LAKE DORMIR AVEC LEURS COUSINS, ALABAMA — Republicans in the State of Alabama have been on a tear lately. They’ve passed the country’s most restrictive ban on abortion since the 1973 Supreme Court decision in Roe vs. Wade this week, and in an effort to fortify that law, they’ve also just granted legal personhood to biological material that is one-half of what’s needed to create human life.
“Our new ban on abortion is a great first step, but we won’t have a fully armed and operational theocratic fiefdom until we grant personhood to precum,” State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen told reporters at a press conference early this morning. “Which is exactly what we just voted to do. People in this state better thing long and hard about the consequences of sexual activity that leads to a little bit of pre-ejaculate exiting the man’s hee-hee-hole.”
Thompaulsen says that it’s “absolutely vital to define life as creating as early as possible.”
“I’m worried that even though our new abortion ban keeps people from getting abortions even before they’ll know they’re pregnant, that they will find some kind of loophole, some kind of excuse,” Thompaulsen said. “But if we can set the legal definition of human being so early that it includes the little trickle that seeps out first, then I think we’re clearly doing God’s work.”
There were some of his Republican colleagues that worried about Thompaulsen’s amendment to extend personhood to precum.
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“They actually didn’t think it went far enough. They wondered if we should make it so that you can’t get an abortion if your mother was ever pregnant,” Thompaulsen said. “But I worried about whether our mistresses would still be able to abort our bastard children in secret if we went that far.”
When asked, Thompaulsen said that there are no plans to extend personhood to a woman’s eggs, even though they are the logical counterpart to the precum that now has a full battery of constitutional rights in the Yellowhammer State.
“Of course we won’t grant personhood to eggs; they’re in the girl and the girl is only the mother,” Rep. Thompaulsen explained. “We only care about the weird looking thing that I guess is a baby at some point and the father. The mother can fuck off, really, as far as we’re concerned.”
Reached for comment, Vice President Mike Pence said this new move is “God working in super creepy ways.”
“Of course our one, true, American Christian God would support this,” Pence said. “I believe it says in the Bible, somewhere in the back, near the appendices, that every sperm is sacred, but every little bit of goo that comes out before the sperm is just as sacred, if not morer sacreder. Pretty sure it says that. If not, I’ll just go write it in real quick.”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.