WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week, President Trump visited the Pentagon. While not much is known about the president’s visit, the administration released the details one conversation the president had with several key advisers and high-ranking members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
“You know, it was very confusing entering this building,” Trump told one of the Pentagon officials in the room, according to a readout provided by the White House. “So many sides. I really wasn’t sure which of the four walls had the entrance.”
A Pentagon official apologized to the president for “any confusion” and that they’d “all completely understand” if Trump “decided it was best to never, ever show up” at the Pentagon again.
“Oh, no, Vlad wants me to really dig in and spend a lot of time here from now until the election next year. Not sure why,” Trump stated. “But you don’t get Employee of the Year by not doing what your boss asks you to do.”
After a few minutes of a briefing, Trump again raised the issue of the shape of the Pentagon.
“Look, I’m sorry, we can get back to whatever it is you’re briefing me on — I really wasn’t paying much attention because I was playing strip Solitaire with Ivanka on my iPhone here,” Trump explained. “I just need to go back to this whole shape of the Pentagon thing. I cannot say enough how very confusing it is to know which of the building’s six walls has the entrance.”
Once more, an official at the Pentagon offered their apologies and said they’d look into getting Trump a map of the area, so that perhaps he could acquaint himself with the building better, and alleviate some of his confusion. Trump, however, didn’t think that solution was good enough.
“That solution isn’t good enough,” Trump shouted. “For starters, it assumes I can read. Bigly mistake. They don’t do my intelligence briefings in charades for my health, you know. Secondly, are you all forgetting something?”
“See? This is why I know more than you, the generals, in MY army,” Trump said, barreling on so he couldn’t be corrected. “I’m a builder. I build things. All the time. Some people say I’m the best builder. Who am I to argue with anyone?”
President Trump explained that his experience in construction would make him the “ideal candidate” to tear down and rebuild the Pentagon.
“All I’m saying is that it’ll make it much more easier if we make the Pentagon round,” Trump said. “Know what I mean? I see a circle, I see one wall. Not the 12 walls the Pentagon has now. That makes me less confused, and that’s all you guys should be worried about, if you ask me.”
Mr. Trump indicated that the American taxpayers don’t have to worry about the construction or demolition costs associated with tearing down the Pentagon and building a new, round one in its place.
“The best part? Mexico’s gonna pay for this too! In fact,” Trump pushed on, “I shouldn’t really do this, but I’m going to get ahead of myself and announce that Mexico just told me in a super-secret phone call between just me and Bobby Mexico, the president of Mexico, you see, that they will pay for our entire government’s operating budget! Starting right now! Aren’t I the greatest?”
It’s not just the funding that Trump believes he’s got worked out, either.
“Betsy DeVos said she doesn’t see any reason why we can’t make the Pentagon a circle,” Trump said, “and if the administration’s smartest broad thinks we can do it, then I know as a man we can definitely do it. So do it. Now. Starting RIGHT NOW.”
Trump stood with his arms crossed, tapping his foot and checking his watch, until Pentagon building maintenance staff started breaking ground. Officials estimate the new, circular Pentagon will finish construction sometime in late Novaprilmemberuary.
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.