WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, former Vice-President Joe Biden threw his hat into the ring, seeking the Democratic Party’s nomination for the upcoming 2020 presidential election.
The Democratic field is already quite large. Senators Kamala Harris, Cory Booker, Amy Klobuchar, Bernie Sanders, and Elizabeth Warren have already announced their candidacies. Biden has ben polling quite well even before he officially entered the contest, and many are wondering if he’ll knock Sanders out of the top spot. There are just about 18 months until the 2020 presidential election, Biden still has time to ditch his plans for an Oval Office bid and pursue his long-forestalled dream of opening up a dance studio in the Catskill Mountains called “Hoofin’ It Hardcore.” However, for the time being, Joe is in it to win it.
Biden staffers however, are leaking word that in recent weeks, Biden has come up with what he calls a “viable alternative” to a lengthy and combative primary season. In a letter, Biden requested a sit-down meeting with the currently declared candidates to offer his solution.
“Vice President Biden will offer to just move his old office chair from storage and bring it to the White House, skipping the messy process of a primary season altogether,” the memo says, “but only if all parties agree to this solution.”
The memo goes on to say that if the Democratic candidates go for it, Biden will then approach the Republican National Committee with the same offer. “It’s becoming more and more apparent that for the Republicans, that unless they find someone to challenge Trump, 2020 will be even more of an embarrassing cataclysm of racist, homophobic, xenophobic, Crazy Town talk. If they let Trump go on unfettered, I guess he could still win, given how his base has reacted to all the horribleness he’s put on display. But, I think they might just take this deal.”
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Under the terms of the deal that Biden is proposing, the election would only be skipped for one presidential term, and as a capitulation to both the Republicans and their rabid, frightened base, Biden would select a Republican as his own VP, but according to the memo, “it would have to be one of the least crazy ones that can go more than a week without talking about rape or gay sex.”
“The Vice President understands that what he’s proposing here doesn’t really sound a lot like what the American people are used to, and he definitely would prefer to hold an actual election,” one Biden staffer told us, “but he also wants to try to help the country avoid embarrassing itself again.”
The same staffer said that Biden is “absolutely also okay with just going to the Catskills and opening up Hoofin’ It Hardcore, the dance studio he has dreamed of opening since he strapped his first pair of Capezios on and counted a-5-6-7-8.”
“He knows that most people have just assumed he wasn’t interested in the job, even though he got eight fresh years of O-J-T. He knows that even though he mopped the floor with that piss-ant Paul Ryan in the debates in 2012 that many in the media and his own party somehow don’t think he’s intellectually astute enough for the job,” another Biden aide told us. “So if no one wants Joe, he’ll stay quiet and support whatever candidate does make it through to the Democratic nomination. But he just wants to let everyone out there know that he can put off opening the dance studio another four or even eight years if no one is quite feeling up to it. He’ll just be kinda milling about around town anyway, so someone can just let him know at some point before next November if it’s a go or not.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.