AIR FORCE INDIVIDUAL-1 — Flying back across the Atlantic to Washington, D.C. after participating in ceremonies honoring the 7th Anniversary of D-Day , President. Trump told reporters he has decided to order his Space Force to begin construction of a new space military installment on the shared Earth/Mars moon. Mr. Trump had been Europe for the last several days, spending time mostly in the United Kingdom, then traveling to France to honor allied soldiers who undertook the invasion that would help ultimately lead to the liberation of that country from Nazi occupation.
“Folks, giving that tremendously amazing, if I do say so myself — and I do, because you have to be your own biggest cultist, I always say, anway — D-Day speech,” Trump began, “made me realize that maybe here on Earth have been relatively World War free for quite some time now, and I plan to only start one at the end of my very brief second term as a distraction from the fact that I’m unwilling to constitutionally yield power because I am a trust fund racist and toxic narcissist. But what if war breaks out in space, or if our Martian friends need our help.”
Trump spent the next ten minutes explaining that his “good friend and America’s most important journalist of all-time, ever” Alex Jones told him that the American government had “made friends” with Martians shortly after the start of the Korean War.
“Apparently this is very common knowledge type stuff that you know if you have the right sources or lurk on 4chan,” the president said, almost as an aside. “I didn’t actually know that though, and you know why? Fake News. The fake news hid it from me. It’s true! I never actually watched Fox News before I ran for president, to tell you the God’s honest truth. Not because I didn’t care for the programming, of course! Just because up to that point the only thing I watched on TV was me, in various roles throughout my Oscar-should-have-been-winning acting career.”
Mr. Trump had an aide bring out an iPad and show the press his performance in Home Alone 2. The only issue was that Trump didn’t actually have a copy of the film on his iTunes account. Or an itunes account. He also didn’t have an iPad. President Trump told his aide to use their own personal laptop and buy Home Alone 2 so that he could so that he could show them all his acting skills.
Fifteen minutes later, Trump addressed his original reason for assembling the ad hoc press conference in the first place.
“Alright, now that we’ve all seen what I believe proves my point about how absolutely robbed I have been to not have won an Ox-cur before,” Trump began again, “let me just say, war could break out in space right now and we’d be sadly, woefully unprepared, folks. Bigly bad stuff. ”
For all of the money we are spending, NASA should NOT be talking about going to the Moon – We did that 50 years ago. They should be focused on the much bigger things we are doing, including Mars (of which the Moon is a part), Defense and Science!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 7, 2019
“That’s why I’m telling Space Force to get going and build a base on the moon we have with Mars,” the president explained. “I forgot to finish my thought in that tweet before, ya know? We are gonna put a Space Force base on the Earth/Mars moon. Tacticianially, it makes the most sense out of any place in the solar system. I’m sorry, but I will not be caught with my pants down unless there is a hidden camera in a hotel room…again…damn it. I didn’t really wanna be president, you know.”
A hushed silence. Trump seemed uncharacteristically unsure of what to say next. But after a moment, something came to him, almost on autopilot.
“I mean, uh, CROOKED FAKE HILLARY OBAMA IRAN GREAT AGAIN,” Trump shouted reflexively and breathlessly. “Press conference over! OVER!!!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.