CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — While overseas on a state visit to the United Kingdom this week, President Donald Trump raised eyebrows when he seemed to claim that he knows “most of” the millions of Irish Americans living in the United States.
“You are certainly one of the leading countries in terms of people moving and living in the United States. We have millions of Irish, and I think I know most of them, because they’re my friends. We love the Irish.” (Source)
Many brushed the comments off as just more bragging and boasting from a president who has shown quite a penchant for both, regardless of whether actual facts back him up or not. However, one of Mr. Trump’s best and closest Irish American friends held a press conference today and said that he knows quite a few more Irish Americans who consider Trump a friend as well.
The man also indicated that President Trump has quite a good palette for a classic American dish.
“I have known the president for a long, long time. He’s easily one of our best and most loyal customers,” Ronald McDonald told various members of the press today. “For anyone who knows Donald, it means quite a bit that he’s loyal to us. He’s not even loyal to his own children unless he happens to want to bang them.”
McDonald said he met the president quite by coincidence.
“He burst into one my franchises, threatening to sue me for using his name in our restaurant name,” McDonald related the story, “so I kinda knew right away he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the Russian-whore piss soaked box, if you know what I mean. But once I explained to him the difference between first and last names about 40 times, we were fast friends.”
What makes Donald and Ronald such strong friends is the former’s love of the latter’s “tasty treats and vittles,” McDonald said.
“Look, say what you will about the man. He’s vain. He’s venile. He’s crass. He’s stupid. He’s most certainly racist. He absolutely thinks disgusting things about his own daughter. He has a tiny penis,” McDonald rattled off without thinking. “But I will say this much for the man — he has exquisite taste in hamberders. And as long as he keeps coming back for my hamberders, I’m going to call him friend.”
Mr. McDonald stopped and thought for a second.
“Not that I agree with him on anything other than his love of our hamberders,” McDonald said. “Sure, it was nice that he bought all that food from us for the football team and whatnot, but don’t take that as me supporting his immigration policies, or his transgender military service bans. I’m a clown, not an asshole. He’s an asshole AND a clown, get it?”
While flying back to the United States from France on Air Force Individual One, Mr. Trump was told about Mr. McDonald’s comments and was “very bigly pleased.”
“Of course, he forgot to tell you I was the inspiration for the Big Mac and the Quarter Pounder,” Trump said. “Back then it was gonna be called the 300-pounder after me, but they went with a quarter because that’s all my net worth really is anyway. Still, very bigly pleased Ronald said such nice things about me.”
Trump insists that Ronald McDonald “isn’t even the only” famous Irish American he calls friend.
“I also know Marty McFly and he said since I put the second coat of wax on the last time I washed it, he’ll let me borrow his flying DeLorean some time,” Trump said.
President Trump said he has an idea he wants to share with Ronald McDonald the next time they’re together.
“What if instead of a Happy Meal, we made it an Unhappy Meal and put pictures of a certain crooked politician or previous black administration in the boxes,” Trump suggested. “I think those would sell like hotcakes, myself. Speaking of hotcakes, has anyone seen Ivanka? My lips are dry and she’s the best at moistening them.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.