoken something in me, Mother,” Pence shouted. “I…I seem to have sprung up a full-blown impregnation situation and have put up a pretty nice pants tent, Mother! Look! You could never even get me this excited, could you Mother? Even when you said we could try bringing Stephen Miller so he could rim — you know what? I hear the phone ringing!”
Vice President Pence ran off to the other room, but no one else heard a phone ringing. There were grunts and sounds heard from the room into which Pence locked himself for roughly three to four minutes. Someone later said they thought they heard Pence punching himself and gritting his teeth as he reminded himself to “fight Satan as hard as he’s making you.”
“Don’t give in Mikey! Don’t give in! You’re not in college anymore! You’re not hanging out with your other friends after youth group and just ‘experimenting’ to see what it might feel like anymore Mikey,” Pence could be heard telling himself. “Well, maybe you could release the demon thoughts from your loins JUST THIS ONCE and then you can get back to whatever it is Vice Presidents do when they’re not secretly hoping their boss’s love of hamburgers and adderall finally catches up with them.”
Ten minutes later, Pence, wearing sweatpants now, rejoined his wife.
“I really hope Boston has that parade, Mother, I really do,” Pence said sitting down as far away from his wife as the furniture in the room would let him. “Because it’s just so glorious! All those men, in the Boston summer sun, glistening with sweat and homophobia…mmm…the musk…the scent…Oh darn! I’ll be right back again, Mother!”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.