AIR FORCE INDIVIDUAL-1 — During his meeting with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un, President Donald Trump handed his counterpart a map of the United States. The map was color-coded. Red states for the ones that voted for him, blue for those that did not.
“Okay, Kim baby, any of the blue ones you can point your nukes at,” Trump told the North Korean autocrat. “If you can start with California, that would be super-duper good. In fact, point them toward the southern border down near San Diego, and you can take care of the national emergency down there, too!”
Although the summit between the two dictators was cut short over quibbling about sanctions, the White House is calling the trip to Vietnam a “bigly yooge success.” Aboard Air Force Individual-1, President Trump addressed reporters’ questions about the summit.
“Obviously, no one is better at making deals than I am,” Trump said. “Sure, I told everyone that I was gonna get this no-nukey thing done with Rocket Man, but part of being a good deal maker is repeatedly not making deals.”
Trump explained himself further.
“Think about it. I ran on repealing Obamacare and forcing Mexico to pay for my — excuse me, our — wall,” President Trump explained. “I have done and will do neither of those things. In fact, my deal making on the wall got the government shutdown for over a month and at the end I didn’t get any funding for the wall and had to declare a fake — excuse me, totally real and very much so happening — national emergency so I could steal the money from other projects.”
Opening a Diet Coke, Trump pressed on.
“So I haven’t really made any deals yet,” Trump declared while chugging the soda. “I like to say in public that NAFTA 2.0 was my deal, but I pretty much just signed off on the minor changes they made to the first NAFTA and slapped a new name on it all. I’m literally terrible at this, and my base just thinks I’m the bestest ever. It’s pretty win-win for me, actually, fam.”
Trump says despite not getting North Korea to agree to end their nuclear weapons program, he “got the next best thing” when he handed Kim Jong-Un the map of blue states.
“For starters, I was able to show Kimmy Baby how bigly and historical my scant, middling Electoral College margin of victory was,” Trump said. “But more importantly? I gave him a map of my enemies, and let’s face it, what would the country lose if he nuked California? Besides the fifth largest economy in the world and one of the few states that actually give more tax revenue to the federal budget than takes it?”
Farting and blaming it on Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Trump concluded the press conference.
“Exactly, I win, as always. Big winner. Me. I’m the winner. Captain Win-Face McGee and the Winning Winners, that’s what they call me, alright,” Trump said, letting another fart go. “Sarah! So rude! Can you believe this one, guys? Am I right?”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.