WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has announced a new cabinet department has been created, and in the Oval Office today he officially appointed its first secretary.
“It’s everyone’s great pleasure and honor to see me and hear my voice,” President Trump said to reporters from various right-wing news outlets, blogs, and klan pamphlets. “And boy do I have a real bigly one to announce for you today folks. My economy — that’s MY economy — is doing so great we’re going to create a very special cabinet department for a special subset of the labor market.”
Trump reached into his desk and pulled out a bucket of chicken kept in a special drawer that keeps various food items warm for him. The drawer was installed when the president sat down behind the Resolute Desk for the first time and noticed it wasn’t there. Despite never having told White House engineers before that very moment that he wanted his “Chicky Drawer,” Trump stamped his feet — reportedly for several hours — until it was designed and installed, and he refused to do any presidential work until it was stocked with fried chicken or a box of hamberders.
“I am hereby officially issuing a presidential decree that the Department of Hand Labor be opened and that Li ‘Cindy’ Yang be made its first official Secretary,” Trump said, swiping his smallish hand the orange crayon in it across a form with the presidential seal on it. “And…there…we..go…boom. Department of Hand Labor is on the books. Great job everyone! Great job!”
Trump began high-fiving only himself.
“You’re the best John! No, you’re the best David! No, you’re the best Mr. President,” Trump said to himself. “Guys! All three of us are the best and have totally normal looking, shaped, and sized genitals! No need to fight.”
Trump agreed with himself in triplicate.
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Ms. Yang was relatively politically inactive for much of her life, that is until the 2016 presidential election. That’s when her political contributions started, including some donations to the Trump campaign. Yang was the former owner/operator of a day spa New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft reportedly enjoyed frequenting, due to their promise of “no customer leaving without the happy ending they paid for.”
“Cindy’s always got the right head for business, and no one can deny she’s got a great hands-on, can-do attitude,” Trump said, praising his new Hand Labor Secretary. “When it comes to the labor force’s jobs that require you to use your hands, we couldn’t find anyone more qualified, or with more experience.”
President Trump admitted that Yang’s past political donations “put her on the radar” for potential jobs within his administration.
“We wanted to reward her dedication, sure. But also, since she was already selling access to us and other Republicans anyway, we figured why not let her cut out the middleman, and now she can sell access to herself,” Trump said. “And if anyone has the experience she needs in selling access to herself, it’s Cindy. Besides, one of her former employees can definitely help in that arena too.”
Trump praised other attributes Yang possesses that he says will make her a great fit for his administration.
“She’s got laser-like focus. Never takes her attention off the target,” Trump said. “She really knows how to keep her eye on the balls, know what I mean?”
The Department of Hand Labor will oversee the regulation and legislation surrounding economic sectors that require jobs to be done with and by someone’s hands.
“She’s handy, everyone always says that. I can’t tell you how many of my Republican friends have told me about Cindy being handy,” Trump said. “Or is it handies? Handsy? I can’t remember. It was like two hours ago now. That’s a lifetime to some.”
In order to help Secretary Yang “really get her fingers around” the issues she’ll be tackling, Trump has said she’ll work very closely with his First Lady.
“Ivanka will show her the ropes, I have every confidence,” Trump said.
Secretary Yang will report for work next Monday.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.