John McCain's Ghost Sneaks Into White House and Teabags the President

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Secret Service is reporting at the time of publication that they have enlisted the help of the Ghostbusters, a New York based paranormal investigation and removal service, in order to help them apprehend the disembodied apparition of the late Senator John McCain.

“We have been in contact with the Real Ghostbusters, not those fake, mark-ass Busters that tried to pass themselves off as Ghostbusters back in the 80’s, riding the coattails of the OG Busters but without paying to license the actual logos and shit,” Secret Service Chief Media Contact Shep Shilson told reporters this morning. “We have exhausted all the tools and methods we have at our disposal for catching ghosts, and realize it’s time to call in the professionals.”

Agent Shilson told the media that for the last couple of weeks, the spirit — known also commonly as “ghost” — of McCain has been waiting until the president falls asleep after sending his last rage tweet of the day, and sneaking into the White House. Then, he makes his way to the presidential residence, and into the president’s bedroom. When the ghost of McCain is adequately sure that no one is awake, he then drops his ghost pants and rests his ghost perineum, testicles, and at least part of the ghost shaft of his ghost penis over President Trump’s sleeping eyes.

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“They refer to this maneuver commonly as a ‘tea-bagging,'” Shilson told reporters. “Which of course is quite ironic considering the Tea Party Republicans are the reason that Trump is in office.”

As far as a motive, Shilson says the Secret Service believes it “comes down to good ol’ fashioned trolling.”

“McCain and the president didn’t exactly get along when the senator was on this side of the existential divide,” Agent Shilson explained, “and I think now that he’s dead, he feels like he can push the president’s shit in, if you take my meaning, a little bit more. Maybe even as a ghost he’s still pretty offended at a draft dodging, spoiled, bone spur patient talking mad shit on his Vietnam War service when he was captured by the North Vietnamese and tortured mercilessly for years. That would be pretty good reason to tea bag someone after you die, no doubt.”

It’s unclear at this time what the Ghostbusters will do with the spirit of John McCain when, and if, they catch him.

“To be honest with you, most of us in the service hope they go pretty light on Senator McCain’s ghost,” Agent Shilson said. “We don’t really consider him a threat to the president, given that he’s, you know a ghost and all. But over the last two and a half years, we’ve gotten to where avoiding a septuagenarian tantrum is considered a win. So…yeah.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.