WASHINGTON. D.C. — At the time of publication, White House medical staff is boarding a supersonic jet to Vietnam, hoping that once they arrive they will be able to extricate the foot of Michael Cohen, his former attorney, from the rectum of President Donald J. Trump.
Doctors say it was Cohen’s testimony before the House Oversight committee today that started the medical emergency.
“The moment that Cohen’s opening statement went public, his foot shot over the ocean, across several time zones, and went right up the president’s rectum,” Dr. Jan Johnson told reporters as she rushed onto the airplane. “As Cohen provided more and more testimony, his foot just kept inching further and further up the president’s backside.”
As much as his testimony moved his foot up inside the anus of a sitting president, it was the corroborating evidence he provided that got it stuck up there.
“Lots of people have hinted about Trump being a racist. Lots of people have hinted that he’s a deadbeat who doesn’t pay his bills, and lots of people have accused him of using hush money and NDAs to control his image,” Dr. Johnson said. “But Cohen’s got the receipts!”
“All the Republicans on the committee and commenting online can ignore it all they want. They ignore climate change, so I’m not surprised they’d ignore this,” Johnson said. “But when Cohen brought those checks, and when he submitted the NDAs? That was all his foot needed to make an almost permanent home in the president’s butt.”
Doctors expressed shock that Cohen’s foot would fit there in the first place, given that Speaker Nancy Pelosi still hasn’t removed her own foot from Trump’s rectum. Pelosi’s foot became lodged in the same place as Cohen’s foot when she so decisively bested the president over his shut down of the government. Trump had demanded funding for his border wall, and was forced to reopen the government without any such funding.
“We’re learning that this president is quite extraordinary,” Johnson said. “We had no idea until today just how many feet could fit up inside a human being’s rectum, but now we know it’s at least two.”
President Trump is said to be resting comfortably awaiting the arrival of his medical staff to Vietnam. It’s being rumored that Cohen may have to serve his three year prison sentence stemming from guilty pleas.
This is a developing story and will be updated as needed.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.