WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning as he was heading out to a Dunkin’ Donuts near the White House for his “pre-golf fuel up,” as he’d later call it, President Donald Trump announced that the United States will officially pull out of global Earth Day celebrations. Instead, the United States government will recognize the same day, but for a different reason.
“While everyone else is celebrating Earth Day,” Trump told reporters, “we’re going to celebrate Flat Earth Day instead. Betsy DeVos came up with the idea, and I happen to think it’s really quite tremendous.”
Promising that it will highlight the “best in ancient science and outdated belief systems,” Trump says that Flat Earth Day will be a “celebration of ignoring all the progress of the 20th and 21st centuries.”
“We did some bigly great things the last hundred and fifty years,” Trump said, “and all those things bring us closer to the Devil as well as make America worse. Sure, we didn’t walk on the moon until we could afford to pay for it using tax dollars raised from a system of economics that taxed the rich more, but fairly. Wait, what was I saying?”
Trump was reminded by the reporter from Breitbart that he was discussing Flat Earth Day.
“Oh right, that,” Trump continued, “yoogely important to celebrate Flat Earth Day. For far too long we’ve let people use science to walk all over fundamentalists, and that has to stop. We have to give equal weight to the people’s beliefs that state the planet is only 6,000 years old. Even if — no! — especially if — their clinging to antiquated nonsense threatens the continued existence of our entire species.”
The president said Flat Earth Day will coincide with new educational initiatives that Secretary of Education DeVos has planned.
“Look, we’re already going to cut out most science from our textbooks,” Trump said, “you know, for budgetary reasons. Betsy showed me there’s a lot of money in cutting teaching staff. Do you know how much moola we can save by not having a single science teacher? Tons. That’s how much. Friggin’ tons.”
Mr. Trump said that Americans who are concerned with the environment “need to take a pill and relax.”
“Lets be real here folks,” Trump said, “the way I’m playing things out on the Korean peninsula, there might not be very many of us left to celebrate anything next year, and most the earth will probably be a molten heap of radioactive glass. So if you’re worried about the planet, you need to take a pill and relax. One way or another, I’ll make sure your concerns about the planet are unnecessary. And they’d be really unnecessary if there wasn’t a planet to worry about, so you’re welcome.”
Secretary DeVos could not be reached for comment. She was outside trying to communicate with Jesus through a cardboard paper towel tube wrapped in tinfoil, her husband told us.