WASHINGTON, D.C. — There’s a power struggle developing at the National Rifle Association, and one of the men at the center of it has challenged his adversary to a duel, with semi-automatic firearms, in order to resolve it.
“If Wayne LaPierre thinks he can keep control over this organization forever, he’s sorely mistaken,” Col. Oliver North wrote in a letter to the NRA this weekend, “and I am hereby challenging him to resolve this conflict in a way that all our good, clean, ammo hoarding, gun toting American patriot members will respect.”
North was ousted over the weekend after LaPierre, the NRA’s longtime Executive Vice-President, broke news that North was, in his words, attempting to “extort” LaPierre. The timing of the spat is a bit embarrassing for the gun manufacturing lobby and gun obsessionist club, because they are hosting their annual conference in the nation’s capital this weekend. The president and vice president delivered speeches, but the drama of the weekend was all about North and LaPierre.
“We’ll settle this Hamilton/Burr style, but you know, with semi-autos, like REAL Americans,” North wrote. “If Wayne’s not a total betacuck soyboy, he’ll see this as an opportunity to prove his manliness once and for all. Because literally nothing is as masculine or manly than a gun, and he better be willing to go toe-to-toe with me to show that.”
On July 11th, 1804, then Vice-President Aaron Burr challenged Alexander Hamilton, the nation’s first Treasury Secretary, to a traditional duel with pistols. The incident serves as a start reminder to Americans of just how far bitter, politically driven rivalries can go. North says in his letter “the time has come” for he and LaPierre to “re-engage in that great American tradition of shooting each other.”
“If there is anything more American than settling our squabbles with deadly firearms, I don’t wanna know what it is,” North writes. “So that’s why I’m challenging Wayne to a duel with semi-automatic AR-15 rifles from Bushmaster. They’re the weapon of choice for deranged mass shooters, and if it’s good enough for those Second Amendment enthusiasts, it’s sure as hell good enough for me.”
North says he wants LaPierre to meet him in the “nearest empty field” or if there isn’t one close enough to NRA headquarters, a local gun range. There, North proposes that he and LaPierre be issued AR-15 bushmaster rifles and told to “march off ten paces from each other.”
“Then, on the signal from the duel master, we draw our semi-automatic rifles and fire on each other, unleashing a hail of freedom bits from our liberty lobbers,” North writes. “It is literally the only solution that is worth trying, obviously.”
Mr. LaPierre, upon receiving the letter from North, first used it as a napkin to wipe the congealed saliva that is constantly forming at the sides of his mouth. Then, after he had wiped a sufficient amount of the white, gooey grossness from his face, he sat down, and according to several sources, replied to North’s request for a duel.
“Mr. North, it has come to my attention that you want to fight me in a gun battle,” LaPierre wrote to North. “I, of course, accept. There is nothing more honorable than using a gun to murder your political adversary. However, as I am an old, rich, white man, I am not inclined to fight my own battles, so just like with war, I’m going to propose that you and I send a couple of scrubs from the lower classes in our places, so that, you know, we stay all alive and shit, and they die. Get it? I know you do.”
Col. North has accepted the terms, and added one of his own.
“That’s fine Wayne. As a former Colonel in the army during the anything goes Reagan 80’s, I get a full on chubby thinking about young people dying for my cause,” North writes. “Just please be advised that I will immediately forget everything we talked about and will deny everything if asked by Congress, mkthx, see you at the dueling field. Toodles!”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.