AHOLE RIVER COUNTY, OHIO — The State of Ohio has contracted with a city’s cemetery to provide burial plots for used tampons.
“Here in Ohio we value all life, which is obvious because of our new fetal heartbeat abortion ban,” State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) told local newspapers today. “But we value life so much we even want to honor potential humans that never came to be.”
Thompaulsen said he and his fellow Ohio Republicans believe that “most women probably feel really worthless” during their menstrual cycles.
“Each month they don’t get pregnant, most women probably feel really worthless. After all, the only thing God literally created them for was serving men’s needs and getting pregnant, which they do by servicing our needs,” Rep. Thompaulsen explained. “So we imagine that there are probably scores of emotionally vulnerable, grieving almost mothers out there who would relish the chance to bury their tampon and say goodbye to the precious human life they were almost forced to carry to full term by the state.”
Ahole River County Cemetery has agreed to set aside 200 acres of its grounds for new plots that women will be able to bury their tampons in. They will have several options for grave markers. The plots will be small enough so that each one will contain just one tampon.
“We’re not monsters,” Thompaulsen said. “We don’t want mass shallow graves full of women’s used tampons. Each tampon deserves to be individually honored and grieved over. Every sperm is sacred, this much is true, but every tampon is just important because it contains the remnants of one God’s most precious gifts, you see.”
The cost of the tampon burial plots will be “pretty minimal,” the cemetery management has indicated.
“I mean, we’re just digging a little hole, like a few inches deep, and huckin’ the ‘pons in,” cemetery worker Clive McRillmo told us. “So I mean, we could prolly put a few million plots in. Hell, if women folk wanna buy a full year’s worth of plots at the same time, that’d probably only set ’em back a hundred bucks or so.”
Should Ohio’s controversial new abortion ban be struck down, Ahole River Country Cemetery says they’ll just convert the tampon plots to regular plots. However, women will not be entitled to any money they spent burying their tampons.
“We don’t do refunds in our line of work,” McRilmo said. “But since it ain’t costin’ them that much more than the ‘pon did, we don’t think people’ll complain too much when the law is struck down.”
Thompaulsen says he thinks he’ll go down in history as a “true champion of the unborn.”
“If you’re not willing to force rape victims to have their rapist’s baby, I’m not sure I want to know you, frankly,” Thompaulsen said. “Having babies is so integral to a woman’s being that each period she gets is a dagger in her heart. Why do you think they’re always so irritable and stuff around that time of the month? They’re in pain, gentlemen. Burying their tampon in a cemetery can’t make all that pain go away, but it certainly can help.”
If you are a woman living in Ohio you have two weeks to register your uterus with the state, and then you will be eligible for a discount tampon burial plot each month. For more information, visit www.OhioIsfFuckingNuts.com.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.